Sometimes it’s my job to disgust you

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

Sometimes I want to arouse you. Sometimes I want to rant at you. I always want to entertain you. But occasionally I want to disgust you.

Partly because I think it’s important to highlight the fucking weird things we all do sometimes, because it makes everyone else feel a bit less weird about themselves. Partly because we’re constantly – constantly – told that experimenting with our bodies or enjoying them is dirty and bad and wrong (especially if we’re women).

But mostly because so much of what we think about sex is based on knee-jerk reactions, and when our knee-jerk reaction is one of disgust it’s worth examining why we feel disgusted. Is there a rational reason for it? Or is it, like that dildo made from human ashes, just something we condemn because our gut tells us we should?

So. As I put my sheets on yet another hot wash to get rid of the kind of gore you rarely see outside The Walking Dead, allow me to tell you some stuff.

Blow job puking

Sometimes, when I suck dick, I puke a bit. Then I swallow it. If you’re interested, the most memorable dick-sick I have ever experienced came shortly after a mint-choc-chip milkshake. It does not taste good the second time round, but I’ve no idea if the guy noticed. And I was too polite to ask if he realised that his prick now smelt like After Eights.

Period sex

I’ve had quite a lot of period sex. Being on my period makes me horny. Period sex in and of itself is not gross, but there is definitely something a bit shocking about hopping off someone’s dick and wondering if you’ve somehow accidentally torn it off.

Luckily most guys I’ve known have not been squeamish about sex. They’re generally less delighted with me sniffing my post-period-fuck fingers and saying ‘mmm. Tangy’ but to each their own.

I smell good when I smell dirty

Realistically, the above section was just my way of saying ‘sometimes I like the smells of my body.’ My body smells great. Period sex smells great. The smell of my toenail clippings is pleasant in a way that occasionally freaks me out – but more often just pleases me.

The best smell, fyi, is that of my gusset after I’ve had a quick pre-excursion fuck. When spunk mixes with the scent of me, brews for a couple of hours while I walk to the pub, then gets me a teeny bit high when I pull my knickers down later.

Crossing the streams

Once (OK twice) I have attempted a urination technique that I’m going to describe as ‘crossing the streams’: I sit on the toilet, guy stands in front of me, I open my legs and we attempt to piss together. This one isn’t really for sex, just curiosity. And fun.

(OK three times)

Other things

Once I had a dream that there were feathers growing out of my fingertips, and while the idea of that made me want to vomit, there was also something in the back of my brain which revelled in how satisfying it would be to pluck out each of the thick stems with tweezers.

I know a man who sniffs his slippers with a self-satisfied grin.

Roughly fifty percent of my knickers are bleach-stained at the crotch.

When guys have a cheeky sniff of their fingers after the bollock-scratch under the mistaken impression that I won’t notice: that’s adorable.

I watch YouTube videos of people squeezing blackheads.

Do I disgust you?

Often when I write about certain things – extreme BDSM, for instance – I get commenters asking me why I’d take pride in something that is so shocking to other people. My answer, for what it’s worth, is that I’m not taking pride in it any more than I’m wallowing in shame. I think I’m just enjoying it.

Enjoyment is a different thing to pride. Pride implies it’s an achievement – something I’ve worked for and want to hold up as the crowning glory of a certain part of my life. Pride is – and should be – limited. Can you imagine how tedious parties would be if we took pride in every single enjoyable moment?

No: I talk about dirty sex because it’s my everyday experience. And it’s everyday because I love it. The aim isn’t to make people think I’m fucking awesome, or to make those who don’t do it feel bad: the aim is to show it in an everyday light.

Sex, much like the ‘grosser’ aspects of our bodily functions, is often presented as if it’s either good or bad: disgusting or acceptable. Shiny or tarnished. But our bodies do loads of things, none of which have an actual moral value: they just are. Discharge, period blood, piss and blackheads: they’re like rain. Sometimes a pain in the arse, sometimes a joyful thing to dance around in: always just a thing you have to accept.

So if something will happen anyway, and it has no moral value, then why not enjoy it for what it is? Whether it’s a butt-plug-in-the-arse-and-ball-gag-in-the-mouth wank or a five second sniff of your fingers after a fuck?

I don’t think it’s always necessary to ‘reclaim’ things that have been frowned upon. While we can turn body hair from a dirty secret into an empowering statement, doing the same thing with farts or blackheads seems odd. But while we don’t need to reclaim it, we certainly shouldn’t be horrified by it.

Easiest, surely, to simply accept it.

16 Comments

  • SassyCat says:

    No. didn’t disgust me, but inspired me to write more honesty. I thought about writing about a few of those things, but didn’t have the courage. Sure in real life I can talk about that stuff. But not to others, I’m wrapped up in “what others will think of me.” Well Fuck that…not anymore. Thanks GOTN for inspiring me to start being less afraid of what others think about me and more about being honest with myself, being who I am.

  • rare deeds says:

    Definitely done the crossing the streams thing. Messy, but funny, & a big turn on for me.

  • John M says:

    My first time fingerfucking my girlfriend was a day or so before she was due her period, and by the time I was done I realised my fingers were stained up to my knuckles. Whether it had simply come early or I’d helped it along a little, I don’t know, but she seemed more freaked out than I was.

    Honestly it was pretty interesting, seen as it was also my first on-hand (ahaha…) experience with periods. It was much darker and more heavily smelled of iron than I expected.

  • RB says:

    Period sex is a ‘taboo’ I’m desperately trying to break. In the first couple of days I don’t want to fuck because I ache but after that, what’s stopping me? I get horny as fuck but cut myself off from any sex opportunities because of the ‘mess’ involved. It’s a shame, particularly as I’ve slept with at least a couple of guys who really haven’t cared. I hate to think I’ve internalised it as something disgusting, when I don’t feel that way about other dirtier bits of sex…

  • BCO says:

    I have to say this, I LOVE period sex. Not in the first two days because eew bloating and flow is so heavy and sore but in the latter half it is such a turn on. We’re already so horny at that time of the month, and it feels great. I’ve only done it a couple times with a long term partner and we were comfortable enough (and tested) to do it without a condom and he loved it too. So wet and its just hot! Makes me sad now that I’m single and not dating much, be so long before I have period sex with someone I trust enough not to make it weird. :(

  • Sadie says:

    The only thing here that shocked me was the hot wash. Doesn’t everyone know a hot wash sets a protein stain?

    Cold water keeps your sheets looking as pure as the driven snow when you’ve been filthy on them.

    I think my Home Ec teacher was talking about egg yolk stains on picnic blankets when I learned this. Much more useful for period sex and jizz frankly…

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha, well I was always told cold soak followed by hot wash, but I bow to your expertise – maybe next time I make a mess I’ll do half one way and half the other like on the Daz challenge? =)

  • Jo says:

    So, wait – are you saying that there are people who give blow jobs who *haven’t* puked on a dick before?

    I identify with all of this. I’m an armpit sniffer, especially in the morning after lots of sweaty sex. I like that men don’t shave their armpits because the hair catches all that sweat! I also love my own body odor. AND I have a shit ton of dreams about various things – mushrooms, hairs, tiny creatures – growing out of various parts of my body. What IS that?

  • Charlie says:

    I wish more bloggers would tackle the bleached underwear thing – I think it happens to a lot of us.

  • Asrai Devin says:

    I read yesterday that vaginal discharge is the similar pH to bleach. Which explains why my panties are also bleached. I love body smells too. Especially my vagina. I also read yesterday that the vagina doesn’t smell like flowers. It had its own beautiful smell.

  • The quiet one says:

    I’d love to know why people find urination a turn on, it’s a mystery to me, not even remotely sexy?

  • David says:

    Didn’t disgust me and some of those are turn ons too. My favourite for me was licking a girlfriends sweaty armpits, loved the smell and the sex afterwards was great.

  • furcoatfrillyknickers says:

    See, I feel like this may be a safe space to share recent ‘disgusting’ sex experience. I quite often fart when I cum (all that punding and squeezing I presume) and, following some anal fingering and a weekend or poor diet choices, recently my worst fears of follow through were confirmed. Yup, I shat on my boyfriend’s balls.

    The brilliant thing was how entirely relaxed he was at the situation as I was consumed by mortified panic. He wiped, changed the sheets while I showered, and then joined me there, and his acting like this was no big deal managed to calm me right down. Man I love that boy.

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