Someone else’s story: choosing love over kink

Image by the excellent Stuart F Taylor

For me, sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship. It’s up there with trust, laughter, and an ability to tolerate each other’s excessive flatulence after curry night. Sex – if it’s good enough – is often a key motivator to help me fall for someone in the first place.

The idea of a long-term relationship with someone who didn’t share at least a fair proportion of my kinks makes me desperately sad. But in the past when I’ve raised this with friends I’ve been told that sex isn’t everything – it pales into insignificance when you compare it to the mighty force of love.

I was doubtful, and I still am doubtful that sex – for me – will ever take a back seat in terms of my priorities. But for this week’s guest blogger it’s done just that. I’m delighted to have her here because her perspective is so different to my own, and I’d love to know if other people have struggled with similar things – have you ever fallen in love and had to make a similar choice?

Someone else’s story: choosing love over kink

I’m dirty. I’m filthy. I’m a slut. My mind is constantly wandering between kinky fantasies where I’m being used and abused and these fantasies make my cunt throb.

For years this was what happened to me: I was in relationships with guys that made my unspeakable fantasies a reality. I was whipped, beaten and peed on into a sweaty, cum-covered mess. I knelt before relative strangers and begged for their worst and they gave it. I submitted to harsh experienced Masters who knew how to make me tremble without a single touch, could make me cum from a well delivered spanking and always left me wanting more. I “knew” I would be a dirty girl till the day I died.
I was happy to be treated this way.

So how merely 3 years from my last spanking have I ended up married to a guy who thinks doggy style is kinky, who could never speak during sex and is happy with once a week missionary?

No I didn’t run out of things to do. I drip at the thought of being roughly taken up the arse but know I will never know the feeling. There is so many scenes I’m yet to try. I’m still submissve in my soul.

No I don’t think I can change him. No I don’t cheat. If you had asked me before I met him if I could give up filth I would have sworn it was impossible. So can a self identified filthy slut be happy with a ‘vanilla’ guy?

The answer is yes. I’m happy. I love him more than I knew I could and know this is the forever after people dream about. As sappy as that sounds but when you know you know!

I think it’s all about priorities. Mine changed the first time he kissed me. Love. Family. Happiness. They are more important to me than filthy sex.

Did I compromise? Am I going to resent him in 10 years? Who knows! I don’t think so. My life is great. He is great.

He knows how to make me smile at the end of a really shit day.

He knows when to shut up and leave me alone.

He knows my favourite bands, books, food etc.

He makes my family his family and me part of his.

He gets me in a way no one ever had.

So I don’t tremble into subspace with a look. Sex is functional. It scratches an itch. It made my child. I’m not saying he’s bad in bed – I’m saying we aren’t sexually compatible. Somewhere there are girls who just want a quiet fuck on a Saturday night – should he be with one of them?

We all know someone or had a relationship that ended because they had different views on religion, family (usually whether to have one or not) or other significant issues. Is sex one of these issues? Or, more importantly, should it be? Do we put to much emphasis on sexual tastes and dismiss otherwise perfect relationships? We all know that relationships are about give and take. We put up with annoying habits (the snoring that brings the roof down, the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, the lateness – and that’s just my own habits). We agree to disagree on many things.

Sex is great, but surely love has to be more important. I don’t think it would be a very healthy state of mind to choose a sexual relationship over a loving one. Of course you can have both – I am sure many people do – but if that’s not what fate has in store for you then you play the hand you’re given.

So I am happy in my ‘normal’ sex life. You may call it boring, you may say it can never work but every night I curl up next to a guy I love. If I threw our relationship away for dirty sex maybe I would never again find this heart stopping love.

So I will continue to rub myself furiously to thoughts of what I could have had done to me if the love of my life had been a filthy guy, but I will continue to love my life.

So would you give up filthy sex for the person you love?

I’d love to know what you think – is sex (and specifically the type of sex) a vital part of any relationship, and a potential ‘dealbreaker’ when you’re thinking about who to spend the rest of your life with? Are you in a relationship where you’ve reached a happy compromise? As with many sexual things, I think this is going to be different for everyone, so if you’ve struggled with this before I’d love to know how you dealt with it, and what you’ve decided your priorities and compromises are.


  • Elly says:

    I think the thing that struck me the most out of this story was the lack of compromise. It reads in a way that suggests she is going without her natural (for her) desires being fulfilled, while her husband hasn’t stepped up to meet her half way. No not every couple is perfectly compatible in every way, but you work together to reach a happy medium.

    For me personally, yes sex is important and it would absolutely be a dealbreaker if a potential partner couldn’t satisfy me both physically AND mentally. I know for some people, sex isn’t all that important in a relationship, but for me it has to feel more than just “scratching an itch” (that’s what masturbating is for, right?). I desire my man not only because I find him hot, but because he knows how to touch me JUST the way I like it. He knows what my body needs to burn with lust. He knows what will make me beg him to fuck me. He knows what to say to make me think “Oh god yes”. If I didn’t have that, I wouldn’t feel satisfied. Like I’ve scratched, but the itch is still there.

    • Girl on the net says:

      The compromise thing – it’s hard to judge other people’s situations without knowing exactly what they’ve been through etc. As this story is specifically about filthy sex, that’s what the blogger has focused on. I don’t think it means anyone can draw conclusions about compromise specifically – because it may be that there are loads of other issues at play. And besides, I think there are some things that people just don’t want to compromise on. If I fell for a guy who had a very specific fetish that he couldn’t get off without, and that fetish actively turned me off, I’m not sure either of us would necessarily be able to compromise on it. If it didn’t turn me off, though, then I’d probably happily compromise by mixing it into a sex life that involved lots of other things, if he was up for that. Not sure if my example is the best there to be honest, but hope you get what I mean!

      I love your itch-scratching example – think that’s a lot of how things are for me too. Occasionally I get into a pattern of having the same type of sex, and I get a bit unhappy and can’t work out why. Then the boy will tie my ankles to the bedpost and fuck me like I’m bad, and I realise that was the itch that needed scratching all along.

  • D. says:

    All of my relationships for the last 10+ years have been built up on a foundation of good filthy sex, so it’s a bit hard to say. In fact, I’m not sure how I’d get into a relationship these days without having first discovered that we were sexually compatible.

    Possibly this says all that needs to be said about my priorities. :-)

    • Girl on the net says:

      I think I’m the same, D – any relationship would probably spring out of something that was emotionally relatively casual, and where most of the bonds were built on filth. I think I’d struggle to build this kind of relationship without it, but I got pretty soppy when she was explaining how ace her partner is, so I can certainly see why she’s chosen him =)

  • Rachel says:

    It’s interesting because I find myself in the same position as your guest blogger. I took the attitude when I started my sexual adventures, that provided it wasn’t illegal or immoral and consensual, why not try everything once and it resulted in some of the most amazing sexual experiences in my life so far.

    Having been, and thoroughly enjoyed, threesomes, swingers’ clubs, sex in public places as well as some pretty kinky things in the comfort of my own home, I thought I’d never be able to settle for someone ‘vanilla’.

    I started casually dating two very different chaps at the same time. One was quite tame in the bedroom and the other made my loins burn with desire; I quite simply could not get enough of him! And the stuff we got up to together still makes me smile and blush now. As well as a backside you could bounce a penny off!

    Anyway, the dates progressed and I soon realised that the tamer chap was so much more interesting and that was I was slowly falling in love with him. The wilder guy though, I wanted to jump his bones constantly but that was about it.

    Fast forward 5 years and I’m due to marry the tamer guy this year (having never cheated on him and still finding him utterly attractive) and I do not regret one bit of it. I always thought sexually compatibility was the be all and end all of a relationship whereas I realise now, it’s just a small part of what makes a successful partnership. There has been compromise on both parts – me not tying him up, him tying me up. Him trying things at least once, me trying not to be too grumpy if he doesn’t appreciate a particular kink but on the whole, I think we can both say, it’s probably not the sex life we envisaged but it is a relationship 1000 times better than we both could have imagined.

    • BSB says:

      It sounds like you’re not in quite the same position as the guest blogger. As has been pointed out, it doesn’t sound there’s been a lot of real compromise in Guest Blogger’s relationship in that it doesn’t sound like her guy’s been willing to try any of the kinky stuff. I mean, if he doesn’t even speak during sex…? With the caveat that we can’t really judge any of this from a few words on the internet, your relationship sounds like a much healthier version of ‘kinky person ends up with non-kinky person’ than the OP’s. There’s been compromise on both sides, and it sounds like you’ve ended up in a good place. I wish you all the best!

      For myself, I could possibly forgo kink with a woman but not with a man, for the reason that most vanilla men (in my experience) default to a position of dominance/control, and I prefer to take the lead. It might be a cliche, but it’s easier for me to find women who want me to be dominant than men.

      My kinks are one expression of my overall personality, and I feel like if I wasn’t sexually compatible with someone, it would be an indication that we weren’t compatible in other ways. But then I’ve never been in a situation like this, so who knows.

  • Alys says:

    I try – very hard – not to judge other people’s relationships, but this bothers me. As Elly said, the implication is that there is no compromise, that the vanilla guy isn’t willing to push his boundaries at all, ever, for the sake of the same remarkable love that means that the writer feels more important than her own desire for kink. This strikes me .as utterly unequal, and would be a deal breaker for me.

    I’ve been with my partner for over ten years and we discovered our various kinks and strangenesses on each other. He is far more of a switch than I, and whereas I’m happy to sub endlessly, he doesn’t feel that way as a Dom. I’d even go so far as to say some of his submissive desire freak me out, being more extreme than my own.

    Have we fought over it? Yeah, sure we have. And how did we end those fights? Through compromise. I will Domme for him, because he loves it, and I will even do it in ways that make me uncomfortable, because he does get bored with endless topping and I respect that. Meanwhile, he has the decency to recognise my discomfort and not push it too far or too often.

    Honestly, had the article concluded with a, ‘so I get a bit of light kink once.a month and we have lights off sex every Saturday’ I’d be feeling a lot more warm, fuzzy romance right now. As it is, I’m trying, and, and probably failing, not to judge.

  • This post made me a bit dewy eyed myself…Everyone has to make the right choice for themselves, and good on “love over kink” for finding happiness. After all that’s what it’s all about right? For us all. I was in a largely sexless relationship for five years, which made me utterly depressed, and threw my self-esteem completely under the train. I realised that if I couldn’t be a sexual being, along with all the kink and crazy, the wild hard fucking, hair pulling and biting, the whispered dirty talk, then I would rather just be alone. My call, my choice. Thank god we women finally get the choice: the choice to stay with a guy we love vanilla style, or the choice to stay wild and free and sometimes maybe a little bit lonely, but never destitute because of our choices!!! ; )

    • Azkyroth says:

      Everyone has to make the right choice for themselves, and good on “love over kink” for finding happiness.

      My own experience being married to a vanilla, and also abusive, partner for five years may be coloring this a bit, but this reads to me much more like intense self-gaslighting than “finding happiness.”

      Agree with Alys and Elly, too.

  • Valery North says:

    While I get that to some people, kink is just about the sex – the wonderful, dirty, transgressive sex – for me it just can’t stop there. Power exchange, D/s-ness, the little exchanges that signal that it’s not just a “scene” but a foundation, the whole way of relating in an equal-negotiated yet unequal-controlled web of “who-the-heck-has-the-real-power-anyway?” way, is what it’s about.

    Kink is love, in my mind. While I get that it works differently for ‘nillas (and presumably those who are all about the kinky sex, or are like the OP) and appreciate what they feel when they do their type of loving is the same as what I feel with kink love, it isn’t something I can relate to directly. There are various theories about “languages of love” or “‘cat’ types vs ‘dog’ types”, or whatever, that say people have different ways of showing, and wishing to be shown, love, affection and connection. I guess mine is on some deep level rooted in kink or power exchange.

    Which makes it hard to relate to the story in the OP. And yet, like I said, I can appreciate when someone says, “This works for me.” I’ve heard a few similar stories and always puzzle over them, but if the love you need is communicated in the ways you need, then that’s enough.

    As for, “So would you give up filthy sex for the person you love?” – filthy sex? Yes. But if I gave up kink, I wouldn’t understand it as loving or being loved, in a romantic sense. We might as well be good friends (and yes, for me, friendship implies another form of love).

    • Girl on the net says:

      That’s really interesting – thanks Valery! I think to a certain extent I need some kind of sexual exchange (i.e. I want sex to be something that involves that back-and-forth power) but I find it tricky to have that kind of power exchange bleed through into other things. I have known a few couples in my time who have a really intense, incredibly hot dynamic where you can see that their love is part and parcel of the exchange of power. I don’t think that type of thing is for me, and I’d guess I’m probably more of a kinky-sex rather than kinky-love type person, but I can certainly understand why it really appeals to some people, especially having seen how well it works for some couples. Good to hear from another perspective – thanks!

  • Dm7 says:

    One of the reasons my partner and I decided to open up our relationship to ethical, conceptual non-monogamy was because of this exact reason; unlike the guest blogger, I couldn’t hold back my resentment and anxiety at the thought of being ‘trapped’ in a situation where my desires couldn’t be fulfilled because I had promised sexual exclusivity to my partner. I really didn’t want to cheat (and I didn’t) and I didn’t want to break up with him, but in the end we both became so unhappy at the tension that we sat down and talked about opening things up.

    It took a while, lots of communication and meeting people very slowly. But now the people I met for casual kink have evolved into new partners who I have great friendships with and love for, and he gets on with them too. And whilst he’s not kinky himself, he has found new partners who he can do things with that I’m not interested in (like rockclimbing and seeing dance shows), which he was always frustrated about having to do alone. He’s also enjoying exploring his sexuality with other vanilla people, and this has fed back into our own sex lives and made it better.

    So that solution has worked really well for us, and we have found opening up our relationship has improved, not detrimented, our own relationship.

    Is this a cure-all I would suggest for all people? Is it without problems? NO to both. I do not think non-monogamy is inherently better than monogamy at all, and non-monogamy can lead to TERRIBLE THINGS if the people involved are not on the same wavelength about what they’re all doing. But being open can bring a surprising amount of benefits to a relationship, and I’m glad it worked out for us.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Wow – that’s impressive Dm7. Sounds like you’ve found a bloody good way to do compromise, and this is the kind of thing I would love to be able to do. I struggle with non-monogamy, and I also struggle with monogamy if I’m 100% honest. I am deeply envious of people who can do it well and make it work. But perhaps my envy/jealousy is part of the reason why I can’t ever make it work myself =) Glad it worked out so well for you!

  • Chris says:

    This is surprisingly relevant for me. My background has plenty of kink and openness, and in previous relationships, there were elements of boundary pushing and exploration. That’s brought with it the good and the bad, but whichever way, it basically feels like my default. I’m an outrageous flirt and I’m used to flirting involving anything up to and including penetration.

    And then…

    I met my partner in the wake of my previous relationship. She’d just come out of one as well. When we started, the sex was fantastic – all new and exciting and fun and everything else that comes with two people finding that they adore each other and they can’t think of anywhere they’d rather be than naked with each other. She had, at the time, some enthusiasm for experimenting. Despite living together, we’ve currently not had sex in… a long time. As in well over a year.

    Her depression ties into a number of things. She’s scared. A lot. She goes through times when she wants to kill herself. She was hospitalised for a while at one point. Her family could be more help, but they’re terrified that it’s their fault, so they don’t really acknowledge it as much as they could. When things are good, they’re okay. When they’re bad…well, they’re bad. While things have been improving a lot over the last couple of years, we haven’t got back to ‘good’ yet. I do everything I can to be supportive, which sometimes means actually doing nothing. But I’m there for her as much as I can be.

    Between her medication, which plays havoc with her libido along with making orgasm both difficult and not wonderfully fulfilling, and her sense of self-image, which is currently the worst it’s ever been, it’s been difficult for her. So, basically, sex right now is difficult for her both physically and emotionally. So, while we talk about it, I’m not going to pressure her – it could make things worse. This has to operate at her pace, not mine.

    With regards to the kink aspect, that’s off the cards for a long time at least – and it took a little while for her to realise that this was a sacrifice for me. Sex, I think, will happen again. There’s been more affection and touching and playing recently, and things look like they’re moving in the right direction in a whole load of ways. With luck and work, we can work our way back towards a healthy sex life, which needs her to feel better about herself.

    I get things out of this relationship, even if I would love for it to be more enthusiastic in terms of both sex and overt talk of love. But the fact that she can be with anyone at all, and the fact that it’s me, is something that I don’t underestimate.

    I don’t know what the future holds. It may well not be anything good. But it might be and I want to wait and find out. I’m not trapped in the relationship and I know that I could leave. If things get to the point where I don’t think they can improve, then I may have to do so. But I want to do everything I can first, and some of the signs of progress are positive enough that I think it’s the right thing to do. So, I’ve put love over kink and even occasional sex. I’d rather take the risk of going without for a while and have the hope that things improve over the risk of leaving and what could have been.

    • hypersquare says:

      De-lurking just to acknowledge the support, patience and understanding being shown here. It sounds a difficult situation, but one that I’m sure happens a lot more than it gets talked about.

      I have a disability and chronic pain condition which I did not have when I started current (long-term, monogamous/ish) relationship. Partner definitely did not sign on for someone who goes for weeks at a time unable to have any kind of sex in any position (can’t even do oral or hand stuff), and I so appreciate not being pressured about it. I make sure to tell partner that I’m sorry for frustration caused, it’s not that they are any less fanciable, it’s just my stupid body preventing me from doing what I’d otherwise want to – think it helps a little? It’s a weird situation because pre-illness I was the more active, initiating, boundary-pushing, always up-for-it of us, and I’ve become the one who says not tonight dear. I honestly don’t know which is worse – being turned on but finding any kind of sexual contact unbearably painful (and potentially injurious), or being on the meds that have a side effect of damping libido and preventing orgasm. Ugh.

      Pre-illness, I was in a somewhat similar situation to that being discussed. History of what I think is a fair amount of exploration, mild-to-moderate kink, and multiple partners. Current partner vanilla, much less history. To my surprise I found that my own attitude to kink is fairly take-it-or-leave-it; always been game to have a go at whatever previous guys and girls suggested, but don’t really miss it if they don’t.

      • Sarah says:

        This sounds vaguely similar to my situation. When my husband and I fell in love, I hadn’t been diagnosed: when we got together, we had a year of great but not overly kinky sex. He had an enormous sex drive and I was enjoying it.

        Then I ended up on a medication that put me in menopause for two years and I had not only no libido but I found any physical intimacy terrifying and gross. As a man with a high sex drive, this was hell for him – but he loved me so much that he still asked me to marry him. Once I stopped the drug, it didn’t come back and my poor husband resigned himself to a life of no sex. He never would have believed that this would happen, but it did – and we were so in love that it more than made up for the lack of sex, for both of us. Of course it was rough but we never came close to quitting.

        He was rewarded for his patience late last year when my libido returned stronger than ever, after five whole years. We are now having incredible sex – but if his libido disappeared tomorrow, I wouldn’t even consider leaving him or finding a lover or anything else. Love is infinitely better than sex, and I say this as a woman who currently is producing too much testosterone and is basically like a horny teenage boy. I’d give it all up for him without a thought. The sex is a lovely bonus, but it will never be the priority.

        Given the voracity of both his and my sexual urges and different times (I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum), I’m inclined to believe that anyone who doesn’t feel this way has never really experienced this kind of love – but there’s no way I can know that.

        I write this in the hope that it will help someone going through something similar. Communication is so much more important in this situation – you can make it it you’re honest. And if there’s no obvious cause, get a very sensitive hormone profile done at various stages of their cycle. A tiny imbalance can lead to enormous issues in this area – believe me.

        I’m so worried this will all come back when I hit menopause for real, so I plan to fit as much sex as possible into the next 20 years. Right, off to distract my husband from work… ;)

  • Sophia says:

    I agree with Alys and Elly: it seems like the writer has given up all her kinky sexual wishes while her partner is getting exactly the kind of vanilla sex he enjoys with no compromise on his part. Maybe there’s a history of him trying to give her more of the rough sex she wants, but without hearing about it, this comes across as one-sided. There’s a lot of room between being ‘whipped, beaten and peed on into a sweaty, cum-covered mess’ and quiet missionary once a week. I understand that socially the pressure is on the kinkier person to turn down their desires for their vanilla partner, but it seems like instead of meeting in the middle, the writer’s partner has put the onus on the writer to give up all her kinks for the pleasure of being in a relationship with him. It’s like a false dichotomy exists for the writer and the relationship benefits are weighed against the lack of kinky sex, as if love and kinky sex couldn’t coexist, while her partner gets to have the relationship benefits as well as vanilla sex he enjoys. I guess I’m just not seeing how the writer can say that ‘relationships are about give and take’ without showing how her partner strives to live by the same standards.

  • MKing says:

    No one ever has to defend vanilla sex, especially the missionary, one a week variety. And we kinksters sometimes (sometimes! for some of us!) feel bad about asking for the dirty, dirty sex or kink or kink/sex we like, or maybe even need. (Hope there are no English teachers grading that last sentence). If the guest blogger can live without that forever, than Yahtzee! But I couldn’t. I eventually had to go to my wife and have the shameful discussion. Turns out my wife was reasonably cool and it led to some fun exploration and an amount of openness to play with others. Can the guest blogger really go without her need forever without resentment? I’m not sure the statistics are great on that, but maybe. I think Dan Savage would say to have a discussion and leave open the possibility that maybe down the road, in a few months or years, he will try some of the things she likes.

  • Ian says:

    Well, my experience has been (I guess) somewhat the opposite of your guest blogger!
    I met my first serious girlfriend at University and had a 15 year loving and close relationship with her made up of very vanilla weekly (sometimes monthly) sex – where over time I began to explore the sexual variety that a big city (and the internet) can offer behind her back! Falling for a co-worker split us up (probably for both our benefits), but led to another very vanilla (but also loving and emotionally fulfilling) relationship of 10 years (is there a pattern here?). Where I explored all my desires behind her back, from Bondage, BDSM and Bukkake, to Gang Bangs and Swinging with a circle of fuck buddies and casual encounters. Whilst I never had an ‘affair’ I certainly fucked a lot of women and came in lots of different situations and holes!
    Happily that relationship ended when I met my current partner, and today celebrating the fourth anniversary (of our first date which involved fucking all night) with her – blissfully happy emotionally and sexually I know that my other two relationships were a “life half lived.”
    Now my girl and I have hot, horny filthy sex pretty much every day, and share porn, talk openly about what we’ve done and would like to do – and are able to enjoy acting out each other’s fantasies. Most recently I was plugged in the ass whilst we fucked watching gay porn (her call) and in the return match her ass was plugged for a dp experience and the porn dvd was lesbian action 9my call obviously!).
    And my point – I don’t want to judge anyone (hoping no-one is judging me); but for me I now know that what I was looking for all those years of sexually adventuring behind my partner’s back does exist, a soul mate I can spend all and everyday with, and fuck like a slut – knowing she will fuck me like a slut back :)
    Now that’s a life lived to the full – I haven’t looked for sex anywhere else in these four years, and don’t want or need to. For two summers we’ve holidayed at lifestyle resorts and haven’t fucked anyone else because we give each other everything we need sexually. We have enjoyed fucking outdoors and in public though ;)
    All we need to do is get past our five year anniversary, and you know – I’d bet my life on that happening!

    • Sarah says:

      See, what that story suggests to me is that you didn’t love either of those women – loving people and exploring sex outside the relationship without their knowledge, is not compatible.

      Also, our hormones change as we get older – it’s very possible that the blogger has reached the point in her life where stability, commitment and love are more valuable to her than doing the filthiest things you can think of. That’s fun and everything, but emotionally unfulfilling if not part of a loving relationship (in my experience). If my husband only wanted vanilla sex (in fact, after a disgraceful binge of sluttery recently he’s in the mood for more sensual sex right now), there’s no way I would choose emotionless dirty encounters over the emotional connection we have, ever.

  • Lucy says:

    My current partner is an extreme introvert, and it’s taken him two years just to be comfortable having sex with me, let alone trying anything even slightly different. I am lucky enough to have an array of varied partners and experiences, all of which have been much more filthy than the relationship I have now.

    So, am I choosing love over kink? I don’t think I’ve ever even considered it that way. I love and desire my partner with all my heart and soul, and when we have sex, which can vary from almost adventurous to the most plain tesco-value vanilla flavoured low fat yoghurt sex, I enjoy it, I don’t ache for anything else, and more often than not I am satisfied. I guess I have found that, for me, it’s not always the specific action or situation that gets me hot, it’s the person. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t now enjoy anything I used to, but I have never wished for him to be someone in the bedroom that he isn’t, otherwise he wouldn’t be him, and that wouldn’t be sexy.

    And if, in the future, he gets more comfortable and things change, I won’t mind either!

  • Emmy says:

    I’m afraid I’m with you, GotN. To me, sexual compatibility is key in having a loving, fun, fulfilling relationship. I used to think I could be with vanilla guys but sadly realised it just doesn’t work for me. To each their own, though. I am happy that she is happy. I just know that I would never be happy with just that. I’d rather be best friends with that guy. I mean can’t a girl have true love AND amazing kinky sex? It’s what I’m looking for, anyway. Love and kink. It is hard to find but it’s what I want, what will make me happy. I don’t think I should settle for a situation I wouldn’t be happy in.

    • Sarah says:

      Which is all well and good, but if you can’t find both – what’s more important to you? Life and relationships are compromise.

      This isn’t a judgement, just a curiosity.

    • Sarah says:

      Oh, and when you love every inch of someone to the point where they make your soul happy, you can’t “just be friends”. I’d rather have that than someone spitting in my face or choking me or using me, any day (I know I’m lucky to have both but it hasn’t even plain sailing)

  • North Country Shy Boy says:

    Long term relationships are about compromise in many areas, of which sėx is one. To use the old analogy of a Venn Diagram, no partners are exact matches, but the bigger the crossover section in the middle, the easier it is to make a relationship work.
    To me, sex is hugely important and I have a higher sėx drive than my partner. We are both what you would call vanilla, but even within that label there are different degrees of kink. For me, the key is to keep an open mind and try things. This needs trust, communication and, above all, love.
    For me, there is no better feeling than bringing my partner to orgasm. Feeling her cunt tighten, hearing her moan and watching her body writhe is my drug of choice. She can happily achieve that multiple times from the most vanilla of sex sessions, which makes it easy to slip into a comfortable rut.
    However, I like to spice things up a bit and, generally, she is happy to go along with that. The cornerstone of any session is that she will have multiple orgasms, but within that framework we can introduce other games. Sėx in public, roleplay, dressing up, dirty talk, porn to watch, porn to read, light bondage, anal, toys, lube, photos, different rooms, different positions, different times of day and night. Not ground-breaking, Earth shattering kinky dirtiness, but variety and subtle changes to keep 25 years of sex with the same partner a bit fresh.
    You know what, we change too. Minds and bodies change over time and so do our needs and desires.
    Some things work for both of us, some work for one of us. Love to me means pleasuring your partner as well as yourself – not pursuing things that they really don’t like, but maybe sometimes going along with things that they like a lot more than you. And yes, sometimes settling for quick and easy when you fancy a bit more.
    Because you get off on their pleasure.
    Because tomorrow it’s your turn to choose and they will go along with that too, to pleasure you.
    I doubt any two partners have exactly the same sexual urges and desires – we all compromise to a degree; that’s love and respect for you.
    It’s not clear whether the partner of the OP knows how they feel. If they do and if they love them, they will compromise to some degree. Otherwise sexual frustration has an unhappy knack of seeping out somehow, in same way, and it may not result in a happy ending.

  • Kinky Lad says:

    I’m the type that loves to experiment sexually and very few types of sex I won’t do. Currently in a relationship but she is much more vanilla than I but I can be honest with her tell her my sexual play stories and fantasies.
    Yes someone who wants to play in the same way would be great as Gemini see how it goes for now always think can try make her more adventurous.
    All the stuff your into Girlonthenet similar to me willing to try most anything though at least one thing I may be kinkier in wanting but never say here. Love your blogs always interesting.

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