Only very special people get to call me baby. If it’s not ironic the chances are it’ll fall as flat as someone calling me ‘twat.’ In fact, I could recite a list of offensive swearwords as long as my arm that I’d far prefer to be called than ‘baby.’ But which nicknames or pet names won’t have me running for the hills?
Nicknames can be pretty special – they’re codewords, a special background language to your fucking. But they can be really hit and miss. Some people would melt if you called them ‘sweetheart’, whereas others (no names mentioned but basically I’m talking about me) will vomit fountains of mocking bile if you so much as whisper the ‘s’-word.
In no particular order, here are some names.
Are you carrying a lute and a book of poetry? Are we in a war movie set in the early 20th century? Am I your long-suffering wife, with whom you’re trying to make peace after a particularly vicious row? No? Probably best not to call me ‘darling’ then.
AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. Not only does it make me feel teeny and small (which I’m very definitely not) it also makes me feel like I am living in The Wire, and Bodie might pop round any second to ravish me on a disused sofa.
It’s audibly feminine, and cute. Any feminine/diminutive foreign language is always going to sound cute coming from a partner. If you don’t like Spanish, there are any number of beautiful foreign words to choose from.
The main benefit of foreign words is that they’re usually free from annoying mental baggage. In short: you’ve never heard them being uttered by an irritating sitcom character during an awkward pre-sex chat-up scene.
Unique nicknames deserve a special mention. Ideally the name you pick should be one that refers to your partner’s good bits, and isn’t completely offensive. For that reason, ‘droopy tits’ probably doesn’t work. ‘Tits’ is probably quite a good one, but for crying out loud don’t take my word for it – I’m not representative of … well… anything.
Sexual names work for me, for obvious reasons. But be very aware of the context in which you’re using them. You can only call me a slut if I’m acting like one – if you call me a whore during gentle, slow, missionary-style fucking, chances are I’ll look around to see who you’re talking to.
On the other hand if you’ve got me bent over a desk with my knickers round my ankles, you’ve got your thumb in my ass and your cock in my cunt, ‘slut’ probably hits just the right spot.
Nothing short of tonguing my nipples gets me wet quicker than hearing you shout “woman! Get me a fucking beer!” To be honest, any order of this type will be quickly thrown out of the window unless accompanied by some sort of jokingly sexist, derogatory aside.
“Will you suck my cock?” Meh, OK.
“Wench, suck my cock.” Yes sir.