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On Valentine’s Day, House of Cards, and my ideal relationship

As a sex blogger, I am legally obliged to provide some sort of fodder that hits the keyword “Valentine’s Day”, or Google will have me shot. But if you want a syrupy-sweet and romantic entry or a rant about twee, tedious predictability of the day itself, you’re better off looking at previous years’ entries. Because today I’m going to talk about House of Cards.

House of Cards on Valentine’s Day

No, this isn’t just an excuse to remind other fans that Season 2 of House of Cards will be released on February 14th, it’s simply because House of Cards presses so many of my ‘holy shit that’s so hot’ buttons that it is almost impossible to list them all.

I’ll give you my top ones, though.

1. Powerful, evil men

From Andrew Scott’s playfully terrifying Moriarty to the drawling, bass sarcasm of Professor Snape, there’s an entire book to be written about how deliciously sexy evil can be. I’m definitely not the only one who thinks this. Plenty of submissive-leaning people on Twitter replied to my achingly hot story about number 14 by telling me, in no uncertain terms, that they were off to rub themselves raw, and I’ve been in certain circles where one cannot mention Kevin Spacey’s name without causing at least three people to collapse in a puddle of their own lust.

Why is Kevin Spacey so sexy? I think it’s because in House of Cards he is a ruthless, vicious, scheming man. A bastard’s bastard. The créme de la créme of cunts. And with every new machination, each twisted smile or liberty taken, I want to hug myself with merciless joy and have him devour me like the wolfish Beelzebub he is.

2. Hate fucking

Not all the sex in House of Cards is hateful, but there’s certainly a hell of a lot more of it that is powered by rage, revenge, and politics than you’d get in your average drama series. Sometimes it’s nice to see the perfect couple getting together on screen. But at other times it’s fantastic to be reminded that sex can be had for many reasons: not all of them good.

An on-screen fuck is so much hotter when you know one or other of the characters has an ulterior motive.

3. Zoe Barnes (played by Kate Mara)

I very rarely fancy women, but I am happy to make an exception for Zoe Barnes. She’s indescribably stunning, as well as being sneaky and devious and cunning and all that good stuff too. She also has a quality that I am exceptionally jealous of – in anything she wears her tits look spectacular. I want to hug her so that our chests smoosh together, then pick her up and fuck her against a wall.

The perfect House of Cards relationship

Hauling this entry back from drooling celebrity lust and onto the crucial topic of Valentine’s Day (see, Google? I am playing your wicked game), the most insanely hot thing about House of Cards is the relationship between Frank Underwood (played by Kevin Spacey) and his wife Claire (played by Robin Wright). They’re  both incredibly powerful people, but together they seem to be striving for a kind of give/take equality that I’ve rarely seen before.

Neither of them seems as concerned about fidelity as you’d expect from a high-profile married couple. They both make mistakes, sexually and personally, but what’s utterly fascinating is that they have this ongoing deal: I support you, then you support me. They know that it’s not always possible to excel simultaneously, so they take it in turns. Frank takes the limelight while Claire supports him from the wings, then they swap, and he dedicates his time to making sure that she gets the best exposure.

Every now and then they share a cigarette. The cigarette is, like all smoking on TV these days, a metaphor for their relationship. One of them will start it, then halfway through pass it to the other one. Breathing in, then out, then handing it over.

Love me like Frank Underwood

Don’t get me wrong, these characters are both pretty horrible people, so I wouldn’t recommend any of you turn into Frank Underwood any time soon (unless you are joining me in ‘filthy evil men’ sex games), but their relationship looks a lot like the sort of thing I want. A partnership of the most interesting kind, where you’ll step aside for your partner when they need to succeed, fight for their goals as passionately as you fight for yours, knowing with total certainty that they’ll do exactly the same thing for you a little way down the road.

And, of course, lust painfully after each other as you get dressed for a night out – because along with the support and the love, there’s always a little promise of fiery rage around the corner.


Addendum: If this entry wasn’t Valentine’s-y enough for you, here are some previous V-day entries ranked in order of how much I like them.

Love is like being tied to a rock that you also sort of want to have sex with

The most romantic thing I’ve ever written

Unwilling monogamy (not strictly V-day, but about love)

For Valentine’s Day I want a blowjob


  • Len Miller says:

    I am also Hooked on House of Cards. I wish I had the Power that Frank has, and I also am turned on by a woman like Claire who is also a very powerful woman. I guess I don’t like wimpy people.

    I don’t know about you but to me the most highly erotic scene in the series, was when Frank went back to Zoey and he went down on her while she was talking to her father, If that was simulated it sure looked real to me. It was by far in my opinion the hottest scene sexually of the show.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oooh, yes – that was hot. Basically all the sex scenes seem to make a big deal out of the power play between them, which is possibly why they’re so stunning.

  • Tom Strike says:

    I’ll join you in filthy evil men sex games; give me a call next time you’re in the States.
    Honestly, though, I have pondered Frank and Claire’s relationship some and finally concluded that, early on in their relationship, they decided to treat each other as intimate business partners, or business partners with benefits. Thus, they have mutual ultimate goals, support each other in their steps to reach those goals, and monogamy be damned in the process. Just so long as the side sex doesn’t interfere with the goals. In their case, at least for Frank, the sex-on-a-stick Zoe is a means to the ends, so Frank gets to ” use and abuse”. A delicious abuse of power!
    We’ll see if Zoe turns it around. Gonna be a long Val night waiting to get home for the real treat!

    • Girl on the net says:

      I’m seriously hoping (and expecting) Zoe to turn it around – at least temporarily! I’m also hoping that this second series will be where the overall plot starts to seriously depart from the original plot from the early British version. I watched it after I watched Season 1 and – although it’s clearly very good for the time it was made – I’ll be horrified if the US version has the same ending =)

  • Fiddy says:

    House of Cards? Don’t like it. Not gonna watch it. Why? I watch stuff for other reasons than sex.

    If I’m gonna watch something for the sex, it’s gonna be either porn, hentai, or my wife.

    I was expecting this post to be about the saucy special things you planned on doing for your guy, but still, right now I kinda wanna at least read up a little bit on House of Cards…

    • Girl on the net says:

      “I watch stuff for other reasons than sex” – me too, it’s just that the sex is a bonus. I write a lot about things I do to my guy, so sometimes I like to mix it up a bit. But if you want more filthy stuff, definitely check out the ‘not safe for work’ links I’ve got on the right. Some of those sex bloggers are super-hot too.

  • Roger says:

    Reading this, I found myself thinking of the Clintons.

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