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On Femfresh, Freshballs, Fellaswipes and scented tampons

Gentlemen, start your engines, because it’s your turn now. Pull down your trousers, hold your dicks aloft, and start wiping them with special cock-cleansing wipes.

That’s right – worry no more. Having ridiculous expectations about your body is now no longer confined to women. And in case you were wondering, there’s also a product for your balls.

Femfresh social media fail

Last week I wrote about Femfresh – that delightful ‘feminine hygiene’ product that purported to ‘woo hoo your froo froo’ with ‘PH-balanced’ wipes, cleansers and sprays. Lovely.

Since then they’ve had something of a PR nightmare, as the Femfresh facebook page has suffered an onslaught of mockery dished out by a human race which, thanks to this, I now have a lot more faith in. Ladies and gentlemen of facebook: I salute you.

If they’ve taken it down, the Wallblog has screenshots.

What’s the point of shouting?

I feel a bit sorry for Femfresh now – yes, they’re peddling a hatefully unnecessary product. But then, so are Tampax – they sell scented tampons. So are Vagisil and Carefree. And yes, so are Freshballs and Fellaswipes.

While it’s great that one of these companies has taken a bit of a battering over a product that is designed to make us feel shameful about the natural genital smells humans produce, the reporting has been a bit confused on the issue.

The lead story (on blogs like The Wall and HuffPo) has been ‘Women start a backlash because a marketing company called their fanny a ‘la-la.” And that’s not strictly the case.

Firstly, it’s not just women. Men are offended by this shit as well – and why wouldn’t they be? Men no more call it a ‘la-la’ than they’d call their dick a ‘dinkle.’ Just because the childish words used in Femfresh’s campaign are about vaginas, that doesn’t mean that you need to have a vagina to recognise how ridiculous the campaign is. There were plenty of men on their facebook page too.

Secondly, people aren’t just angry because a company referred to vaginas as ‘la-la’s. Or ‘nooni’s or ‘kitty’s, for that matter. This language is offensive and patronising, sure, but most of the comments on the page seem to be surrounding the product itself. The misery of discovering that there was yet another thing we were expected to do to our bodies to sanitize them and prettify them before we’d be allowed out in society.

The bright side of Femfresh

I am disgusted by these products – vaginal sprays, dick wipes, scented tampons – and I am disgusted that we live in a world where people are paid to persuade us that they’re necessary.

But I’m actually pretty happy that this happened. We could have watched the next few weeks go by, occasionally making angry comments about the ads plastered on phone boxes or facebook updates about being ‘proud of your pom-pom’, but we didn’t. A huge bunch of people stepped in and gave what Femfresh – in their characteristically euphemistic way – calls ‘feedback.’ They started a massive, angry, stamping kickoff, and told them that we don’t need their bullshit.

So whether you’re male or female, the next time you see an ad or a website for ‘intimate hygiene products’ that tries to persuade you your body is disgusting and unnatural, remember that you’re fine as you are. Not only do you not stink, but the people who think you do just got utterly owned on facebook.

God bless the internet.


  • bambilish says:

    Avon do a femfresh style product too – very disappointing as they do ‘campaigns’ about the strength of women etc.

  • Vainglory says:

    The tagline for Femfresh? The eye-rollingly demure: “Expert care for down there.”

    But motherfuckin’ Fellas wipes, bro? “Look after your MANanotmy.”

    The website declares: Manatomy – A modern word to describe a man’s intimate parts.

    I don’t understand the hulking out of words to describe simple things. I, apparently, do not “trim my pubic hair because I think the effect is flattering to my penis and if someone is down there performing various essential services, I’d like to be able to see her pretty face without parting a goddamned thicket.” I am MANscaping.

  • Totally anonymous username says:

    The page has just been taken down, I think. They had posted to say that they were advised by ‘various advertising bodies’ not to say vagina because it might offend people. Shame nobody told them that their whole damn product would offend people.

  • And so the people have spoken. No more fou fou on Facebook. Good lord. I know they are just trying to sell stuff and make some money but quite frankly, a feminine wash essentially an answer to a question nobody asked.
    And as for the actual science. My nurse at my favourite London clap clinic* (highly recommended by the way – great place with fabulous service) told me not to wash my cunt with anything but water. Apparently it’s ‘self-cleaning’. Oh the wonders of nature!


  • Henry Davidson says:

    I have just found this on your website. How mad! For me, the cunt is the thing that smells and tastes best in the world. And, for the girls I know, they all kindly say my cock smells and tastes good. I am old enough to remember when vaginal deodorants first appeared (tooooooo long ago) and Private Eye took the piss out of them by a spoof advert for a product “Rearguard – you know anal freshness makes sense”. (Come to think of it, a girl’s arsehole is almost as good as a cunt … but not quite as good.)

  • Chris 007 says:

    Found this page after typing in “who the fuck buys fellas wipes” after seeing the guy on dragons den, it just blows my mind that a “MAN” could consider a product like this even NECESSARY, to flog his gaff to set up shop producing the things … I wondered if perhaps I was just a minger, I mean I’ve been dating women for many years, and of course, managed just fine without these cock wipes – even so, just for a moment I wondered if I *should* be considering the need for such a product.

    So, when I was a teenager and fancied spontaneous sex on a moments notice, perhaps several hours into a date .. I can see that a quick freshen up could be beneficial. Err.. actually, what would I have done, told my date to hang fire whilst I scrubbed my balls with a wipe?! I mean REALLY? And if a woman were to get one out before we got it on … I’m just sure I’d be put off instantly, what kind of clean freak does that?? Seriously I am all for personal hygeine but nah, this is total BS.

    The guy says his girlfriend used something like this and he appreciated the fact she was always clean. What a bleeding weirdo, the pair of them, lol, I think of myself as a normal adult, and if the pair of us want to get intimate and feel dirty we’ll get clean – BY GETTING A SHOWER – beforehand. If we’re feeling spontaneous we’ll get the f*ck on with it, I mean hell, its never more than 12 hours since we last showered anyway.

    I just can’t put into straightforward words exactly how much this p*sses me off, these paragraphs simply don’t come close to saying what I want to. Thank the lord I ain’t the only one!!!!

  • Lala says:

    Another male personal care product is called ToppCock. I wonder where they get these hilarious names!

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