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On foreplay

I’m a freakish weirdo when it comes to foreplay, I think. I’ve spoken before about how I don’t really like getting head. A good fingering is nice every now and again, but I’m a bit impatient. Just as I’m the first in the pub at 5 pm on Friday, itching to start the weekend, when the chance for a shag comes around I’m the one speeding things up in anticipation of what I see as the ‘main’ event, pulling down my knickers and mumbling “just put it in me – now – please.”

But recently I spoke to the rather lovely @EasilyTempted on Twitter, who talked so lovingly about foreplay (or rather – those myriad aspects of sex that don’t involve putting a dick into a vagina) that it might have tempted me to spend a bit more time doing it.

Here’s what she said:

EasilyTempted – on foreplay

This week my husband and I had a beautiful and lengthy 69. I came on his face, more than once, and he came in my mouth. And then I fucked about on Twitter, while he cooked me scrambled eggs. Possibly a perfect evening.


‘Officially’ we didn’t have even have sex. It got me thinking about the word ‘foreplay’ and how misleading and flawed it is as a concept. Foreplay traditionally describes something which is the precursor to sex. But what is sex?

Personally I think of sex in terms of sexual satisfaction with a partner (or partners ~ I’ve read this blog). In this model I would see it as something that involves an orgasm. But what if you can be sexually satisfied without an orgasm? (I have heard such people exist). And do both people have to have an orgasm or just one?

I have no answers.

Given access to each other, my husband and I probably have sex around five times a week and we have been fucking for 12 years. This adds up to a fair amount of sex. But actual penetration – classic penis in vagina stuff – plenty of what we do involves or concludes that way and a great deal doesn’t.

I don’t orgasm from penetration alone, so perhaps that is why fucking is an element of my sex life but not the focus. My husband is also not interested in isolated penetration – if we have limited time he will almost certainly choose abstinence over a simple fuck. So in that sense foreplay is everything to us, which is why I don’t like the implications that it is ‘just’ the starter.

We are both oral-centric. Kissing, licking, sucking – we live in a grown up sexy lollipop shop.

If he kisses and bites me all over for so long that when he puts his fingers on my clitoris I come immediately, is that foreplay?

If I fuck him with my strap-on, is that foreplay?

If he straps me down, spanks me, and fucks my arse with a dildo, is that foreplay?

These are all things we have done this week, and yet we only had penetrative sex once. Include the 69 and that is only one in four.

Blowjobs seem to be in the middle of the Venn Sex Diagram for a lot of people. You have penetration on one side and foreplay on the other but for a lot of people a blowjob means both – this is all down to Bill Clinton, everyone had that discussion.

But somehow, the feminist in me rails against the idea that if just the man has an orgasm it’s sex but if just the woman has an orgasm it is foreplay. Because this would mean the male orgasm trumps the female.

What I don’t like about the expression is that it gives virgins, new lovers, or even bad lovers the idea that anything before the penetration is merely a waiting room for the main event.

There is a lot more to sex than in and out.

If you don’t already follow @EasilyTempted, you definitely should. She also has an incredibly sexy Tumblr where she collects pictures of people doing the good stuff.


  • Chaz says:

    In my view, “sex” has to be more than just penis-in-vagina intercourse, otherwise gay people would never have sex.

    I suppose everyone has their own definition, and you would have to ask everyone individually what, in their opinion, constitutes “sex”. It all comes down to your own interpretation. Bill Clinton clearly didn’t consider a blowjob to be “sex”. I beg to differ. If a guy has his dick in my mouth, or his mouth on my cunt, then we’re having sex. Oral sex. The clue’s in the name.

    Fingering may not count as sex for every woman, but I’d be interested to hear lesbians’ opinions on that. I can’t speak for them. I would call it “foreplay”, but that’s my opinion and ONLY my opinion. And does calling it “foreplay” exclude it from being “sex” anyway? Isn’t it all part of the same wonderful package?

  • Liza says:

    I completely agree. I know I write a lot about the in-and-out, but we have a lot of sex that never leads to orgasm. Or doesn’t lead to his, since he’s slow to come. A rushed fuck in our house does nothing for either of us, but a short little interlude of fingering before bed? That makes us both happy. Pleasure and intimacy are what matter most for us.

  • Totally anonymous username says:

    I don’t really go in for calling it foreplay. If there’s the potential and intent for someone to come, it’s fucking, even if only one (or neither, or none) of the people involved actually comes. I do tend to be somewhat impatient with the stuff that doesn’t involve a cock in a hole, if there’s one available, though, but that’s just my physiology, really.

  • Kirahvi says:

    I have to remind you, though, of a blog post of your own.

    That sounds pretty damn foreplay-y to me. :)


  • Richard says:

    I agree with Chaz. As Dan Savage often notes: Try telling a roomful of lesbians that cunnilingus isn’t “sex”, and see how that goes for you.

  • Girl on the net says:

    Hey, Richard and Chaz – I agree that yes, that is of course sex. But it’s a bit more complicated than that – no? If we’re talking straight sex, there are a lot of people who would not class getting head as ‘full sex’ at all. I think the very fact that you use that example demonstrates a distinction people tend to draw between sex in a couple where neither of them has a penis, and sex within a couple where one or both of the parties do. But I might be wrong on this, either way I think my general view on the whole ‘what actually counts as sex?’ question is that if you feel like you’ve been fucked – you’ve been fucked. There’s a guy who I’ve never had ‘cock in cunt’ sex with before but who beats me so violently and fucks me so hard in the mouth that it makes my head spin – I feel thoroughly fucked afterwards, so in my mind, I’ve fucked him.

    Kirahvi – touche =) Although I probably wouldn’t count that as foreplay, which probably just highlights my inability to make clear distinctions.

  • Ralph says:

    I don’t know about most of you but if you cannot enjoy making out with your girlfriend or spouse or female companion then you have a serious problem. It is not all about the fucking. Sex is an all consuming ordeal. We should enjoy cunnilingus & fellatio, fingering, licking, sucking whatever it entails. Making love includes all of these and most of all we must be pleasing to each other. We cannot and must not always think it has to end with fucking to be considered having sex. I enjoy eating my wife’s pussy out just as much as fucking her. It is all about how we view sex with each other. I enjoy all the intimacy with my spouse without fucking.

    • Girl on the net says:

      That’s great for you, and I wish you well. But we don’t all have to enjoy all aspects of sex equally. If you can eat everything at the buffet with the same enthusiasm, then great. But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy all foods equally too. I just don’t like getting head that much, which is fine. Some people prefer it, which is fine. Vive la difference, as they say.

  • angel says:

    Well, honestly this is my first time Ever Commenting, or reading into Anything like this, I’m thankful for this article. I have been troubled, wondering weather or Not I’ve been lying to myself about my sexual preference . I FIND MYSELF, getting Very aroused when watching Porn movies where the
    “Naughty Young Girl Is Punished. ”
    Young innocent girls is pushed to Duck an Older man, I don’t know if I find it hotter cause of her body and innocence.
    Or if it’s his dominance, that’s exciting to me? I want to know and try so many things, however, I am living the life of a “Cinderella “!
    If you have any ways at all to help me or suggestions, please let me know. Not to good with computers but I’m trying.
    Thankful –

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