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Guest blog: Sex with an ex

Some writing makes me horny, and some writing makes me cry. Some brings me to a weird horny-sad place where the only appropriate thing to do is curl into a ball of lustful anguish and imagine all those times I’ve felt the same.

This week’s guest blog does just that. I won’t give it a long build-up and intro because, to be honest, it speaks for itself. This week, Leo is going to tell you about sex with an ex.

Sex with an ex

I have never loved somebody as absolutely and unconditionally as the way I love him. It scares me that I will never love anybody in the same way. And I won’t apologise for how I feel about him or for my behaviour when I am with him. I won’t even try to justify it, or explain myself. Because I can’t.

This is the first time I’ve seen him since we broke up. Since I stood and sobbed into his chest and begged him not to break up with me. Since I watched the indecision in his eyes. Saw him cry for me and for what he had done. Guilt and shame strewn across his face. The day he wiped away the tears that were streaming and pouring down my face. Pulled me into his chest, stroked the back of my head and soothed me, whilst I sobbed so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. My whole body shaking. My face buried in his chest, hands clutching at him, not bearing to let him go. His t-shirt sopping wet from my tears. He walked with me like this to his front door and we stood there for I don’t know how long. And then he stepped away from me, opened the front door, kissed me on the forehead, and said goodbye.

Months go by. I feel like I’ve died. Life goes on without me and I sit and watch it whirl right past me. Out of the blue, he asks to see me. Of course I say yes. We spend all day together. It’s awkward, tense. Touching him, holding his hand, brushing past each other with our with our bodies… things that used to be so natural are so painfully absent. We don’t touch all day. We watch a film, and the whole time I can’t concentrate or relax because I’m so painfully aware of his presence. I’m in his kitchen. I’m wandering all over the place because I don’t know what to do with myself. He stops and grabs me whilst I’m pacing and just pulls me into him, enclosing me in his giant chest. His big, warm, tight arms wrapped around me. I feel so much relief. Despite everything he did.

We go upstairs. I sit on the edge of his bed whilst he gets undressed and climbs in. I know I should leave. That that is the right thing to do. But I don’t want to. He asks me what I’m going to do. He tells me he thinks I should go home. I lie down on top of the quilt next to him. I lean in and kiss him. Fuck I’ve missed him. I just enjoy the relief I feel. I love this man so much. Our lips move harder and faster. He doesn’t turn me down or push me away. I know this means so much more to me than it does to him. But I need this. I need him. I slide inside his bed and he climbs on top of me, naked. I’m fully dressed. I can feel his warmth through my clothes. I love to feel the weight of him pressing down on top of me. I can’t get close enough to him. I need him to understand how much I love him.

I just remember frantic kissing. Gasping. So desperate for each other. He undresses me. I so clearly remember him pulling my tight jeggings down. He got them half the way down and was tugging them so hard they ripped down the seams. He didn’t laugh or look apologetic, he just carried on and bluntly tore them off me. I didn’t care. As he came back up the bed towards me I remember feeling his tight and hot body squashed on top of me, making it hard for me to breathe. Feeling so content at his weight pressing down on me. Our naked bodies and legs tangled together.

I pull and grab and squeeze him into me. I can’t get close enough to him. I wrap my legs around him to pull him closer and feel him grinding against me. As we are kissing he forces his hands between our bodies and starts tugging at my knickers. I vividly remember looking down at his hand stuffed inside my knickers and watching his beautiful face contorted in pleasure as he feels how wet I am for him, forcing his fingers inside my dripping cunt. Pleasure that it was all for him.

I don’t remember much else. Just feeling desperate for him and wanting to feel all of him, inside me, on top of me, pushing against me. We fell to sleep holding each other.

I wake in the middle of the night. I don’t know what time it is. It’s still dark. I feel his warmth pressed up against my the length of my body. I don’t know what woke me, but I know he is awake too. I feel him stir next to me. I feel his cock hardening, pressed into my back. I turn and we hold each other and kiss for a while. He pushes me further on to my side, pulls my legs apart and slides his cock inside me from behind. I’m still plump and it stings a little, but he slides in so easily. He gasps and starts slowly pumping his dick in and out of me and I realise I’m still full of his cum. I feel the warmth, dripping out of me with each stroke, smearing inside my thighs. I’m not as desperate as I was before. I just love being close to him and feeling him, his rough hands running over me and holding onto me as he pushes himself deeper into me. He kisses me whilst his cock slides in and out. I just lie there and hold onto him whilst he fucks me and kisses me. He starts to play with me. He pulls himself all the way out and slides his fingers inside me. He pulls them out and then pushes his cock back in. Each time his dick comes out he slides his fingers inside me instead. He is either kissing me, or has his face buried into my neck. I can feel his slight beard, rough on my back as he sinks his teeth into my shoulder and breathes heavily. He was always a biter. He keeps his fingers inside of me and tries to push his cock inside me too. He can’t quite get it so he reaches around from behind me. As he manages both, I feel so…full.

I remember thinking how hot it was that he could feel his cock inside of me, and how tight it must feel for him. I also remember some other part of his hand being pressed firmly against my arse, maybe his thumb. Just a firm bit of pressure pushed up against me. I don’t think he knew he was doing it. I find his other hand and pull it underneath me, and push his fingers inside my slit.

He doesn’t fuck me any faster, just keeps going at the same speed. Sliding his dick all the way out of me and then pushing himself in as far as he can go. Making tiny movements with his hand that is playing with me, enough to keep me on the edge.

I remember lying there, full of him. His cock inside me, his fingers inside me and his hand pressed up hard against my arse. His other hand playing with me and pushing me down on top of his cock, his arm wrapped around me and his face pressed hard into mine. I felt like his again.

I savour it all. I tense up and concentrate on cumming. Not once does he stop fucking me like this, just this constant rhythm, driving me insane. I pause and tense up as I work my way there. I teeter on the edge for a while. I want more from him, but he won’t. Fuck me harder. Please baby. He doesn’t. I manage to get there, and I squirm as I do. Silently wriggling and writhing in his arms. He’d normally stop and give me a break but he just keeps on fucking me. I try and push out of me but he holds on to me firmly. It’s so uncomfortable but at the same time, I don’t want him to let me go. He keeps going. It takes a little while to feel good again. As I work myself back up I feel him stiffen and his breathing start to quicken. His fucking gets harder but he doesn’t get any faster. I feel his breath on my cheek, low groans escaping from him. As he gets closer he presses his lips hard against mine without moving them. He pushes his dick all the way inside me and he moans inside my mouth whilst he comes, balls deep inside me, staying completely still. His body spasming whilst he clutches at me. I feel him relax. He kisses me beautifully and softly before pulling his hand out of me and wrapping both his arms around me. Pulling me closer into him. I feel his naked, tight and hot body pressed up against the length of mine. His skin, warm against mine. I feel him collapse and drift off quickly. I lie awake for a while. His softening dick inside me, tucked safely inside his arms.

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