One of the most popular posts this year was the one on wank fantasies, which I wrote for Masturbation Month. That surprised me because it was mostly just me allowing my dirty mind to spill out a load of random snippets of porn. But seeing as people seemed to enjoy that, I’ve been prompted to do a similar thing this week – write some sexy Christmas fantasies, and in lieu of a Christmas gift guide, give you tips on sponsor products/websites that can help you to fulfil them. Pick your favourite fantasy, have a wank if you’re so inclined, then consider buying someone (or yourself) a Christmas gift or two from the recommendations that come with each story. These fabulous companies sponsor my website, so it’s thanks to them that I can keep churning out more filth for you all – if you’re happy to click through to their sites and support them in return, I really appreciate it.
Metal butt plug
Picture the scene: you’re huddled on the sofa with the person you love, having a ‘just the two of us’ Christmas. You’re both merry with festive cheer and surrounded by treats you’ve ransacked from your stocking. Tucking eagerly into some chocolate coins, your lover says to you “Come on then, what did you get me?”
You stand up from the sofa, turn away to show them your excellent bum, then look over your shoulder with a cheeky glint in your eye as you slide down your pyjama bottoms. You bend over slightly so the glimmer from the fairy lights catches on the metal of the butt plug you slipped in earlier before explaining: “I thought you could fuck me while I wear this.”
Doxy butt plugs – Code: GOTN15 for 15% off and free shipping. I cannot stress enough just how awesome these are. Satisfyingly weighty, not too big or too small, and with a long enough neck that I don’t spend half my time worrying they’re going to pop out. It’s worth getting both if you can afford them, not least because it means you and your partner can have a matching set. As far as sexy Christmas fantasies go, it’s romantic as fuck.
It’s Christmas Eve and you catch the eye of a stranger in the pub. You wouldn’t normally do this sort of thing, because you’re shy and bad at chatting people up. But this person has a cheeky smile that hints at confidence and a penchant for filth, so you go back to their place. You claw and grab at each other as you get in the door, realising you’ve barely said more than ten words to each other since you left the pub – you’ve been far too busy snogging. When you get to their place you end up fucking on the stairs – vigorous, quick, tearing into them with glee like they’re a tub of Celebrations. It’s Christmas, you deserve a treat, and you want to make sure that both of you come. Luckily, you have a gadget for that – you whip it out of your bag and hold it between your bodies, at the place where it’s rumble will have the greatest impact. You muffle your moans in their shoulder as you come, and pause only briefly before round two…
Sit on vibrator
You’ve taken the week off between Christmas and New Year, and for those blissful few days of calm you decide you’ll offer yourself to your lover – anything they want, they get. Anything. You anticipate they’ll want you to please them, but their tastes run to something far crueller: instead they are planning to tease you. To fuck with you. After two days of edging, by day three you’re squirming with a desperate need to be fucked, and it’s only when you beg for it that they reveal their next plan. They take a sit-on vibrator and place it on a chair, before grabbing you by the wrist and gently leading you to it. They turn it on, you sit down, the squirming begins.
“Nuh-uh,” they tell you, tutting. “You’re going to sit very very still for me, and if you move a muscle you’re getting a smack.” Your thighs tremble as the vibrations travel through your crotch – hot and throbbing with a desperate need to come. They restrain you to the chair with rope and belts and strict instructions not to move, but the tighter they tie you the harder your lust kicks in the pit of your stomach and the more it hurts not to move – not to come. You start to beg – please let me move, please let me come, oh fuck I really need to – but they shake their head. Instead, they step back to watch your tormented face as you feel the vibrations thrum through your cunt, teasing your clit in such a way that you know if you could just squirm a little you would make it. Then, spreading their legs, they straddle your trussed-up body and sit down – hard – onto your lap. Pressing the vibrator deeper into the folds of your cunt, gripping your shoulders with their hands, and finally giving you the relief you have longed for since you woke up bored on Boxing Day.
The Ruby Glow vibrator – Code: GOTN for £5 off. It’s fucking incredible, and ever since I have had one I’ve wanted to play out a scene like this. Unfortunately that counts as ‘topping from the bottom’, apparently, so some of you lot are going to have to try it on my behalf. Please do report back.
“Take a good look at these,” they tell you, showing off a selection of beautiful silicone cocks – sparkly, colourful, a range of sizes and textures. “Wear this while I fuck you, and guess which one I’m using.” If you guess right they’ll give you a treat: let you choose the next cock to get fucked with. If you guess wrong? Well… you’ll be punished. Maybe a light smack on the inside of your thigh, or perhaps something more: nipple clamps, biting deep and hard into your skin.
This should be easy, you think, until the first one slides in. It’s thick and firm, gloriously ridged. You can feel each bump and ripple as they slide it slowly – oh so fucking slowly – in and out of you. The sensation is familiar, but the pressure is on to get it right, and the problem is that the more they fuck you with it the more you get lost in the moment. Everything’s slippery with lube, and the sensation of being fucked is too hot for you to concentrate. It’s the one that looks like a screw, perhaps? Or just the one with straight ridges? But it feels so thick and hard, it could just be that huge one with prominent veins along the sides – causing that delicious ache as it glides in and out, in and out. Mesmerising, hypnotising you into an agony of indecision.
“The screw,” you tell them – eager to get your answer in before your brain shuts down completely. “Definitely the screw.”
“Well done,” they declare, and you glow with pride. They allow you to bask in it for two more glorious strokes – slowly in and out, in and out – before withdrawing the dildo that your aching body tries to clamp down on and keep, then picking up the next one for you to test…
Code: GOTN for 15% off. Take your pick of anything from the Godemiche site, to be honest, they make really beautiful, high-quality silicone treats – suitable for fulfilling almost any of your sexy Christmas fantasies.
It’s time. You’ve taken the photos and planned how you’ll send them, written a profile and imagined who might buy what you’re selling, but you haven’t yet swallowed your courage and done the deed. You want to, though, it’s all the pair of you have been talking about for the last two weeks. Not during the daytime, but at night – when you’re tucked up in bed together and whispering filthy fantasies in the dark. They want to show you off – to share you. And while it’s too nervewracking to do that one-on-one – finding strangers with kind eyes and busy hands to come fuck you while your partner watches – you’ve both locked on to a fun way to do this at a distance.
You’re going to sell your underwear.
Correction: your lover is going to sell your underwear. They held the camera while you posed for the photos, showing off your arse as you bent over in a carefully-chosen pair. Sexy underwear – the kind that makes you want to strut around without jeans. The kind you think a horny stranger might be willing to buy. Your lover gave you directions on how to stand, and spread, and show off – their instruction and direction and control being the whole point, after all. It’s about sharing – them sharing you, you being available for others to fantasise about and use. Your underwear, in the post, winging its way to a stranger – a stranger who will thank you for your generosity, before burying their face in the unique scent of your just-fucked crotch.
Your heart thumps in your chest and your lover looks at you for confirmation: do you want this? Are you ready for this? Can I share the aching hotness of you with a stranger who’s willing to pay? You want them to do it, so you nod.
And they click.
And it’s done.
Sofia Gray – No discount code for this one, because it’s a used underwear marketplace. Whoever you are, whatever your gender, a stranger probably wants to buy your pants (or sell you theirs). Of all the sexy Christmas fantasies I’ve written for this post, this is the one that’s causing me to pause my writing and pop off for a wank.
You’re driving home after visiting relatives, and you knew this would be a long journey. What your lover didn’t know was that you came prepared with something to entertain – or torture – them on the four-hour drive back home. Not for you two the Christmas mixtape with cheesy carols and covers of classic songs: you’ve prepared something special. Dirty stories, read aloud – a compilation of classics tailored to exactly the things you like to do together. Over the stereo, your voice, whispering all the things you’d like them to do to you when the journey ends. The positions in which you want them to fuck you when you get home. Some are your own words, some from other people – stories you’ve curated and compiled to create a stream of increasingly filthy tales. Sexy Christmas fantasies from your head, and mine, and the internet. As they listen to the sexy stories your voice whispers over the stereo, they squirm in their seat and itch to pull into a layby. But you don’t let them. You want them frustrated, eager, aching … until the second you walk in the door.
Maybe it’s you that’s tied down and tortured, or perhaps it’s your lover. Either way, one of you is restrained and blindfolded. In my opinion that’s the best role to take, but then I would say that because I’m submissive. If someone shows me handcuffs or ankle cuffs, I’m not thinking about who I’d restrain, only how the leather would feel, clasped taut against my skin. If I see a flogger I’m not imagining swinging it, I’m picturing the curve of someone else’s arm as they draw it back over their shoulder before bringing it down – smack – on the cold, eager flesh of my back. This sexy Christmas fantasy doesn’t require a story – it is the story. The beginning, middle and end are all restrained there – cuffs at wrists and ankles, blindfold to block out the light, flogger poised to flick gently, then viciously, against whoever is tied up to take it.
A fuck that starts with restraint, and ends with a satisfied sigh. Not very Christmassy, but fuck it – stick up some mistletoe or something.
It’s not just on the screen, it’s in your head and in your mind and right there in front of you. Just couple of feet from your face, people fuck. They’re fucking each other and in a second they’ll start fucking you: these impossibly real strangers, here but not here. Playing for your entertainment.
Then there’s real life, of course – the world that exists outside the VR headset – where your lover tracks the movements on a separate screen, mimicking the touches they think you’ll expect to feel. When the couple in the headset touch you, so your lover touches you. And although there are only two hands beyond the headset, it feels like there are four. Although there’s only one tongue, you see two and so you feel two. And when you come, at that split second as your body starts convulsing and the pleasure gushes outwards from your hips, in waves up and down your body, for a small moment you forget who you are. And who is doing this.
And which of these worlds is the real one.
Sex tech guide – these excellent people have compiled a really thorough guide to VR porn, and all the different sites you can subscribe to if you want to play out fantasies like this.
There are three fabulous companies that I haven’t managed to write sexy Christmas fantasies about here, but who you should definitely check out anyway.
First, Spicy Subscriptions. They’re a new sponsor who came on board a few months ago, and they sell subscription boxes of sexy goodies delivered to your door. They’re a tricky one to think of sexy Christmas fantasies about, because the whole point is the element of surprise – you sign up and then get surprise presents through the post. For this, I think, you can come up with your own fantasy. Consider what you might like, check out their website via that link, and allow your imagination to take over – it’ll be more tailored to your tastes than mine could ever be.
Second, ElectraStim, who make incredible e-stim equipment that you can use for all manner of hot stuff: the entire spectrum from pleasure to pain. The reason I don’t have a fantasy about them is because I’ve done a lot of electrosex over the last year, and frankly nothing in my head could currently live up to the fun I have had getting electro fucked in real life.
Last but by no means least, Temptation Holidays, who run incredible sexy adventures all over the world. One of the reasons I’m struggling to conjure a fantasy about them is because it would basically just describe what their holidays are like: sun, sea, sand, and sexy strangers chatting to you in glorious hot tubs, with cocktails to hand and at least a week of spare time in which to fuck and be fucked. Frankly, I can think of nothing sexier right now than that. Perhaps it’s winter. Perhaps it’s my mood. Perhaps I need to blow up my life and start a new one, but honestly all I want right now is to be whisked away to a sunny location where I can meet strangers who’ll make me feel good. Click the link, check out their website.