Regular readers will know how much I enjoy stories of first times: there is so much in life to discover, and even if I’m not able (or inclined) to discover a particular kink for myself, there’s a huge amount of vicarious joy to experience in hearing about someone else’s first time ‘thing.’ This week, I’m welcoming back Emilia Romero, whose words have already shattered my heart then knit it back together again in this beautiful piece about finding BDSM, as well as delivering exuberant joy in this post about discovering Doxy. Today she’s back to talk about a new adventure with her friend N, and how camming with him helped her feel seen…
Camming with him: I feel seen
“I’ve had an idea,” says my friend N. “How would you feel about going on camera?”
N has known me since I was a teenager. He knows about my battles with my body and my confidence. Since my marriage broke down, he’s been my cheerleader and confidante. He’s also been my partner as I’ve learned to enjoy sex again. Learned to love myself again. He’s challenged and supported me and helped remind me of my own splendour. I love to hear his suggestions for adventure and the fact that he always, always respects my ‘no.’
I’m definitely tempted to say no right now. Me on camera? Who would want to watch that? I’m a middle-aged woman, saggy around the edges, my skin punctuated with stretch marks and scars. I’m braver than I used to be but I still have that inner whisper occasionally telling me I’m too old, too fat, basically too damn ridiculous. On this occasion, rather than agree, I tell my inner whisper to shut the hell up.
“I love this idea,” I tell N.
I change into a bodystocking, fishnet, lace and crotchless. Wearing one is something that a year ago, I wouldn’t have even considered. Bodystockings, especially flimsy crotchless ones, were for young, firm sexy people: not the likes of me. Now though, it feels perfect. I feel slutty and sexy and ready. For me, this outfit says, “fuck me right now.”
N takes some photos and I’m surprised by how I look. I look beautiful.
We log into a cam room and straight away, messages appear on the screen.
‘You have a lovely smile’
‘Can you stand up and turn around?’
‘Can I have a shout out?’
With N next to me, I revel in the attention I’m getting from camming with him. I read the messages, feeling N’s cock grow hard in my hand. I love that N is excited by this. I love that he wants to show me off.
We enjoy playing for a while, angling the camera for the best view of me on top, taking him into my cunt. N tells me to get on all fours and I come quickly and loudly as he fucks me from behind.
I scan the messages appearing in the chat window.
‘I’m about to erupt’
‘You two are amazing’
It’s intoxicating, knowing that people out there are watching and wanking. For so many years, I hid away and folded myself up as small as I could be. I was that woman that no-one really noticed, one who used to have dreams and opinions and a sex drive but had lost them all in a grey cloud of drudgery and fear and routine. I was shapeless and dried out. I had no idea who I was.
“You’re a filthy slut, Emilia,” says N, his mouth so close to my ear that our audience won’t be able to hear his words. “And I think filthy sluts should get fisted on camera, don’t you?’
Nothing feels more right or perfect than what he’s just suggested.
“Yes. Fist me.”
I lean over the arm of the sofa, offering myself up to N. I’m over eager and try to rush things, but he warns me to slow down and reminds me that he’s in charge. I feel his fingers, taking a sweet exploration of my clit. I come again, feeling exquisite and dreamy but so impatient for more.
Slowly, slowly, N pushes his fingers inside me. There’s a point, as with the other times we’ve tried, when it feels like too much and I’m tempted to stop things. Instead, I take a breath and ease myself back onto his hand. I feel a pressure, a tightness and pain but then a release as he’s fully inside me. N’s fingers have created pleasure for me in so many ways, but this feels like a new level. I’m full of him. He’s moving his hand gently at first and then more urgently as I beg him for more. I come twice, quickly and loudly, forgetting my audience. I’m greedy for this. I’m lost in lust. N’s hand is stretching me and filling me and I’m adrift. I’m not just feeling pleasure, I am pleasure. It’s as though every cell in my body is working together for one cause, to make me feel glorious. I’m now basically just sensation and noise and when I come again, I squirt hard, gushing down N’s arm.
“Good girl,” he says, as I collapse into the sofa, breathing hard, sweaty and wet. He holds me as I return to the room and reality.
Then I notice the laptop screen is lit up –
‘Wow! You two are sexy as hell’
‘I’m jealous, mate’
‘I’ve cum so hard watching you’
In the moment, I’d forgotten I was even camming with him at all – forgotten they were there. I smile as I read the reactions of my anonymous audience. Now though, I just want to lean into N. I close the laptop, delighted in myself and what I’ve just done.
I feel seen.