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On the Doxy massager


About ten years ago, my boyfriend bought me my first ever sex toy. We spent ages in the shop choosing, then eventually came home with a rabbit-type thing that the sales assistant recommended because ‘you’ll regret it if you go for the smaller one.’ That afternoon the boy hand-fucked me with a growing sense of awestruck wonder as I went from ‘oh that’s odd’ to ‘mmm fucking hell’ through to ‘DON’T STOP DON’T STOP OR I SWEAR I WILL EAT MY OWN TONGUE.’

Like that very first wank you ever have, nothing quite compares to the first time you find a sex toy that does something so utterly new to your genitals that you’re not sure whether to worship it or burn it as a witch. Since then I’ve used various vibrating cock rings, dildos, bullets and vibes and I can honestly say that nothing has come close to recreating the surprise and delight of a genuinely new sensation. Until now.

Unngh!

My considered opinion on the Doxy massager

I get frequent requests from companies to review sex toys, and previously I’ve always said no, because I figured I’d struggle to say anything other than ‘this feels pretty nice on my cunt.’

I don’t have any such problems with the Doxy, because holy clit-battering hell, this thing is amazing.

As soon as the boy touched me with it I let out a half-strangled moan of surprise, followed swiftly by a few involuntary gargles, a fair amount of shouting, and eventually tears and some sort of odd reflex-laughter. I flailed my arms. I yelped. I screwed my face into scary expressions. I invented new blasphemies. At one point he mistook my twitching for signs that I’d finished, and he stopped, causing me to let out an anguished scream of such deep and abiding misery that even I was concerned for my own welfare.

It didn’t just make me come. It did this weird and incredible holding-pattern thing, where I came just to the edge of orgasm then thrashed about on that plateau until I could barely see, speak, or do anything other than push back against it as hard as possible, grit my teeth and beg for the first waves to hit.

Hmm mmm mmm!

After a few minutes in this happy-scary-horny Utopia, the waves eventually did hit, kept right on hitting, then dragged me off the ravaged coastline of my keening arousal and swept me out for more. I had about half a second in which I realised an orgasm had happened before the second one started, and I turned back into that weirdly gurning sexual banshee again – grabbing bedsheets and scratching the boy and stuttering those freakish moaning noises at the ceiling.

Jjj jjjj nya!

How loud is the Doxy massager?

A few people have pointed out that wands are quite loud, and therefore not great for discreet usage. Well, yes. It is loud for the same reason a space shuttle is loud, or the screeching delight of a recent lottery winner: the former is noisy because it’s powerful and the latter is noisy because it’s hard to keep such good news quiet. The sound coming from the actual toy is academic because, as you can hear, it’s eclipsed by my own involuntary wailing.

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

So, to clarify, you’re saying the Doxy massager is good?

Yes. I am saying it is good. I am saying it made me do and feel things I have never done or felt before, and when it comes to sex toys it is very much My Sort Of Thing.

This is not a gentle toy. This is not a ‘discreet’ toy. This is what would happen if you mated a vibrator with a jet engine: industrial hardware for your cunt.

I won’t give you any giggling bullshit about how I’d marry it if only it could do the dishes as well, because quite frankly it wouldn’t even have to do the dishes. The Doxy Massager could sit on my sofa scratching its nutsack while I vacuumed under its feet and I’d still marry it. On balance, though, I’d need the boy too, because it feels particularly good if I hold it to my clit while he fucks me.

Grand finale

So when I tell you I don’t do toy reviews, please understand that I still don’t: this is emphatically not a toy review. I have not calmly weighed up the pros and cons of a particular product, like a journalist for ‘What Fuckwand?’ magazine. I’m the irritating friend who won’t shut up until you’ve watched The Wire. I’m your Mum telling everyone how talented you are. I am the wide-eyed, chirpy stranger who accosts you in the street to talk about Christ. I’m not impartial: I’m evangelical.

The Doxy massager is my new favourite thing.

behold the formidable power of the doxy massager, which is to wanking what Einstein was to physics

FAQs

Isn’t the Doxy massager actually a sports massager?

No. It’s not. I mean it says it is, and the instruction manual still gives hilariously coy information about ‘soothing tired muscles’, but the company Twitter feed unashamedly sports a lady pressing it to her cunt. It’s for your cunt.

At £89 it’s a bit pricey, isn’t it?

Well, yeah, it’s more expensive than a knockoff version, or a rabbit, or some puny bullet vibe that’ll run its batteries down before it knocks your socks off, but fuck it – if I hadn’t got one for free I’d be asking for one for my birthday, because it’s £89 very well spent. And you plug it in, so no batteries. Oh, and it comes with a 12 month guarantee: beat that, John Lewis.

UPDATE: If you buy from my sponsor SexToys.co.uk, you can get 10% off if you use the code GOTN10.

How does it compare to competitors such as the Hitachi magic wand?

I haven’t the faintest clue. Although I always wanted a wand toy, I never had the money to buy a Hitachi. What I will say, though, is that the tech has apparently come on in recent years and this is currently the most powerful one on the market.

I am a guy. Can I use it on my ballsack?

Sure, knock yourself out. I rubbed it on my dude and his reaction was obviously less earth-shattering than mine, but then to have a more earth-shattering reaction than me he’d have had to jizz bullets. He does, however, like the fact that when I come with it, my cunt gets much tighter and twitchier than when I come any other way, and that obviously feels pretty great around his dick.

Is it available in the US of A?

UPDATE: The answer to this question used to be ‘no, but at least you get awesome bagels and Disneyland.’ However, Belle de Soir has made it so not only can you get one delivered to the States, you can actually get free shipping (enter the code GOTNUSA1 at the checkout). Aren’t they lovely people? Yes. Pretty much everyone I meet when I am drunk is lovely, but not all of them will be able to ship you a wankstick. You’ll need a UK to US plug adapter, I think.

Alternatively, US people can buy it from SheVibe for $129. That’s an affiliate link, so if you get it from them you’ll be supporting my site. Don’t let that sway you though, I’d go with whichever is cheapest when you do the currency conversion.

You clearly like this. But will I?

Not a clue. While I’m fairly proficient in the subject of ‘how stuff feels on my clit’ I am no expert in how stuff feels on yours. Sexual fulfillment depends on personal taste, but if your personal taste is anything like mine, you’ll probably see the face of God.

This is the most swearingly enthusiastic sex toy review I’ve ever seen. How much are these guys paying you?

They’re not, although I did get this toy for free after I got pissed and told the representative from Belle de Soir that if I liked it I could get him some sales. He’s promised to let me know whether my ringing endorsement has an effect, and if anything turns me on more than being frigged with a massive power tool, it’s stats nerdery. So what I’m saying is that I have a vested interest in you buying this, because I get to be smug, but if it weren’t the most intense thing I’d ever used I wouldn’t bother saying so.

Can you give me all the tedious details like how long it is and what material it’s made out of and what colours it comes in?

If you’ve read the above and your main concern is the colour, then I despair. But for the record it comes in black, white and pink, and all the other details are available on the website, so if you have £89 and an aching need to find out for yourself then please just buy it already. (If you want 10% off and you’re in the UK, then my sponsor SexToys will give you a discount if you use the code GOTN10 at the checkout).

This all sounds excellent, but do they do a version that comes in shiny chrome? 

Yes, they do. It’s called the Doxy die cast, and it’s incredibly beautiful. It’s slightly quieter than the original Doxy and has a silicon head. I have one of these and two Doxy originals (one for my bedroom and one for the office where I work during the day, in case there is a man asleep in my bedroom and I don’t want to wake him up). Some people prefer the die case because of the different texture on the head and it being slightly quieter during use. It’s a bit more expensive. If you’re deciding between the two, I’ll tell you that I prefer the original, but I won’t judge you if you decide that – fuck it – if you’re investing in The Best Sex Toy That Has Ever Been Created, you might as well go for the shiny one.

Fuck yeah

68 Comments

  • Jillian Boyd says:

    This is the most amazingly bonkers sort-of review I’ve ever read. Also, I love the idea of “What Fuckwand?” magazine.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hehe, perhaps we should start the magazine. Although if I were the editor it would basically just be fifty pages with pictures of the Doxy and big arrows that say ‘BUY THIS ONE’

      As I say, impartiality isn’t really my thing =)

  • Ali says:

    Wow, what an endorsement! I know first hand how amazing the Doxy is, glad you were able to experience the intensity now too.

  • ExhibitA says:

    That was awesome in so many ways. Much like the Doxy Massager, by the sound of it. As a dude, I kind of want to buy one so I can *wield* it on people, and make them go ‘jjj jjjj nya!’.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ah, you are a giving and selfless person. I’d be bloody delighted if, upon sleeping with a dude, I discovered he had one of these in a drawer ready to use on me.

      • Vainglory says:

        As a topping sort, I can assure you that keeping this, or something similar, in the Black Bag next to the more painful accoutrements of my hobby is in no way “giving and selfless.” It’s very specific sort of joy to wrench involuntary, possibly unwanted orgasms out of someone who is trying to simultaneously process excruciating pain. And more than a little mean-spirited.

    • Vida says:

      Go for it, it beats a light sabre!

  • Stew says:

    You madam, have made a persuasive argument. Always wanted to try wipping out a surprise sex toy on the ladies. I think this is the one!

  • D. says:

    Sound effects FTW.

  • Daniel says:

    “thinking of making the full audio track available on itunes”

    Oh God, yes.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hehe, I’d probably have to set the price pretty high to ensure my boy goes for it. “You want to release an audio track of me fucking you with a Doxy? Won’t that get a bit awkward if my work colleagues get hold of it?”

  • Azkyroth says:

    Can you kindly check the packaging/case/instructions for yours and see if you can find either volts/amps information or watts/power rating? Having found a vendor that can ship to the US for a semi-reasonable price I’m now trying to figure out what size power converter I need to make this work on a base input of 110/60hz and for some weird reason that information isn’t attached to every product information page.

    • Azkyroth says:

      On closer inspection it appears to have a “wall-wart” DC conversion plug. That makes everything simpler.

      Can you tell me the specs on it?

      • Girl on the net says:

        Blimey, no idea I’m afraid as I don’t think I still have the little leaflet. The Doxy people are super-helpful, though, so if you get in touch with them via their website they should be able to give you the more technical details! http://doxymassager.com/ If you get it working in the US let me know and I can update the fair few Americans who have said they’d like to get one too!

        • Azkyroth says:

          Okay. Usually the adaptors have molded or printed lettering indicating the acceptable input voltages and amperages, but I’ll try them too.

          • Girl on the net says:

            Ah, in that case maybe it’s this? Printed on the plug adapter thing

            INPUT:100-240V 50-60HZ 0.8A
            OUTPUT: 15V 1500mA

            Does that help? I’m crap with technology, when it comes to doing anything other than rubbing it against my cunt.

          • Azkyroth says:

            Perfect, thanks. :3

            So, this will work in the US with just a plug adaptor. Also, LoveHoney ships to the US for less than half the price of Belle de Soir. >.>

            And my gal’s birthday is in April.. :3

    • William says:

      Doxy works with all voltages worldwide.. But is currently only available with UK and Euro plugs.

  • Lee says:

    Well, wow! More podcasty/audioy things would *not* turn this reader off! :-D

  • Mr Archer says:

    This has to be my favourite thing from you, ever. This is like having a dirty version of my (exposing my age here) Poldy and 3 birds books with the tapes to use as aids to the reading. Phwoar./

  • Molly says:

    I LOVE the ‘Fuck yeah’ at the end. I think that just about sums up the whole review in the one little piece of audio.

    We bought one at the weekend and have used it once. I have to say it does not have quite the same reaction on me BUT I do still love it, just for slightly different reasons that I shall go into when I do next Vlog

    Mollyxxx

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oooh, interesting! It is all quite individual, I reckon. Looking forward to seeing your vlog about it! Xx

  • I just recently got the Doxy. I love, love, love it and it was worth getting it from the UK and having it shipped over.

  • Upsidedown M says:

    I thought John Lewis was now offering a two year guarantee on electricals?
    God, I should get my priorities right.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hehe, thank you for mentioning it – I wouldn’t want JL to sue me for misrepresenting their excellent electricals guarantee.

  • Fiddy says:

    So you’ve discovered wand toys? Good for you. It’s about the only toy my wife lacks. Although she seems more intent in finding more exotically shaped dildos and strap-ons.

    Also. More than one wand at once is even better than one.

  • jdgalt says:

    You wouldn’t happen to be the lady who was given an ASBO forbidding “excessively noisy sex,” would you?

  • Hi Guys
    We have been reading the notes about shipping to the US. I am currently looking into getting better US shipping prices, if I get any movement we will let you know on this post so you can tell your friends.

    GOTN I think you should post up that Audio Track ;)

  • Just a little something extra for any NEW CUSTOMER who buys a Doxy from Belle De Soir will be sent a 10% Voucher off your next order!!
    Sensually yours
    Belle De Soir

  • Might want to edit the update down so that it doesn’t also say “fuck yeah” when one clicks on it, although to be honest, that’s pretty cool too.

    Also – I didn’t stop laughing for ages.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oops! Didn’t realise I’d cocked that up – thank you for letting me know! Although, on balance, I might make it so that all of my future blog posts go ‘fuck yeah’ when you click on them.

  • Slut says:

    Mmmmmm god you are so, so hot.

  • Dearest Girl, you are awesome and timely and efficient with your blogging. Which must makes you more awesome.
    I am so glad you came to Eroticon 2014 and I’m so sad I didn’t get more time to talk with you.
    This review goes some way towards making up for that though now I have some kind of Fuckwands at Dawn duelling image in my head.
    Anyway……
    Thanks for being ace and fun and FUCK YEAH!

    Ruby

  • Mia says:

    I own a Hitachi so it would be interesting to see how this one compares!

    The Hitachi has me a jibbering mess when used well and I need A LOT of clit stimulation to get me really going!

    The first time the Hitachi was used on me was by a very proficient sub using it on me on the instruction of her Dom and their hotel bed ended up completely soaked through to the mattress!!!

    As and when I get The Doxy I will report back!!

    ~Mia~ xx

  • Daniel says:

    I read this blog all the time after a girl showed it to me. It’s very well written, honest, funny, and very very sexy. I’ve never commented before, because, what do you say to a writer who regularly gets me hard, and inspires me to way better sex?! So, I’ll go with the simple;

    “This entry was fucking amazing.

    Thanks.”

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thank you Daniel – honestly, comments like this are always more than welcome – they make me very happy and mean I can get through the day without getting grumpy at strangers =)

  • If you would be up for cross posting this on Cliterati it would be amazing (with your own affiliate links of course) The best sex toy review I have ever read. And in full agreement re Doxy having tested around 1,000 toys. It is the only sex toy with its own scene in my erotic novel (and a second reference in the follow up chapter)

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ooh, now *there’s* an endorsement – I was worried, given that I don’t use that many sex toys, that my reaction was disproportionate, so it’s good to get an expert’s point of view!

      Happy for you to cross-post on Cliterati, although I’m not sure how you’d make the sound work – I’m not particularly techy and I had a kind techy friend who did this for me. I’ll email you the HTML for the post though so you can use it if you like!

  • Mia More says:

    I’m with Em and everyone else above – what gloriously entertaining and informative writing!
    Can this *please* be the beginning of the anti-snark sex toy review movement, as encapsulated by this GOTN quote:
    “While I’m fairly proficient in the subject of ‘how stuff feels on my clit’ I am no expert in how stuff feels on yours. Sexual fulfilment depends on personal taste”
    Perfectly stated and something every reviewer should consider (personally I was impressed by my Doxy but I other toys that suit me better).
    Well done that woman!
    Mwahs all round xx

  • Vida says:

    What a great review! I LOVE your audio clips.

  • ‘Jjj jjjj nya!’ is my favourite! More audio please.

  • I know its taken a while but we have some great news on the Doxy for all GOTN Readers in the USA regarding shipping costs.
    FREE SHIPPING TO THE USA!!!
    USE COUPON CODE GOTNUSA1 in your cart. This code will deduct the shipping for US customer on the Doxy Massager.
    Enjoy

    • Azkyroth says:

      Excellent news, but payday’s not for a bit yet. Can you tell me how long that’ll be in effect?

    • RyleyRed says:

      Just tried to use this code and it doesn’t provide free shipping. It only takes 20% off shipping so it still makes shipping insanely expensive (6.30 off 32.00). I want this toy but not for $40 shipping!

      • Girl on the net says:

        Drop the company an email and I’m sure they’ll sort it out for you – I’ll DM them on twitter to let them know it’s not working properly!

        • RyleyRed says:

          Spoke with the company about the promo code issue. This past weekend the Doxy was on sale for like 62 for UK customers instead of its regular 89. Therefore when the US free shipping code was used instead of taking off the full shipping cost, it reduced it to the price you technically should pay if the promo wasn’t going on (88.69, a little savings).
          With the promo being for UK customers, I understand why it wasn’t reducing the full 32 off for shipping. We couldn’t be so lucky! I still placed my order and hope to revel in the Doxy soon. I have a Bodywand Original (not sure if it’s available overseas or not) but I love the variable speed of it. It uses a dial to turn on/off and increase/decrease the speed and I love it. Can’t wait to see how the Doxy compares.

          • Girl on the net says:

            Ah, nice one – glad you’ve got yours on the way now Ryley. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did! =)

  • You are so incredibly awesome for adding sound effects to this review! Love it, best review ever and the comments here will help inform the toy reviews I’m poised to do myself.
    I’ve got a hitachi which I find too intense but I might have to re-visit it on the basis of this. I’ve always worried about something so powerful effecting future sensitivity too but that might be nonsense.

  • We are not worthy!
    The guys at Doxy pointed us to this review and it has to be one of the best reviews of the Doxy that we’ve seen. Kudos to you adding the sound effects! Brilliant and very accurate

    This is what would happen if you mated a vibrator with a jet engine”

    you hit the nail on the head. ;)

  • Azkyroth, It will be £89 and Free US Shipping for the Foreseable Future. We have also had an email requesting where to add the code, Simply Add the Doxy to the Shopping Cart then Click “View Cart” at the top of the page. You will then see the option for adding a Voucher Code.
    Sensually yours
    Belle

  • Sandra says:

    My man just presented me with my Doxy and emailed me this link, he is a regular reader of your blog and this is his ‘payday present’ to me this month. I have no idea how this will go but I guess it’s just “Chocks Away and Chin Chin Chaps! See you on the other side!”

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oooh, that’s pretty generous! Have fun with it – I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. I find I like it best when the boy uses it on me – there’s a teasing desperation about it that makes me thrash around wildly =)

  • We are running an incredible promo over the weekend. Buy a Doxy and get a free premium glass dildo and Give lube as a bundle offer!!

  • Katie says:

    I’ve got a Hitachi and it can get me from nought to clinging to the ceiling in about 10 seconds if I let it. I’ve heard great things about the Doxy, but I can’t really justify having two wands, can I?

    Katie xx

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha, that is of course one of those vital life questions that I cannot possibly answer for you =) You could always ask for it for your birthday if that’s coming up soon? Or maybe save til Christmas. I’m pretty sure it’ll still be excellent at Christmas =)

    • Dv8ted says:

      Of course you can. Actually if you use them both and they’re buzzing *slightly* differently you’ll get ‘frequency beating’ (look it up on Wikipedia for the nerds among us)….so actually it seems like there’s 3 things buzzing down there not two! Drives little Miss here crackers!

  • Lazy-Ninja says:

    Re: USA Sales

    The Doxy wand now has a north american distribution team and a US Plug adapter.

    You can now pick it up through stores in the USA (very limited for now but expanding).

    Buy online us: http://www.doxymassager.com/index.php?page=find-a-stockist&tab=websites&region=USA
    Buy in person us: http://www.doxymassager.com/index.php?page=find-a-stockist&tab=shops&region=USA

    (Full disclosure: I run work for Agreeable Agony, one of the vendors on this list)

  • bambafunk says:

    I love that you’ve put in the sound effects, hilarious and also a little sexy!

  • Maxime says:

    love the sounds! Do it on every review as for now!

  • Thanks eroticon for linking to this review and I got distracted – happy to look at stuff marked NSFW when I should be working.

    I have one of these and it absolutely everything GOTN says!
    Over the years, I’ve had the Magic Wand and various similar and more expensive models.
    I bought the Magic Wand on a trip to the states in 1991, eventually, destroyed it by over use!

    I’d say the Doxy is well worth the money
    If
    you use it as often as I do.

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