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Blogs I have not written about These Weird Times

There’s nothing good or useful that I can say right now. I’ve helped the people I love, and comforted the ones I can comfort, and bought just enough shopping to last a few weeks, but no more than we genuinely need. So now I sit and twiddle my thumbs and wonder how to mark this week on my blog: the start of these Fucking Weird Times.

I don’t have to write anything. I could just hole up and let this time pass, post a draft or two which I wrote a month ago when life was normal, and hope that by the time my head’s in a better space I’ll have come up with something profound. Or maybe a post that weaves sexiness into this story in a way that is perfectly on-brand. Something just distracting enough to give respite from the news, but not so light-hearted that it makes light of our fears and confusion.

I drafted a lot of ideas, in the hope that I might find one which works.

The post which is designed to highlight how strange things are

On Sunday I walked into the kitchen to find my boyfriend washing bags of Haribo. With soap and water. In the sink. There were a couple of packets of chocolate biscuits there too, along with a plastic tub of Lurpak and a four pint bottle of milk. Wash, soap, rinse, dry, repeat. Then he threw the now-damp teatowel in the washing machine, soaped his own hands and washed them, before drying them on an entirely new teatowel.

It looked utterly, beautifully, deliciously weird – for a second I almost laughed at the sheer incongruity of it. Until I remembered that it’s not incongruous or weird these days. It’s just a man who doesn’t want to get sick, sensibly washing bags of Haribo.

The one where I nag people

I try to maintain an air of detached calm and patience, as I explain to older relatives that no, it is not a great idea to ‘get out and support the pubs during this difficult time.’ That ‘changing your gloves so you don’t touch the Sainsbury’s trolley’ is not quite enough for someone with chronic breathing problems. That Skype exists and is almost as good as in-person. That I can love them harder and better from a distance, and they need to stay the fuck home.

Remember all those times you wanted to cancel plans and chill, my friend? All those box sets on Netflix and hobbies you’ve been meaning to start, Mum? Those DIY projects (the safe ones – don’t go hurling yourself off ladders and cluttering up hospitals, please!) that have been waiting for a rainy day, Dad? We’ve got loads of rainy days now: we are rich in rainy days. Let’s use them.

The one where I count my blessings

I have a roof over my head and a garden. I have cider and peanuts and company. I have enough toilet roll to last for many weeks, with spares to dish out to the neighbours. I have ideas and projects and enjoyable work and no dependents to distract me. There’s a kind man snoring gently in the next room who will wake up soon and remind me to breathe.

The flippant one

I know it’s not the biggest issue in the world right now, but it happens to be my fucking birthday. Fuck you, coronavirus.

The even more flippant one

Welp! Looks like I’ve eaten my last ever bag of Pic N Mix.

The angry one

Never in my lifetime has it mattered more to have a competent government, and never have I known one which is so utterly unfit to deal seriously with something this big. We need a radical programme of support for people – financial incentives to get people to stay home, and prevent them from being forced to work while sick. We need a health service that is well staffed and well funded and able to cope with what’s coming. We need a thousand percent pay rise for all the people who are keeping our shit together – bringing us deliveries and caring for our relatives and coming up with treatments and nursing us and keeping us safe. And what do we get? Business loans and half-arsed ‘advice’ and meaningless bullshit formatted by a five-year-old.

Ignore our terrible Prime Minister and go listen to Varadkar’s speech.

The sex blogger one

There are going to be quite a lot of long nights in. You know what that means? Stock up on your sex toys! Support my sponsors! I for one will be making a cloned version of my partner’s dick so I can while away the hours with that and my new sex machine. Thank God that got delivered before all this happened, eh? Go click the ads – clicky clicky click. Support your friendly neighbourhood content creators as we desperately scrabble for ways to keep your – and our – minds off what’s happening.

The optimistic one

Life sucks really hard right now, but we live in incredible times. People are already working on vaccines and treatments for Covid-19, we can communicate rapidly with other countries and learn what’s working and what we do next. And in the meantime, wow, we have the whole of the internet at our disposal! Skype! Twitter! Ocado! Amazon! We are going into battle with an invisible enemy, but we have never had such powerful weapons with which to fight.

The frightened one

Last night I stood in the garden and listened to this episode of the Daily. It made me realise how seismic this is. How hard I have worked to focus on the optimism/anger/jokes/silly stories/weirdness/blessings/horn/everything else. I am trying to frame this differently because when I stare it right in the face, it is frightening. I don’t want my fear to infect you, but I don’t want you to think you’re mad for being the only person here who’s scared. Don’t nurture your fear, but don’t feel you have to deny it either. It’s OK to be scared. I am.

None of the above

Over the next few weeks and months there’ll be millions of stories and posts and takes and videos and podcasts – terrible ones and funny ones and ones which make us proud of how humanity can deal with a crisis. And there’ll be sexy ones too: perverts like me who are bored and horny and looking for ways to pass the time while we flatten the curve.

Some posts you’ll like, and some you’ll hate. Some you’ll think are wildly inappropriate, or boring, or churlish, or anxiety-inducing. Some posts will be uplifting or cool or so silly they gave you exactly the laugh you needed at precisely the right time. Some, of course, will consist of video compilations of celebrities singing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’, each in their own unique key.

We do what we do.

I’d love to give you some more useful words here, but the best I can manage at the moment is this torrent of random thoughts. I do what I do.

The best I can come up with right now is to urge you to give yourself time to breathe, to enjoy the things that will help you get through this, and stay the fuck home if you can. Every hour you sit on the sofa is an hour you’re not putting yourself – or others – at risk. Every toilet roll you do not overbuy is one that can be left for the next person. Every Skype call you make to a loved one eats a chunk of time which they might otherwise have spent feeling worried and lonely. Every funny tweet you do about self-isolation helps another isolated person feel a little bit less alone.

Retweet jokes. Share your stories. Tell people you’re scared. Unfollow/mute/block anyone (including me) who annoys you. Wail into the abyss. Make light of it. Sweat the small stuff. Remind yourself it won’t last forever. Know that this sucks, so fucking much, and it really is OK to be a little bit scared.

In the meantime, it really is my birthday. There’s a well-scrubbed bottle of wine drip-drying next to the sink. I’m going to drink it, count my blessings, and FaceTime some people I love.

Fuck you, coronavirus. Fuck. You.


  • Molly says:

    Happy birthday my darling friend. I wrote a post last night somewhat similar to this although I missed out the washing the Missguided delivery that my daughter ordered…
    Apparently she is stocking up on PJ’s.

    Anyway despite the world as we know it going to hell in a hand basket I hope you have a cracking birthday…the wine is good, the food tasty and the dick is hard at some point.

    Love you


    • Girl on the net says:

      Thank you so much Molly <3 I achieved all three of those things so had a very good bday under the circumstances... =) Sending a tonne of love to everyone at Molly HQ. I hope you're all keeping safe and well xxx

  • The One says:

    Happiest birthday to you! Heartily wish it was less virus-y, hope you have a wonderful day anyway. Gorgeous post too 🖤❤️🖤

  • Kayla Lords says:

    Happy birthday! And I hear you on all of these levels. I have a post rolling around in my head and hopefully I can get it out in as eloquent a way.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thank you Kayla, and best of luck with yours. It’s all v weird and I suspect we’ll all have a lot of ‘wtf do I say?!’ moments over the coming weeks and months. Love to you and yours xxx

  • fuzzy says:

    In honor of your birthday, a few lines from the Viking/Barbarian birthday dirge. You can, if interested, google multiple long lists of lyrics for this one…

    Chorus: (Sing after every pair of lines)
    Happy Birthday. [HUNHG!] Happy Birthday. [HUNHG!]

    Death, destruction, and despair
    People dying everywhere

    May the cities in your wake
    Burn like candles on your cake,

    May your deeds with sword and axe
    Equal those with sheep and yaks…

    In a more serious note, we need all you sex bloggers more than ever, and we appreciate your awesome distractions. Thank you! Someone was complaining on FB about being bored, and I said “I meditate, then do a little shamanic journeying, then I masturbate. Rinse and repeat.”

    • Jul says:

      Thank you! First laugh of the day, and laughter is in scarce supply. “Indigestion’s what you get/From the enemies you ‘et” made me snort. But, uh, daintily. Yeah. A dignified, ladylike snort.

      • Girl on the net says:

        Ahh thank you fuzzy! And honestly I do not think I have seen a more evocative written sound than ‘hungh!’ – might have to shamelessly nick that one =) Hope you’re doing OK – sounds like your methods of staving off boredom are v similar to mine, although if I’m honest mine have fewer meditations and shamanic journeys. So… basically just wankingxxx

  • Happy birthday dearest internet pervert. The shops around here still stock alcohol and Amazon still sells sextoys so I guess life goes on then. Maybe just continue to write what you always write. It is important to keep normal and joyful things going. I am personally sick of everything switching into corona mode. Can we please have some normalcy in these times…it would be good for our mental health instead of running around like headless chickens.

    My birthday is coming up soon. If this self-isolation goes on I am going to buy a fucking sex machine instead of toilet paper.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Sex machine instead of toilet paper? Why the hell not? Gotta get what’ll keep you busy =) Thank you so much for the birthday wishes, and I agree that it’s a good idea to try and maintain as much normality as poss. I’m counting my blessings that I have this job to do which keeps me busy and happy and distracted(ish) xxx

  • Jul says:

    We spent the evening of my sister’s 37th birthday watching Trump win the 2016 election. I think yours may be worse. I hope this gives you a great story to tell the grandkids (or great-nieces, not gonna assume that you want kids) someday. Even better than “When I was young, we had to walk 10 miles in a blizzard to get to school every day. Uphill. Barefoot. Carrying cinder blocks. You young’uns don’t know how good you have it!”

    So…happy birthday, in spite of everything. I hope your day is as fun and joyful as possible, that you can spend your time getting high and eating cake and fucking like it’s a normal birthday, that your sleep is unfettered by anxieties or nightmares, and that your Goldbears, Peaches, and Twin Snakes are squeaky-clean.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thank you Jul, that’s really kind of you. Same back at you – hope you’re managing to stay safe and well and that there are still many joys to enjoy, even if we all have to remain indoors while enjoying them. <3 xx

  • Mrs Fever says:

    My birthday was yesterday. So I feel your “fuck you corona virus, it’s my birthday” in a big way.

    I hope you manage a bit of ‘happy’ in your birthday-ing, despite the COVID shit show.

    (And I have no idea what Haribo is, but yay! The package is clean.)

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oh I’m so sorry, and happy birthday to you too! I hope that you were able to have some fun amidst all the rubbish. Haribo is a brand of sweets/candy which my partner is v keen on/obsessed with. Lucky for him, it appears to be one of the few things left in our local shop (alongside wine and ice cream: the most essential of essentials). Sending love and hope you and yours are well xxx

  • OxyfromSg says:


  • The Guyliner says:

    Relatable and brilliant! ❤️

    • Girl on the net says:

      I suspect you might find this a little weird, but when I saw your name pop up I had a proper excited heart-stopping moment of ‘omg famous writer just commented on my blog.’ Thank you for commenting, I bloody love your work. Also isolation is a nice opportunity for me to reread your last book, which I loved <3 xxx

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    Well said. And happy birthday!

    You don’t have to write anything, but feel free to write any of the blogs above if you want to.
    I think there’s nothing wrong with running your usual sex blogs at the moment. I imagine there’s more interest in them now than usual.

    I remember you wrote one some time ago about the challenges of working from home, specifically that it can make you, literally, a bit of a wanker… so I’ve found. I’m trying *not* to rub one out every day, because tissues are something potentially in short supply, but so far with limited success I must say. Oh, the struggles of the self-isolated…

    Best wishes to you and all commenting here!

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha yes! Working from home definitely causes a significant increase in tissue usage for all of us. If it helps, my partner and I have recently bought a tonne of flannels (face… cloths? I think they’d be called outside the UK?) which we stash in strategic sex-and-wanking hotspots around the house, then just chuck into the washing machine after a single use. Saves on tissues, although it does mean we end up doing quite a lot of washing. Eco-friendly fucking, though, so there’s that =)

      Thank you for the birthday wishes, and I hope you are staying safe and well. <3 xxx

  • Happy Birthday, you utterly amazing and inspirational human being. You are amazing and I wish you and all of your loved ones all the best for the future. We will get through the coming weeks and months and your blog will be a godsend to everyone looking to be cheered up by your amazing wit and humour.

    Take care and stay safe xxx

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thank you Joanne! You are amazing too, and I count myself very lucky to know you. You’re right – we’ll get through this, and our ability to distract and entertain each other will (I think) prove even more valuable than we realised it was before. Keep up the amazing work too, I am so sorry that this has happened just as you were readying your new office! Argh! xxx

  • Dave says:

    I have become fond of your posts and your attitude towards sex and life, but in this post, I fell in love with you! Thank you for being real. Being grounded. Being uncertain and s bit scared, but still sharing healthy advice with the world. You have transcended sex blogging to life-blogging in the best damn way. Happy happy birthday! And thanks, from a world in need of sanity and a bit of cheering up!
    Dave in Maine, USA

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thank you so much Dave, you are massively kind and I really appreciate your lovely words! Hope you are safe and well, sending lots of love all the way over to Maine xxx

  • Moondog says:

    Take care & happy birthday!

    Also, now I really want to fuck my boy in the butt with his own dick 😍

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thank you and OMG YES. Honestly, I would very much like for this to become A Thing. I do not think that enough people understand the filth-related potential of having one’s own dick clone made of silicone. The one I’m making is currently curing in a mold in the kitchen, so we can do some DP with it this weekend. I might (emphasis on might) have a spare kit, so if this is something you might be interested in doing then guest blogging about, drop me an email and if I do in fact have a spare I can send it to you xxx

  • Phillip says:

    You haven’t mentioned that event you look forward to every year. Eroticon, where you see all of your comrades and have some good times. I am sorry for you and the others that it was canceled due to Corvid-19. I always pretend that I don’t care when things I looked forward to are cancelled. I find that pretending only works a few times at best.

    I lucked out and found a mask in with my work supplies. The good one that is so hard to get. The N-95. It was new, but very old and I had to come up with new straps. Rubber bands can be bonded together with cyanoacrylate (crazy glue). When I went out for groceries I found that 99% of the others didn’t have masks at all. You can’t get one for love or money. I’m hiding in the house now. Lots of beans and rice and lots of tomato sauce for pasta.

    Visualize Boris and Donald dressed in full armor with long and heavy swords. They are blaming each other while whacking away getting exhausted and finally losing their credibility with even their most diehard followers. They are too incompetent to actually hurt each other.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Yeah, it was absolutely gutting that Eroticon couldn’t go ahead this year. Even more devastating because I think it was due just on the cusp/tipping point of all this, when it started to become very obvious that our govt wasn’t doing enough to keep us safe. It was an incredibly difficult decision for the organisers to make, whether to go ahead or not, but they have clearly made the right decision and I was very glad to not have to choose between going along and speaking (and maybe catching/spreading stuff) or pulling out and disappointing ppl by not turning up. It’s heartbreaking, but not the only casualty of this horrible stuff, so I’m counting my blessings that I am safe and healthy.

      Glad that you are holed up inside safe, sending lots of love xxx

  • I am completing with you on all of the above. What has struck me most is the panic it has provoked, the sense of community spirit and generosity, the way it has forced us to spend time alone to reflect on our lives and how they might change for the better and the opportunity for thinking about how my business might benefit from being more on-line. I have completely rehashed my website to offer on-line sensual massage coaching over Zoom video calls – it’s exciting to think that I can now reach out to people around the world to introduce them to the power of touch and arousal. My site, I will unashamedly plug, is

    Love to you all,

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hi James, thank you for your comment. Yeah I agree that the panic has been quite surprising, although when I reflect on it maybe not *quite* so surprising as I initially would have thought. My own neighbourhood is proving to be very community spirited, judging by all the messages on my Nextdoor app of people offering to help others out, it’s really nice. Good idea re: long-distance teaching rather than in-person appointments at this time. Best of luck with it! xx

  • PinkGilly15 says:

    Happy Birthday your the best. I’ve trapped with my folks just the same. Thinking they can go enjoy fish Friday at their local spoons! Like I’m glad nna get droid now mum. It’s my mum’s birthday tomorrow I can’t visit. But would rather she stays well and inside. I have no work mon-wed but lucky to be paid home working thurs-fri if I can figure out the tech. No theatre work (the job I love) fir how long? It’s definitely a time where I wish I’d not seen so many apocalyptic films. Your the best. …come to my living room disco wed xxxx much love Gxx

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oh I’m so sorry – happy bday to your Mum, and I hope that when all this is over you can enjoy a proper celebration/visit with her when things are safe. I’m so sorry to hear about your work too – hope you can figure out the tech for working thurs/fri, but if you do need any help then I reckon Michael from Eroticon could be able to give you some tips to make sure you’re all set up OK! I hope that you and yours are staying safe and well, and have loads of fun at your living room disco! It’s such a fab idea! <3 xxx

  • Mosscat says:

    All blogs that deserve space! Happy birthday, keep ranting, loving, wanking and even worrying – it’s all okay xxxx

  • Fillee says:

    Happy Bday from curfew country.

    What would be great? A compilation of your top 15 blogposts for wanking. You could even ask us to vote.

    (Me: Double spitroast)

    That way I wouldn’t have to search so much….

  • I really enjoyed this post, it struck so many right notes and was uplifting, informative, showing great solidarity and wry practicality.
    This is what we love you for GotN – you do what you do … and we all benefit. Hope you stay safe & well – happy (belated) birthday. x

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