“Ever seen a blog post about a weird sex toy designed to simulate the feeling of a vagina and thought, what kind of a lonely fuck would use one of those?”
No, I haven’t. And yet the author of this Jezebel post clearly has. If you ask me that says acres more about the author than about the many hundreds of thousands of people who enjoy using male sex toys.
Note: I know that not everyone who has a dick is a dude, but I’m using the term ‘male sex toys’ here because it’s what people generally search for when they are thinking of ‘sex toys you put your cock in’ – more info on how I’m using this term in this more recent piece on sex toys for men.
Male vs female sex toys
I once wrote, and still firmly believe, that female masturbation began to shake off its unnecessary ‘taboo’ status when people realised it could be marketed. A girl furtively masturbating with her hand doesn’t make people any money, but a girl buying a massive pink dildo and telling all her friends how she’s revitalised her sex life is a great money-spinner. That’s not to say that it’s bad to make money off stuff – we live in a capitalist society and that is, by and large, what we do.
My problem, of course, was with the fact that although sex toys for women grew more popular, there was still a weird sense (particularly in the mainstream media) that girls just enjoying a good hand shandy was odd. Pink and packaged: great. Quick and dirty: bad.
Jezebel on sex toys
Apparently this has now been extended further – some people believe that while women who use toys are acceptable, guys who use toys are not. The excellent Tauriq Moosa pointed this out on Twitter by comparing the “lonely fuck” comment about men with a different Jezebel post on toys for women: spoiler alert, the one for women isn’t half as offensive.
I’m gobsmacked that Jezebel is peddling the idea that while female toys are good, male toys are dirty and wrong. The hypocrisy is quite stunning, not to mention the fact that it’s just plain cruel to describe any group of people as “the same chairsniffers who buy used women’s underwear off ebay.” That includes, incidentally, people who sniff chairs or buy used underwear off ebay – if it’s all consensual and they enjoy it, what’s your fucking problem?
Gents: please don’t listen to, or put up with this shit. You don’t need this any more than women need to be told that we don’t really enjoy sex, or that you’re only after one thing. It’s sex-shaming of the most pathetic kind – condemning people who do something fun just because you can’t see the attraction in it.
I love male sex toys
To answer the original question about a male masturbator that Jezebel posed: “what kind of a lonely fuck would use one of those?” The answer is: me. And quite a few of my friends.
Sadly I don’t have a penis, so I bought one (OK, two) to use on a boy. And, I cannot stress this enough: it was amazing. I cannot speak to how it felt, although despite him being a man of few words it was surprising how often he used the word “awesome.” I can speak to the effect on me, though – it was like giving a hand-job with superpowers. The model we chose had a small hole in the end, which meant that when he came a jet of turbo-charged spunk shot directly out of it and all over my t-shirt. He apologised, which was obviously ridiculous because what had just happened was one of the best things ever. He enjoyed it so much that he used it later on his own. A lot. And ended up fucking right through the end of it.
Listen: they’re not for everyone. Some guys might hate them, just as some girls prefer manual masturbation to using a vibrator, or other wanking accessory. Some people genuinely don’t want to wank at all. But the bottom line is: just as it would be inappropriate of you to wank while hiding in your neighbour’s wardrobe, so it’s totally inappropriate for a stranger to stick their opinion into your masturbatory habits like it’s somehow any of their business.
To celebrate those excellent wanks with sheaths, masturbators, and other shiny penis toys, I asked Twitter, and some sex toy companies, to recommend a couple of their best ones. If you fancy trying it, pick one of the things below, tear open the package eagerly when it arrives, and have yourself a deeply enjoyable wank. For bonus points, please yell “Fuck off, Jezebel” at the point of climax.
Best male sex toys
This company sponsors my site in the UK, use code GOTN20 to get 20% off these!
SheVibe (US/Canada etc)
Tenga masturbation sleeves are amazing. Also beautiful, and cooly abstract-lookin’. I like this spiral one.
And… well, here’s a page with a whole heap of different masturbators.
Use code GIRLONTHENET to get 10% off any of these.
If you want something with more power, check out the HotOctopuss PULSE – it sends pulsing vibrations through your dick.
Buy it in the UK or US via my affiliate link so I can get money to help keep this site running.
- Head Honcho – “Tight and stretchy with unique textures”
- Pulse – “A male stimulator that uses oscillations, and can also be used in couple play” – this looks quite unique.
From Simply Pleasure
These are affiliate links, so if you use any of these I get a small cut of the cash to help me keep this site running. Use SIMPLY20 for 20% off anything on their site.
- Tenga Egg Super-cheap (less than £6) so a great way to start if you’ve never used one of these before.
- FleshJack Ice Mouth Looks like a mouth, fucks like something even better than that. Also is see-through so you can watch yourself twitching while you spunk so it gets double thumbs-up from me.
- Fleshlight Go Torque travel Same as above in that it’s see-through, plus it’s slightly smaller than the average Fleshlight so great for travel.
Got any recommendations of your own? Please add them in the comments below! Links will get caught in the pre-mod filter so might not appear straight away but I’ll approve them as quickly as I can.