In which I try to write about the newest sex toy in my collection – the Zumio – without having to run back to my bedroom for another quick go on it just to ‘check’ it’s as cool as I think it is.
You know that old saying ‘when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail’? Well, ever since I first got a Doxy, it’s been the hammer with which I smash the nail of almost every single orgasm I have. It’s an exceptional sex toy, and I couldn’t live without it – even when I use other toys (like glass or silicone dildos, for instance) I still tend to use them as part of a Doxy-led combo. Doxy is the lead singer, other sex toys provide backing vocals, and my clitoris is the front row of the crowd, screaming enthusiastically and sometimes fainting with joy.
Maybe I’ve stretched the analogy.
Anyway. When almost every single orgasm comes via Doxy, it’s tricky to drag my lazy self away from it for long enough to give other sex toys a chance. But recently I discovered a new toy that was so unique and odd and different that it actually made me forget about Doxy for a while.
Clit stim when you’re riding cowgirl
We were shagging on the sofa, with me on top. A rare treat for him, in which I actually put some fucking effort in rather than lying back and making enthusiastic noises while he does all the heavy lifting (Me: I’m not lazy, I’m submissive! Him: Submission is just you being lazy in character).
Going on top is much harder than it looks in porn, and the traditional ‘get on top and do rapid squats like you’re stuck in the gym on fast forward’ is neither the easiest – nor the most pleasurable – way for me to fuck. I know how sexy it is when I sit up and ride him like a prize pony, letting my tits bounce everywhere and occasionally tossing my hair like I’m in a shampoo advert, but all the while I’m doing that I’m not getting the clit stim I really need if I’m going to come. And while Doxy can give me that clit stim, it isn’t the most delicate or subtle way of delivering it.
Enter the Zumio. Zumio is a very weird-looking sex toy: it looks a little like an electric toothbrush, but with a rounded nub on the end rather than the traditional brush head. The nub is soft and made of silicone, so you press it up against your clit directly or circle around the head, it thrums in a kind of rumbly pulsing way, and then (hopefully) you’ll have a massive orgasm followed by a restorative lie-down and a cup of coffee.
That’s pretty much it, and if I just left this blog post there you’d probably imagine Zumio being a slimmer, differently-shaped version of any other vibrator on the market. But I think it does different things. This is where we get into dodgy territory because I’m not a sex toy reviewer, and so I don’t have a million and one vibrators to compare it to, but I’ll give it my best shot anyway. The pulsing vibrations on the Zumio feel as if they’re oscillating rapidly back and forth rather than simply staying in the same place and vibrating. The tip of the Zumio travels more than a traditional vibrator, which gives a kind of thrumming sensation that’s deeper and more intense. It’s probably as strong as a Doxy in terms of intensity, but it has a much smaller tip so the sensations are concentrated with pinpoint accuracy.
Here’s what the Zumio website has to say:
“Vibrators shake everything that touches them including the clitoral region, hand and arm and even the entire body. Your body is full of nerve endings. All of them pick up these energy pulses in some form and can be overwhelming signals to your brain. It’s like a sledge hammer to drive a tack! By comparison, Zumio delivers very high energy density at the small contact area TIP and the ability to use pressure to dynamically change speed and intensity makes the energy delivered to the clitoral nerve more selective so the brain gets very local nerve stimulation messages. Initially, this may make the Zumio feel more intense than a vibrator, but it is simply a more isolated nerve response. Zumio is like an “artist’s brush” and a vibrator is like a paint roller.”
What that means is that when I go on top, I have finally found a sex toy that my partner can use easily on me. It’s easy because:
a) it’s small and light, so he can hold it without any problems (if you have any issues with things like arthritis or limited movement in your hands, Zumio may be well worth investing in because it’s easier to wield than some of the bigger vibrators on the market).
b) he doesn’t have to do anything other than just hold it in the general area of my clitoris. If there were a ‘clit stim for dummies’ guide, the Zumio would be recommended within the first ten pages.
c) it Does The Fucking Job: I have come within twenty seconds of this thing touching me. It’s like being ambushed by joy.
The first time we tried to shag with it, my partner was already wearing the new vibrating cock ring we got recently. That packs a powerful enough punch as it is, but I was greedy and curious to try the Zumio too, so I fired that up and held it against my clit for about 0.0005 seconds, until my cunt started to spasm and we both came pretty quickly.
Later, I had another go with it (without him there to distract me/entice me with his lovely penis) and I managed to last nearly a whole minute before the inevitable happened.
Not everyone’s going to respond to the same toy in the same way: some people will find it entirely baffling, or so intense they don’t enjoy it. But if you’re like me and you like really intense stuff, you’ll probably get on well with the Zumio, even if it does break your heart a little because it feels like you’re cheating on your Doxy.
Sex toys that offer ‘guaranteed orgasms’
I would literally never recommend a sex toy with a sweeping statement like ‘orgasm guaranteed!’ Claims like this are almost always wrong because not everyone’s going to respond to the same things, and I don’t think anyone can ‘guarantee’ you an orgasm any more than they can ‘guarantee’ you’ll fall in love.
I know Zumio’s got some stick from other bloggers about their claims that it can make anyone with a clit come in 60 seconds, which is a bit tricky for me to deal with to be honest: no, it definitely won’t work like that for everyone but yes, it did work like that for me. Any claims like this, about any sex toy, will obviously awaken my inner pedant. But even with my inner pedant awake and paying attention, I can’t really be super-angry about this because Zumio does do something for me that no other toy’s managed to date: made sure that my partner can give me an orgasm without me needing to walk him through it.
This thing is so powerful, and so easy to use without requiring pressure in specific places, my partner can bring me off just by holding it vaguely near my clit and moving it around in small circles. With any other sex toy we own (and when we’re playing without sex toys), I always need to guide his hand, or whisper in his ear, and generally tell him exactly what to do with it. That’s pretty standard, I think: it’s almost impossible to pleasure someone unless you get decent feedback from them, so you know when to speed up/slow down/apply more pressure/pour on the custard/etc. Zumio doesn’t require this kind of step-by-step guidance: unless he literally falls asleep at the wheel and takes the Zumio away altogether, I am pretty much guaranteed to come.
And that’s a pretty extraordinary thing. After a long time of struggling with my orgasms (thanks SSRIs!), finding a sex toy that’ll rip an orgasm out of me even on the difficult days, in the hands of someone who doesn’t have that direct feedback to work on, feels like a genuine miracle.
Zumio: looks bizarre, feels awesome, and is basically akin to magic.
The Zumio was provided to me for free by the lovely people at Eropartner, because they brought some sample Zumios when they came to Eroticon and I begged for the chance to take one home. They didn’t pay me to write this, I just wrote it because when I find things I really like I figure it’s worth spreading the love so some of you can enjoy them too.
Buy it from Peepshow Toys in the US (they sponsor my site – code is GOTN for 10% off)