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On turn-offs

It’s easy to get caught up in the good qualities – when arbitrarily judging a hot boy, I’d always prefer to focus on the things that make me want to tear his pants off than tear his face off. But someone asked me to write about the negative things and so – slavishly devoted to the whims of people off of Twitter – I thought I’d have a crack. Here are my top 5 turn-offs.

1. Preening

This manifests in a number of different physical forms. As a general rule I don’t like people who are too muscular, clean-cut or well-dressed. It’s not that a solid six-pack isn’t a lovely thing to behold, or that guys in suits aren’t jaw-droppingly sexy – they are – but if you look too preened it demonstrates a commitment to That Sort Of Thing that I just can’t hope to match.

Your muscles don’t make me think ‘oooh, he works out’, but ‘shit, he’ll expect me to work out.’

2. Narrow-mindedness

This includes the obvious (racists, homophobes) as well as the not-quite-so-obvious – people who’d laugh at a friend who confessed to a foot fetish, or make their partner feel guilty about a particularly spicy sexual past. Understandably I never end up fancying these people. If your instant reaction to something different or new is to either ban it, mock it, or kill it with sticks, then we’re probably not going to get on.

3. Excessive confidence

I don’t mean someone who is just confident in their actions and their looks – these people are super-hot. I mean someone so confident they aren’t interested in other people at all.

People who act like what comes out of your mouth is just a tedious compulsory interlude between the end of their last sentence and the beginning of their next. People who say “That’s nice, now about me…” People who actively yawn if you tell an anecdote that doesn’t involve them. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve fucked my fair share of them – but I’ve now resolved not to shag anyone who’s more likely to get hard looking into a mirror than at me.

4. Excessive shyness

Socially awkward nerds, unite – shyness is not necessarily a barrier to getting laid. There’s something deeply sexy about taking a guy who is nervous and awkward and coaxing him out of his shell until he’s tying my ankles to a bedpost and calling me ‘bitch’ when he fucks me. Shyness itself is not a turn-off.

However, if you are too shy it becomes a barrier beyond which it is impossible to see. It’s not that I don’t fancy guys who are excessively shy, it’s that I am unable to tell whether I fancy them or not. If you won’t speak to me, tell me about yourself, make a stupid joke or confess to an embarrassing story, I will never know whether you’re the sort of guy I want to ride off into the sunset.

5. Nagging/neediness

“But I really want to see you tonight.”

“I notice you haven’t replied to my last email.”

“Can’t you just stay with me this weekend?”

Cards on the table, here – I’m a cold-hearted cunt. If you act casual and treat me like an overly-sexual best friend, chances are we can stay together for as long as you decide it’s fun. But if you act as if I’m the solution to all your emotional needs I’ll grow bemused and then very quickly irritated.

I love it when you want me, but I cannot bear you to need me. The bottom line is that the puppy-dog keenness that might go down well with an actual girlfriend just fills me with guilt and – occasionally, though I shudder to admit it – disgust. By nagging me to see you, email you, love you, you fool me into thinking that these are things I didn’t want to do in the first place. You stop being a person that I want to spend time with and become a task to cross off my to-do list.

In conclusion

You might have noticed that (barring elements of the first item) this isn’t just an exhaustive list of physical characteristics, like a judgmental dating site profile. The reason is probably obvious to those of you who are regular readers. Although I have a definite physical ‘type’ when it comes to men (would that dangerously hot guy from My Chemical Romance please stand up) looks aren’t that high on my ‘do I want to fuck this dude?’ checklist. It’s nice if you’re pretty, fit might be a bonus, melty dark eyes are a tasty cherry on top, but ultimately the most important things about you are the things that I can’t see.

I don’t want a pretty fuck, I want a pretty good fuck, and you don’t get to be one of those just by going to the gym and waxing your chest hair.


  • Captain social says:

    4. Ah, 4 – my oldest nemesis.

    It’s not that I’m shy – I’ll work a room talking bollocks and making jokes with the best of ’em, but…

    I have such little self-confidence that I cannot possibly believe that anyone would be interested in me that way, and as such do not notice any signs, symptoms, moves or subtle hints short of writing down “I want to fuck you, you socially inept bastard” on a piece of paper and holding it up in front of me – and that rarely happens.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hmm… tricky one. Although the ‘I want to fuck you, you socially inept bastard’ trick has worked for me on previous occasions, it’s not ideal. One of the most frustrating things in life (and probably even more frustrating for me, as a submissive woman) is when a dude won’t ask. I know it’s hard, and I know it’s stressful, and I know the pain of putting yourself out there only to have someone go ‘oh wait, no, you’re actually the last thing I want to fuck’, but honestly? The only thing I can tell you is to get on with it.

      Yes, sometimes you’ll get turned down, and sometimes it will be horrible. But sometimes it won’t. And although you might never be able to shake off the fear of talking to someone you fancy, you certainly won’t get any worse if you have a bit of practice.

  • Lizzie says:

    I agree with most of these, though have to admit I can be a little closed minded when it comes to a man’s sexual persuasions. My view is 100% ‘to each their own’ but I’d be turned off by a foot fetish (I HATE feet so I fear we’d be incompatible.) I’d also be a tad wary of a guy with a very colourful sexual history (use of prostitutes, gangbangs, hundreds of women etc…) I’m a bit vanilla and not sure I could measure up/trust that he was ready to settle down!

  • L says:

    Which dangerously hot guy? The lead singer? Or the one furthest left? They’re both hot, but the one furthest left… I don’t have many words. It’s the eyes!

  • Totally anonymous username says:

    Of the three men I’ve been involved with long term, two have been way more well-groomed than me. One was a bit inclined to get pissy with me for looking scruffy (I do usually try to make an effort for dates and things, but it’s just not innate and requires actually remembering to do stuff, which, uh, I have ADD… Remembering to do stuff is not my strong point) and whined when I put on weight (due to a combination of really bad medication and disability-to-the-point-where-I-was-looking-into-wheelchair-options). He was generally quite moany, though.

    The current one? Not so much. He is pretty much always well turned out, with enviably shiny hair and neatly plucked eyebrows. As far as I can make out, while he appreciates me dressing up, and is very good at telling me when I look nice, when I turn up looking scruffy (or am ill and not much fun, or put on weight) he gives not one single fuck. (Beyond being a bit concerned if I’m ill, obv.)

    Come to think of it, the first of the three, the one who’s about as scruffy as I am, was quite critical of my scruffiness, too. But he’s pretty much just a bit of a dick.

    None of them have been gym bunnies, mind, I don’t find that sexy at all, except sometimes in the movies. But I do like a dapper gent.

  • Buddha says:

    I agree across the board…

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