Beware the Superdom, and other people who tell you they’re good in bed

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

There’s a man who is half-human and half-legend. He is fierce, strong, powerful. He can pick you up with his bare hands, flip you over his knee, and give you a spanking so perfect that it will transport you to a new realm of ecstasy. Afterwards he will fuck you so skilfully that you will become aware of a new level of orgasmic joy.

That man is the Superdom.

If you’re lucky enough to meet him, it will probably be on a kink forum somewhere. Perhaps he will write a post explaining to other, lesser Doms how to control a submissive, hinting that if you’re lucky you could be one of them. Maybe he slides into your private messages with an order to “Obey.” If you don’t immediately slick your knickers/pop a huge, granite-hard boner, then you are probably not the submissive for him. He does not want your questions or your negotiation: he demands only your unquestioning obedience.

Superdom, sadly, is all too real. I met a fair few incarnations of him when I was pretty active on the kink scene. He’d look at you with smouldering eyes, and tell you exactly what he was going to do. He’d usually let you know that you could only come if he ordered you to, and that you’d come at exactly the moment he specified (yeah, right). He’d give you lists of punishments and tasks and insist on you calling him ‘Sir’, even if you’d never agreed to submit to him.

He was a dick.

He was also not alone – not by a long shot. In my time I have met many versions of this Superdom, and they are neither confined purely to men nor purely to kink. They are the people who will promise to blow your mind in bed, make grand statements about the kind of orgasms they deliver, and expect you to fall immediately at their feet, swooning in gratitude that they’ve deigned to decide to fuck you.

Are they actually good in bed? Well, it depends. The girl who promises that she gives the best blow jobs this side of Dallas may well turn out to be excellent. Sucking your dick in exactly the way you like, causing you to roll your eyes back in your head as you soak up the blissful sensations. Likewise, though, she might give exactly the kind of head you hate, and have you wincing slightly while trying to decide exactly how best to give blow job directions.

When I was younger – around University age, I reckon – I think I was one of these people. Youthful confidence and a desire to impress meant that I’d write some startlingly big cheques that my sexual skills could never hope to cash. I’ll be the best, the dirtiest, the horniest. I’ll give the sloppiest, choking blow jobs you have ever had in your life, then I will turn round and ride your cock like I’m at a rodeo, and you will jizz so powerfully and in such great volumes that you’ll require a drip to replenish the fluids.

I was not that good.

Don’t get me wrong, I had some pretty awesome sex, and I know that the guys I was with (on the whole) enjoyed it. But the problem wasn’t that I hadn’t mastered a specific set of skills, it was that I was promising things way before I understood exactly what the guys wanted me to promise.

Likewise with Superdom. Superdom says ‘submit’ and ‘obey’ before he knows exactly what kind of submission and obedience you’re into. He often – as I spotted in a series of blog posts by a self-appointed superdom recently – gives himself unusual names to differentiate his amazing skillz from those of other, lesser dominants. In the case of the series I read, he called himself a ‘Dominus’, whatever the blue fuck that is. Sometimes the phrase ‘alpha dom’ is bandied around, as if there’s a heirarchy and if you get a ‘gamma’ or a ‘theta’ dom you’ve been short changed.

As I say, I’m not immune from making these promises myself. I think we’ve probably all, at one point or another, overplayed our sexual prowess to a new partner in the hope that it will tempt them into bed. Problem is, though, that before you’ve had that first fuck – or the fifth, sixth or seventh, for that matter – you’ll never truly know exactly what someone likes. Before you’ve negotiated and experimented and discussed anything, you have no idea what counts as ‘good in bed’ for them.

In the case of the BJ queen, this translates into confusion and disappointment between the sheets. Superdom is an even worse prospect, though. If he’s lying or exaggerating (as he almost certainly is) then you’ll have a pretty crap time. If he genuinely believes what he says – that he can apply the same techniques to everyone and be assured of a universally excellent reception – then how much harder is it for you offer directions or make requests? How likely is he to listen when you tell him it’s not for you?

26 Comments

  • RB says:

    Oh god, the superdoms. Having been on the kink scene for about 18 months I’ve encountered a fuckton of them online and, in hindsight against my better judgment – met a couple. The ones I met turned out to be pricks; disrespectful of my limits and arrogant to the point where there wasn’t much personality left after the kink. I’m much more critical about who I choose as a result of them.

    (Though, conversely, I’m still in touch with dominant men I’ve fucked who are the total opposite; confident but respectful, encouraging but not pushy, and able to give you a fucking good time without it being all they can talk about, and happy to just hang out with you like a normal human, afterwards. A+ to the nice dom.)

  • justme says:

    There’s a rogue S in there. Such a turn off…

    (hopes GOTN gets that this is a gag and doesn’t take me down)

    • Girl on the net says:

      Well I do get it, but now I am hunting for an s…

      • justme says:

        “perhaps he will write a post explaining to other, lesser Doms how to controlS a submissive”

        • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

          A Real Dom always gets all of his grammar correct first time, every time. Any alleged mistakes are in fact faults with the reader, or the language itself.

          • Twiglet at hundred acres says:

            He controls language itself didn’t you know! How dare you doubt the power of the SuperDom.

            Ty gotn for making me smile ruefully as I think back over the few I have encountered – but also raising the most important points as always.

  • Victorianpornbot says:

    Well, I have a theta-sigma Dom and I count myself pretty bloody lucky.

    Sorry. Geek joke.

  • The One says:

    I wish I knew how to share this with my Dom in waiting. He has many of the aspects of the superdom all present and correct, together with an actual autistic spectrum disorder that makes it genuinely difficult for him to fully appreciate another perspective. The net result is fight after fight because of all the misunderstandings. I’ve actually got no idea what he likes in the sack, it’s hard to get it out of him.

    • Azkyroth says:

      together with an actual autistic spectrum disorder that makes it genuinely difficult for him to fully appreciate another perspective.

      Asperger’s here.

      “An actual autistic spectrum disorder” means mainly that you can’t expect him to pick up intuitively or read-between-the-lines what you want. If you explicitly and specifically tell him, and he disregards or tries to pick it apart to find an excuse to reject it, that’s not simply because he’s autistic.

  • Jane says:

    You know, I actually Googled ‘Dominus’ to find the literal definition of the word (for some bizarre reason, it conjured images of a kinky transport hub in my crazy-sauce brain O_o) and I was rather struck by its association with the Greek ‘Tyrannos’ (tyrant) … Jane xxx

  • Azkyroth says:

    Anyone who uses any construction based on the word “Alpha” to refer non-facetiously to a human being is completely full of shit.

  • I love reading these BDSM posts as it is something so alien to both Peter and me. Fascinating. A whole area of sexual experience we have never sampled.

  • Crazy Knickers says:

    You know I do give really, really good blowjobs. My secret? Before I even get on my knees I say to them they must tell me what they like and what they don’t like, give me direction and I’ll follow it because every man is different. I also just love sucking cock, so if they choose not to tell me what they want (what they really really want) then I will just worship their beautiful cock in a way which pleases me.

    • Lacrymology says:

      I’d very much like to know how do you like being given directions. Or to phrase it differently, how does one give BJ directions? I’ve found myself in the position of wanting to do it, and it’s fucking embarrassing, and I’m afraid it would be a mood killer

  • Jessy says:

    But what if a person is really good in bed, is having that arrogance bad?

    Also would there be a female counterpart to the Superdom? Apart from the women you mentioned are good in giving BJs. Because I feel there would be women who promises you the mindblowing sex but disappoints you in turn.

    • Girl on the net says:

      – would there be a female counterpart to the Superdom?
      Yep – I said this: “In my time I have met many versions of this Superdom, and they are neither confined purely to men nor purely to kink.”

      – what if a person is really good in bed, is having that arrogance bad?
      The point is that boasting about specific skills/ways you do things before you know if/how someone likes those things means you are putting the cart before the horse. Assuming they’ll like what you do. i.e. “Problem is, though, that before you’ve had that first fuck – or the fifth, sixth or seventh, for that matter – you’ll never truly know exactly what someone likes. Before you’ve negotiated and experimented and discussed anything, you have no idea what counts as ‘good in bed’ for them.”

    • Chris says:

      My definition of someone who is really good in bed is someone who has enough sensitivity and empathy to do what they enjoy and their partner enjoys too. For me it’s a mutual thing. Being told what I am expected to enjoy having done TO me without the other person really caring is just not sexy.

  • Jo says:

    Superdom is the first cousin of Craigslist Master of Sex – that guy who posts a dick pic along with something along the lines of “I’m super hung / I’ve never had a partner complain / I’m going to make you cum SO HARD / Your orgasms will be heard around the world as I make you scream again and again…” Just… ugh. There is a line between confidence and arrogance.

  • Cam says:

    The so called superdom is a child in a man’s body, emotionally immature, very self centred and really at the end of the day is only thinking about his needs been meet, will not care to communicate nor understand His submissive’s soft and hard limits and will abuse her for his personal sexual gratification.
    The so called superdom is nothing more than a pretender wishing his was a Gentlemen Dom but will always be the little boy that has never grown up.

  • Mr.XY says:

    Good call about the Dominus nonsense. More like Dingus. I maybe alone in this but all those terms are such a turn off for me; Master, Dom, Domme, Mistress, Slave, Sir etc etc. Seems so predictable and uniform to me. I’d love to discover some real women who enjoyed being dominant without all the theatrics and ego.

  • John McLean says:

    Superdoms are rampant on tumblr, and honestly I feel so much secondhand cringe from seeing them that it’s made me disassociate my own kinks pretty heavily from D/s. I know, on an intellectual level, that I would enjoy dabbling in it, but every time I think “do I want to explore this”, I picture a tumblr dom in a badly fitting suit tapping a spare belt off his hand.

    And why are they all obsessed with wolves?

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