Just putting it out there: it is very cool and fun to date me. I promise. No, it’s not a total nightmare of reading posts about yourself and wondering whether you’ll get a good write-up, or listening to me bang on about butt plug brands until you’re entirely turned off butt plugs forever. It’s really cool and fun, and I am not in any way a total shambles.
1. I know how to make already-sexy situations even hotter
The guy we’re talking about in this post is technically my ‘support bubble’ – this lockdown, unlike the last one, allows for single adult households to ‘bubble’ together in order to look after each other’s mental health/bang each other sideways. When the rules for this lockdown were initially announced, I spent half a day feverishly messaging and emailing all my friends, working out what we could still do, what we couldn’t, and what would have to be relegated to Zoom.
This gentleman pointed out the ‘support bubble’ thing, and asking if I’d like to join one with him. My response was that if we didn’t technically agree to ‘bubble’ then every fuck we had during the month of November would probably count as a crime. And adding a frisson of illegality to things could only really make them sexier – like the tortured ‘we can’t/we mustn’t’ of two people contemplating a torrid affair, but without the downside of dubious ethics.
His response, very gamely, was:
Let’s do crimes.
2. I bring free cocktails
As a… shudder… online influencer, sometimes people give me free stuff. Often it’s sex toys and lube, but occasionally it’s something designed to bring joy to lockdown via the medium of delicious booze. Lately I’ve been broke so my cupboard has been bare: during pre-lockdown dates I entertained gentlemen with leftover spirits from the kitchen cupboards, decanted into plastic bottles to make the cheapest picnic booze around, or wine I found left over from long-ago parties. Now, though, I have taken a step up in the world thanks to the Manhattans Project. They’re a company which will post you out delicious cocktails that fit through your letterbox and get you very-poshly smashed.
So although dating me three months ago was a hit-and-miss affair where you’d likely only be rewarded with gin in the park for your trouble, my most recent date involved us taste-testing an exceptionally classy and delicious trio of cocktails: a House Manhattan, a Sidecar and a Banana Rum Old Fashioned. We took a brief break between Sidecar and Banana Rum for fucking, so the final drink was consumed in the post-shag afterglow: my personal favourite time for cocktails of any kind.
Note: when I first tweeted about the Manhattans Project (next batch of orders gets sent out on 9th December so get yours in before then), some very kind soul sent me a voucher for another cocktails-by-post company, which I shall subtly weave into a future blog post. But please do not take this to mean that if you own a booze company there’s a free-for-all on placement advertising. I absolutely do not intend to start a fun booze war by saying that any and everyone who offers booze-by-post should email me hellogirlonthenet [at] gmail [dot com] and offer me tasty alcohol in exchange for a plug on the blog.
3. I will be a massive nerd about your sex toys
Yes, obviously this is a very cool and fun thing about dating me. Because when you lay all your sex toys out on the bed, the key response you want (I imagine), is for the person you’re trying to entice into hot shenanigans to squeal ‘Oooh! That one’s by Godemiche! They sponsor my website!’ Because I am classy, I did not also add ‘and you can get 15% off any of their products by using the code GOTN15!’ but I confess it was very very tempting.
Somewhere between the second and third cocktail, we had a lovely solid fuck which ended in us sweaty and panting and exchanging congratulations on a job incredibly well done. Then when I went to get water and check my phone, I realised I had just received an email from Godemiche themselves, sorting out some invoice admin from earlier that day. This struck me as a delightful coincidence – that the company who made the thing we’d fucked with had emailed me at the exact moment we were fucking with it – so I told the guy in question, with the same breathless excitement I’d use if I were telling someone I once met a minor celebrity.
See? It’s incredibly fun to date me.
4. I will come to you
I have realised over the last few months that I have a preference for visiting other people rather than having them come to me: if you live within a satisfying cycling distance of my house, I will probably prefer to come to you. The reason? I can go home whenever I want. This is handy for a person who is both anxious and sleep-deprived, because I get to pick my own bedtime. No need to stay up late because I have a guest and it’s rude to say ‘OK, bedtime: fuck off home now’ – I can be the one who fucks off home! And then I get to sleep in my own bed, which is inherently superior to everyone else’s bed because it’s familiar. I also don’t need to worry that I snore, or that I’ll be up five or six times in the night to piss/get water/lament my current run of irritatingly-consistent insomnia.
The fact that I fuck off home at the stroke of midnight (or sometimes even earlier!) might be absolutely hideous from an intimacy perspective, because just as we’re settling in to the later part of the evening when snuggling on the sofa is possible, I leap up from my seat, don sweaty cycle clothes and a high-vis jacket and disappear into the night. But from a convenience perspective you really can’t beat it: if you’re dating me you can summon me directly to your door. Like a pizza.
5. I am accidentally aloof and I hear that is cool(?)
I’ll level with you: I’m appallingly bad at messaging. Although you see me on Twitter sometimes getting deeply invested in exciting debates about ejaculation-distance and jacket potatoes, most of the time I am very bad at responding to people’s messages. My friends know this, my family know this, and anyone I date will slowly learn this over the course of many weeks of brevity or silence, until eventually there comes a point where they have to prompt me with serious tones on the offchance I’ve actually ghosted them.
Wait. This one isn’t actually cool, is it? Now I think about it, none of these are cool, except for the cocktails and possibly the crimes. That gives me even more reason to big up the tasty cocktails, and urge booze companies again to please absolutely never send me more alcohol. hellogirlonthenet [at] gmail [dotcom]
I’ll end on one final point:
Everything is meta
Serious voice now: dating me, if you agree to let me write about you, means sometimes becoming content. It means some of our dates take on a very meta quality. It means when you take the first sip of that cocktail, I’ll insist on you having an opinion that I can share on the blog (for what it’s worth, his opinion was that the cocktails were delicious but he missed the theatre of having them mixed and shaken in a bar – I brought my cocktail shaker and shook them over ice with a twist of lemon to add drama, but I’m not a professional so it isn’t quite the same). What’s more, when we fuck, there’s a possibility that I’ll write about it later, which means a fuck is rarely just a fuck – it’ll always hold the tantalising possibility of content, especially if you do something cool like picking me up. It means if you are/were dating me and you aren’t this specific guy, you might be reading this post going ‘fuck’s sake, why did she bubble with him and not me?’ or ‘how come she had the time to write this but not reply to my messages?’
It’s really cool and fun to date me, but it’s never easy. It’s never just a date or a fuck or a giggle over cocktails and cocksucking: everything I do belongs a little bit to GOTN, and even though I love her I also hate her a little. She sublicences my experiences in a way that might seem fun when you’re reading about it, but can easily become weird and meta when you end up becoming part of it. This wasn’t the case when I first started the blog – I didn’t need to tell people about it, because the sex blog was just a fun side project, and I had plenty of other shit to say. These days I realise GOTN’s taken over my life, and there’s no one I’m messaging/dating/fucking/nurturing a massive crush on/still quite badly in love with who doesn’t know the web address where I store so much of my baggage. Who can open it at any point and see my broken mind exposed, in all its booze-soaked, anxious, horny clusterfuck glory.
It’s hard enough for me to navigate, let alone someone who isn’t used to it. When I first showed this guy a couple of posts about him, and asked if he was happy for me to go ahead and publish, the thing he said that stood out most was: “Wow. Your writing’s really… honest.”
See? It’s really fun to date me, guys.