Want to meet my parents?

Amazing Girl on the Net author illustration by Stuart F Taylor

One of the questions I get asked the most about being a sex blogger is ‘does your family know what you do?’ The answer is ‘yes’, although the extent of what they know depends on the family member, and how close I am to them. If we’re really close, like my Mum and I, then I won’t just tell them that I’m a blogger, I’ll also tell them about some of the things I’m excited about publishing, or the details of my working week (recently part of my job has consisted of watching and writing about this awesome FrolicMe film! I’ll get PAID for having done that! Pinch me!). Naturally this leads to curiosity, and that’s how I’ve ended up having some extremely frank conversations with my Mum and stepdad about kinks.

As I say, some members of my family know almost everything important about what I do, including my blog name, because I trust them not to Google it and read the posts I write about getting fucked in the ass or what have you. Some know broadly that I am a ‘sex blogger’, but not ‘Girl on the Net’, because I suspect they’d probably come looking and I’d prefer them not to see some of this stuff.

Others get the vague information that I’m ‘a writer’ but without being told exactly what I write about – I’ve told the story before about how one of my Grandads has been asking for ages if he can read anything I’ve written, and every time I’ve had to let him down gently and explain I’m very private about my work (Imagine my delight when, around Christmas last year, I realised there was something just fictional enough that I could send it to him! I cut out the swearwords and brief references to sex then sent him a printout of this story about hope, love, disappointment, and wormholes. He liked it, and I doubt he’s ever googled any key phrases to find out where it came from). Had it been up to me, I would never have told him I was a writer in the first place – other family members are easily put off when I say ‘copywriting’ then start boring on about SEO. That’s my go-to cover story, and it’s not technically a lie – I just tell ’em the tedious shit first ‘I write for the web, bits of consultancy for small businesses…’ so that by the time I get to ‘let me tell you about search engine optimisation…’ uncles and aunts and other distant relatives have already tuned out in favour of talking to my sister, whose work sounds far more interesting by comparison.

So. Some people in my family know what I do, others don’t, and some know a little. No one knows nearly as much as my Mum. The same won’t be true of all sex bloggers’ parents, naturally. I’m just extremely lucky that mine are welcoming enough that I don’t have to be shy about what I do.

The reason my Mum knows a lot about my work isn’t because she’s especially interested in the sex industry, but because she’s interested in me. She likes to know what I’m up to, and she repays every hint of trust or openness by being extremely welcoming and ready to hear whatever it is I have to say. It’s one of the reasons I am so baffled and saddened by ‘Am I The Asshole’ questions from parents which essentially seek to punish their children for honesty (‘My kid told me they wanted to go on birth control so I grounded them!’ or ‘My child told me their friends were drinking at a sleepover, so I have taken away their iPad’ or what have you). I’m no parenting expert, but it seems to me that’s the best way to ensure that your children never tell you what they’re up to.

The point of this is just to say that my Mum is amazing – supportive and open and willing to embrace all the weird things about me. My stepdad, too, is extremely encouraging, not to mention keen to learn of anything that will give him new material with which to construct terrible innuendoes, playful-yet-obscene poems, and many many many of his own jokes. The fact that my parents are both supportive of what I do gives me permission to be even weirder and more ‘me’ as time goes on. It also means that when we get together, we have a proper laugh.

Meet my parents

I haven’t talked much about my family on the blog before, for a whole host of reasons. Predominantly because I think some of them absolutely wouldn’t thank me for it, and partly because I already get far more search traffic than I’d like for incest terms (sorry searchers, I’m just not gonna write that, and if I tried I’d only disappoint you. Go to literotica instead, they sponsor me and they have loads) and I don’t want to encourage more.

But recently I asked my Mum if she might be up for an interview I could put on my Patreon. She’s given me plenty of great advice over the years, maybe she could share a bit with readers? Then we thought it’d be fun to get my stepdad involved too, he was extremely up for being a part of it, then I thought we could add a competitive element and…

Oh God it’s taken me ages to try and shape this into a blog post but I’ll just cut to the chase: I ran a sex quiz for my parents.

After a couple of drinks at the pub, and the traditional feast of chips and wine, I sat them down with a microphone and tested their knowledge on sex ed, kinks, porn, and a whole host of other stuff.

Hear the full cut of GOTN’s Parents’ Big Fucking Quiz Of The Year over on Patreon.

Both of them raved afterwards about how much fun it was, and thanked me for coming up with questions that they could get stuck into. But I think they’re giving me far too much credit here. This kind of fun is only possible because of the way they made me. Nature, nurture, education and support – I’d never be who I was without these lovely, weird, extremely funny people.

Now please comment below with your answers to my Mum’s important question: what’s the best song to hum with a dick in your mouth?



  • fuzzy says:

    song: Camptown Races….

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    Oh wow. That’s awesome to hear that your parents are so supportive. The quiz sounds fun, too – though even if your parents are totally cool, I find the idea of ‘talking about sex with my folks’ so cringeworthy that I’m not sure I can bring myself to listen to it. :)

  • Charlie says:

    Flight of the bumblebee.

  • Emilia Romero says:

    Not technically a song, but I reckon the Imperial March from Star Wars would be enjoyable and also add a little gravitas to the situation.

  • James in WI says:

    I can completely relate to everything you wrote. It’s wonderful how supportive your mom and stepdad have been.

    I can’t say that my parents would have been as great as yours. I think my mom would never sleep properly again, and she’d pray for me constantly. lol Hence, my parents never really knew what their kids were up to.

    As for a song to hum with a dick in mouth… How about the Beatles, Yellow Submarine. That, or The Blues Brothers, Peter Gunn.
    Yellow Submarine for the hilarity of it when coupled with a BJ. Peter Gunn for the covert mission like feel it inspires.

  • Megan Pierson says:

    if you’re happy and you know it :D

  • Paul says:

    This is so funny. I’d love to meet your family, they sound so fun – I can’t imagine my family ever doing this lmfao

  • Jul says:

    “Pomp and Circumstance” for the drawn-out notes. Daaaaaaaaaaaaa-da-da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaaa.

    I really cannot thank you enough for sharing this. It was incredibly charming, I giggled the whole time, your mum is so sweet and your stepdad is so damn funny. Makes me feel great to know that you’ve got such a fun, close, supportive family. It would be a terrible shame if you couldn’t share such a large part of your life with them.

  • Girl on the net says:

    Thank you all SO SO MUCH for your amazing song suggestions – I’m going to collate the ones I can find on Spotify into a playlist and send it to my Mum, who I suspect will have a right laugh listening to them! Thank you so much for your lovely comments too – I will pass them all on to the folks, who are delighted to know that you all find them funny. I told them they were funny but I’m not sure they believed me =)

  • Switchington Bear says:

    Sorry for the random comment, and it’s a little late as I’m just catching up, so hope you still read this but your mention of not being able to let your grandad read your book reminded me of what I should have replied to you with when you first mentioned it some time ago and I figure I may not get another suitable context to mention it again. So, tenuous or not:

    I have kind of the opposite problem in that my mum wrote a book about all the details of her life, her relationships and partners etc. and had it published (all anonymised) a few years ago. Before she died she said “please don’t ever read it”. This was more than five years ago and I have the book on my bookshelf but I’ve still never read it. However my partner has read it and basically said to me “yeah you really don’t want to read it”.
    To be honest I’m not sure whether I am not reading it because I don’t want to hear all my late mum’s sex secrets or because I would be really disappointed if I find out it is all much tamer than it has been made out to be.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oh wow that’s a dilemma and a half! To be honest, I’d go with whatever she asked for so I reckon you can put your mind at rest knowing you’re doing exactly what she wants i.e. not reading it! I don’t think I’d mind particularly knowing that people in my family had experiences like mine, but I do think that it’s often the level of detail that’ll really knock someone sideways. Like… my parents know that I use and promote sex toys, but it’s the explicit and detailed descriptions of such that I think is probably a bit much for a family member. One of the nice things about writing sex is that there’s (I hope!) never any pressure on people to read my stuff to be supportive – there are other ways to be supportive than reading all of someone’s work.

      Good for you respecting your Mum’s wishes, and I hope that you can be proud of your Mum for writing a book and get that happy glow even if you don’t ever open it and read the words!

  • Switchington Bear says:

    Thanks for the reply! I suspect it’s not so much particularly graphic or anything but more that she probably doesn’t want her offspring to find out quite how many partners she had, and especially how many while she was still with my dad!

    It’s been noted that I have inherited a lot of who I am from my mum, our personalities were very similar in many ways, even though she was wasn’t around much when I was growing up. So sometimes I wonder if reading it will help me understand more about myself and why I think the way I do. But I realise it’s pointless looking at it that way. Maybe I’ll read it one day but for now it can stay on the shelf!

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