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On food and sex

Do you want to lick melted chocolate off my nipples? How about squirting whipped cream all over your cock and letting me noisily slurp it off? Are you willing to drizzle nacho cheese into the crack of my arse then fuck me to a sticky, cheesy completion?


Then you’re probably my kind of guy.

Food in sex is bloody weird. I think my general hatred of it stems from a rather naïve 16 year-old experience in which my boy bought some sort of ‘penis knickerbockerglory kit’ from Ann Summers, covered his cock in cream and chocolate sauce, and completed the fiasco with (I’m not making this up) brightly-coloured hundreds and thousands. He then insisted that I lick off this sticky, sickly mess until I felt so ill I’d rather have spent the afternoon bent over the toilet bowl than the side of the bed.

If you want a blow job, the best way to get one is to unzip your trousers and tell me to give you a blow job. You don’t need to cover it in fucking chocolate – I’m not a reluctant 12 year old, and your cock is not a brussels sprout that you’re forcing me to eat at Christmas. I like sucking your cock, that’s why I’m here.

And conversely, if you don’t want to lick my cunt, then don’t. If you don’t like the taste of it, I’d strongly advise you not to put your face there at all. Smearing it in toothpaste or custard or raspberry jam is just going to make a mess of the bedsheets, and mean you’re concentrating more on cleaning me up than on tonguing my clit until I squeal like a strangled cat.

I like sex more than sweeties

Some people might love the food thing, and if you do then good on you. Someone’s got to keep Ann Summers afloat, after all.

But flavoured/scented/sweet-smelling stuff leaves me cold. Getting messy is fun – ask any splosh fetishist – but the need to make sex taste and smell like dessert removes one of the things that I love most about fucking. The smell of your cock. The smell of your sweat. The beautiful, musky, angry scent of boys.

It’s not just food – flavoured condoms, scented lube and edible underwear can shit off as well.  These things make sex unsexy, and fit better behind the counter at Greggs than in my bedroom.

Chocolate, whipped cream, flavoured lube, strawberries, toffee sauce, ice cream, condoms that taste like bananas – they can all fuck off back to the lollipop-scented candifloss-coated shitfuck sweetshop nightmare that they came from. I want your dick to taste like dick.


  • Chris says:

    Lovely to hear a real woman telling it straight. Sex should smell and taste of sex. So agree

  • Nathan says:

    After one accident featuring a can of squirty cream, I’ll never go there again. Put it this way, the compressed air being sprayed down your japs eye is one of the single most unpleasant things to ever have happened to me.

  • Chaz says:

    I’ve never had food sex and it’s not on my “To Do” list. If a bf (or fb) was determined to cover me in whipped cream and lick it off, I suppose I’d let him, because it’s harmless, but I’m not going to be the one to suggest it. I’d be far too concerned about stickying up the sheets we (or I) were going to sleep in once the fun was over and for all the wrong reasons. If I’m going to sleep in a damp patch, I want it to be cum and sweat, not chocolate syrup or honey.

    I tried a strawberry-flavoured condom many years ago with a new partner, as I had my “Safety First” head on. Needless to say, I soon removed the condom and risked catching something from a strange cock, as it tasted so much better than faux strawberry latex. I’ve never used a flavoured condom since, nor will I, as they are truly vile.

    I’m a big fan of both food and sex, but I don’t feel the need to recreate the fridge scene from “9 1/2 Weeks” anytime soon. If dessert’s on the menu, I’d prefer it was me ;-)

  • littlepurplegoth says:

    Food and *then* sex… Yes. Call me old fashioned, but sometimes it’s just what is needed to ramp up the anticipation…

    Sex and then food? Oh Yes! I can’t be the only person left ravenous after all that exercise? Or who can take a morsel in bed as an amuse-gueule or entreé?

  • girlonthenet says:

    @Nathan – that made me wince, and I don’t even *have* a jap’s eye. Ouch. Incidentally, the term jap’s eye sounds like it is probably a bit racist. What else can one call the male urethral hole? I am struggling to think of an alternative.

    @littlepurplegoth – food after sex: definitely. Before? Not so keen on that. It delays the sex, and is therefore Bad.

    @Chaz – eugh. Strawberry-flavoured condom. To be fair, I’ve been known to use them when I have no unflavoured ones left (I have a friend who works for a sex health charity who keeps me in a supply of random types and flavours) but strawberry is a pretty unsexy smell at the best of times. I reckon in this situation I’d probably just have shagged the guy – at least if you’re sexing the smell is further from your actual nostrils.

    • John says:

      @Nathan and @GOTN: Alternative is “hog’s eye” / “chap’s eye” (playground conditions) or “urethral meatus” (laboratory conditions)

      • Nathan says:

        Ahh, thank you. I agree with GOTN, the term does sound rather racist, but I simply couldn’t think of another term beyond ‘urethra’ to use, I shall try to use these terms from now on!

    • Totally anonymous username says:

      I have some strawberry lube which is fairly mildly flavoured and thus quite okay. I don’t really like using it because, like you, I want bodies to taste of themselves. But sometimes it’s fun to have slippery hands/tits involved in a blowjob, and so far this is the least invasive-tasting thing I’ve found.

  • TheComedian says:

    This is so effortlessly accurate that it seems to beg the question, who was chocolate body paint and the like actually invented for?
    Who was the first person that balked at the taste of their partner’s genitals to such an extent that they asked, “why isn’t there a product on the market to help with this?”
    Maybe they did improvise at first with whipped cream, but the issue of taste would generally strike me as a personal hygiene concern, and one to which the addition of dairy products would only compound.
    One word; curdling.

    Obviously I’m being perverse, but yes this is the kind of thing that people can get caught up with from reading too many trash columns on spicing up one’s love life, and paying too much attention to the products on the market at Ann Summers et al.
    Frankly, sex is one of the only good things that doesn’t require any additional expense to improve, but you can’t make a business out of that, hence the propaganda.

    Also, I’d personally much rather fuck a woman that smelled like, you know, a female human.. not Strawberry Shortcake (even though she was fit).

    • Totally anonymous username says:

      I have thankfully never had a man offer to put foodstuffs on/in me in a sexy way, but they would get short shrift, especially as most of the usual suspects are full of sugar and thus a recipe for a bad attack of thrush in many women.

  • Bart says:

    Food before sex.. Only if it’s pineapple to sweeten the cum on the odd occasion is kinda cool. This does in fact make a nice change every now and then but bodies and their ‘juices’ should taste like such. Sometimes this is influenced by foodstuffs beforehand (24hrs ish), but so what, cock should taste like man! Food with.. Erghhh :(

  • AnotherGirl says:

    This is all that the food and sex subject makes me think of.

    • girlonthenet says:

      =D The best thing about this scene is it made me realise the boatloads of comedy that can be crammed into a single word:


  • Chaz says:

    Ooh, I hadn’t thought of that aspect. That’s definitely something I’ll keep in mind, should anyone ever suggest painting my genitals with chocolate spread. Thanks.

  • Horacio Beuchat says:

    Breeding research conducted by Syngenta in the Netherlands focusing on compounds known as glucosinolates found in Brussels sprouts has resulted in reduced bitterness and in improved health attributes. These improvements in reducing unpleasant taste through scientific breeding advances have been credited with spurring a “renaissance” and growth in production and consumption of Brussels sprouts hybrids.;

    With best thoughts

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