The evolutionary mystery of the male orgasm

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

What, dear friends, is the point of the male orgasm? That moment when spunk shoots out the end of someone’s cock is surely a thing that could happen without pleasure? Could evolution not have given penis-havers a simple urge to ejaculate that was not in any way based on physical sensations of joy?

You’re hungry, and hunger feels bad, so you need to eat. Ergo why is it not the case that you’re just scrotally full, so you need to empty?

Scientists need to study this: the mystery of the male orgasm.

Why not, right? I mean, they’ve spent a FUCK OF A LOT OF TIME studying why on Earth I need to get pleasure from the act of coitus. Surely it’s only fair that they spend an equal amount of time stroking their chins and pondering why evolution provides the male orgasm.

I am sick and fucking tired of hearing about the ‘mystery’ of the female orgasm. Hearing things like this:

“An eye is for seeing, a nose is for smelling. Many aspects of the human body have obvious purposes. But some defy easy explanation. For biologists, few phenomena are as mysterious as the female orgasm.”

Because surely by that logic, the pleasure felt by a dick when it squirts jizz into someone is equally ‘mysterious’.

“BUT OH,” some argumentative shits will say “THE THING WITH A DICK,” they will continue, as if they are imparting information that is new and not a cloud of tedious fartgas that we’ve heard many times before “IS THAT IT MUST BE INCENTIVISED TO SQUIRT ITS JIZZ. TO SPREAD ITS SEED.” They might pause for a while to huff in the scent of their own self-importance before concluding with the zinger: “IF THE HUMAN RACE IS TO CONTINUE, MEN MUST WANT TO HAVE SEX.”

And so male pleasure is vital to sex. It’s vital to conception. It’s vital to the continuation of the species.

Female pleasure is unimportant. Wait, no. It’s not just unimportant – it’s a GENUINE, BONA-FIDE MYSTERY. Evolution gave us this magical bonus but by golly we’ve no idea why.

Because technically – TECHNICALLY – women can still get pregnant even if they don’t enjoy sex.

Well, sure. But technically – TECHNICALLY – I can still eat even if I’m not hungry. Technically. Let’s face it, though: if I’m not that hungry, I’m not going to chow down on this box of twelve fucking Krispy Kremes, am I? If there were some kind of mechanism that made me quim my knickers and yell “OH GOD DON’T STOP PLEASE NEVER STOP” if I ate the doughnuts, then perhaps I would eat more fucking doughnuts.

So yeah: maybe guys need a boner to have sex. And maybe I could have sex even if I weren’t aroused at all. But fuck me, I’m more likely to if there’s something in it for me, right? And with this research, like similar things that have gone before, women smile and write articles which hint that we know the reason, and we politely refrain from doing what we should have done when the first ever scientist asked this question: laugh in their face and then twat them with a giant dildo.

And sure, the latest research is mainly about hormonal surges, and spontaneous ovulation. They’re saying they’ve realised that although ‘pointless’ now, the female orgasm was once useful as a means to tell female bodies to ovulate.

But really – SERIOUSLY THOUGH KIDS – why are we not even slightly factoring in the idea that female pleasure might just possibly constitute a teeny weeny incentive for more sex to happen?

The female orgasm is exactly as mysterious as the male orgasm, in that it isn’t. The mystery, really, is why for so many years we’ve blithely accepted people taking as read the idea that women don’t enjoy sex. The mystery is that we’ve swallowed the lie of female orgasm as a ‘bonus.’ Tacked on to the end, if we’re lucky, but ultimately not a core part of any sexual act.

The REAL mystery is that when someone asks ‘what’s the point of the female orgasm?’ we haven’t risen up, en masse, and screamed “ISN’T IT OBVIOUS, YOU GLISTENING BELLEND?” before kicking them off a narrow bridge and into a puddle of shit.

If we’re happy to accept that his sexual satisfaction is evolutionarily directed, why the living fuck can’t we assume the same is true of me?

The female orgasm is only ‘mysterious’ if you don’t think female pleasure is important. It’s only ‘mysterious’ if society has, for centuries, peddled the lie that female desire and – hold on to your hats – female consent is not a vital component in conception.

My orgasm is only mysterious if you think my pleasure doesn’t matter. If you think my fucking consent is irrelevant.

This post, like the entire ‘female/male orgasm mystery’ debate is naturally very biology-centric and makes a whole bunch of false generalisations (there are only two genders, gender and sex are the same, reproductive sex is the only valuable kind of sex for humans, etc etc etc). Sorry: it sucks and is yet another reason why I hate these questions. 

20 Comments

  • fan says:

    I read the article too! Good concluding point!

  • > if I’m not that hungry, I’m not going to chow down on this box of twelve fucking Krispy Kremes, am I?

    You and I are very different people.

  • Steev says:

    I don’t understand what’s so offensive about biologists studying the evolutionary origins of the female orgasm. Why should this topic be taboo? Evolution doesn’t care about sex and gender politics. The study of female sexuality is something that has historically been neglected in favour of the study of male sexuality, so shouldn’t we be happy about research like this?

    • Girl on the net says:

      It’s clearly not about the *fact* that there is research, it’s about the questions that are being asked, and the way it is framed.

      • Tom Striker says:

        Well, I notice that I don’t care about any of this intellectual stuff after I’ve had a wank. You?

      • Steev says:

        The question being asked is simply “why did the female orgasm evolve?” To incentivise sex makes intuitive sense to me, but biologists seem to think there’s a lot more to it. This is their area of expertise, so I’ll defer to them. As for the framing, I can’t disagree. The press is terrible when it comes to reporting science stories.

    • Azkyroth says:

      I don’t understand what’s so offensive about biologists studying the evolutionary origins of the female orgasm. Why should this topic be taboo?

      It isn’t.

      And you know it.

      The fact that evo-phrenologists drag out this strawman every time someone questions one of their specific ass-pulled claims has served its purpose as a dead giveaway and become a tedious cliche. Find a new way to express your non-seriousness, please.

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    Why *do* women come? It’s just one of those ancient Women’s Mysteries, like what goes on in the ladies’ bathroom, and how tampons work. The world may never know.

    • anonface says:

      We mean the purpose of the female orgasm in the same lesson where they teach us how to wrap a towel around our heads.

  • Tequila says:

    Quite simple we all start the same gender in the womb, both foetuses have same potential to become male and therefore need for orgasm and ejaculation. As females don’t develop huge obvious sexual top then orgasm becomes more mysterious when both most common male and female orgasm stem from the equivalent spot, the clit and the little triangle bit under the head of the penis. I love finger my clit bit and having a female orgasm

  • Asrai Devin says:

    The way the frame it makes it seem like it’s not that important to Sex if the woman enjoy herself. It’s okay not to come, but the male orgasm is treated like the goal of sex. Whereas the female is just there, the receptacle for the man, like the clitoris, just an accident of nature and not that important.

  • techreader says:

    There are a vast number of biological processes whose origin and purpose are “shrouded in mystery”. That’s because evolution is an ENTIRELY RANDOM process; what works, survives, and what doesn’t work becomes extinct.

    Every “explanation” of biological processes is based on supposition, because WE DON’T KNOW how we got to be that way. Nobody designed us; like Topsy, we “just growed that way”. We can come up with rationalizations, but let’s not mistake our rationalizations with reasons. These aren’t the same.

    Why a female orgasm? The rationalizations proposed here work as well as any others. Or perhaps because humans stand erect rather than running on all fours, the “purpose” is that women who have a good orgasm are more likely to remain horizontal for long enough for conception to occur, while our extinct cousins would screw and run, and the semen would “reflow” too quickly.

    Or perhaps the religious folks are correct, and that both male and female orgasms are proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy. It’s not the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.

    • smooge says:

      Evolution is absolutely not an “entirely random” process. Evolution occurs by several mechanisms, the most important of which, natural selection, is not at all random. Quite to the contrary, natural selection occurs when certain traits increase survival/reproduction in individuals that possess them, so these traits increase in frequency within the gene pool. Many aspects and mechanisms of evolution are random, but natural selection is quite the opposite of random.

  • “The orgasm is to women, she believes, as nipples are to men.” What a crock of shit. I’ll have to google Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd.

  • The quiet one says:

    Mutual feelings of awesomeness bond us together and make us want more awesome feelings, maybe the mutual orgasm created the family unit which increases the chance of a kid surviving the saber tooth tiger because both mum and dad are about to protect it. Feeling awesome the whole time obviously.

  • Aj says:

    It’s not at all obvious that all female mammals orgasm. I always liked that pigs definitely do, and are far more likely to conceive when they do. That means you can get a job as a pig masturbator to give sows orgasms while you’re artificially inseminating them. This is not something most other livestock requires. Outside of mammals, considering the shape of the drake’s penis, it’s hard to imagine the female duck enjoys that so much. In that context, the question of humans isn’t so outrageous, and how science reporting is done and framed is not necessarily how the research is done.

  • anonface says:

    THANK YOU

    maybe we can also put “does the g spot exist” to bed now.

  • Dundalk matador says:

    Sex whilst ill…

    I don’t mean anything serious…just running a slight temperature.

    Cunt is hot…hotter than usual…sublime to enter.

    Cock is like a warm rod entering.

    Worth reflecting on

  • SweetTheSting says:

    Brilliant post!

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