It’s really fucking shit, let’s start with that. Lockdown continues/escalates across the UK, to varying degrees of clusterfuck depending on where you are. One thing is certain: at some point you’ll be trapped at home, bored and miserable and longing for the Before Times. To try and ease the misery, and plug the awesome companies who support my site, here’s a quick rundown of some sexy things to keep you entertained through the oncoming horror show.

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Weirdly, when I first experienced the indescribably brilliant, fuck-me-to-the-brink-of-death-and-beyond power of the Doxy, it didn’t occur to me to ask for something that would pump that power into my cunt. I was happy enough just fucking my Doxy as it was – using the throbbing rumble of the mighty original Doxy on my clit. Latterly I’ve been content to let those powerful waves travel through the flesh of my pubic mound, into the internal walls of my vagina, where they meet up with the Godemiche ambit dildo like two dudes meeting me on the Piccadilly line and then DP-fucking me in the lift at Covent Garden. What a complete twat I feel now, having experienced the power of Doxy inside my cunt, to never have thought to ask for it before.

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My cunt is sore, so fucking sore. I got fucked so hard that when I came home I shuddered each time I thought about it, although whether the shudders were caused by lustful memories or something else is a story for another fucking day. All you need to know for now is that my cunt was sore. And therefore perfectly placed to try out a new sex toy: a slim, soft, gentle dildo – the Avant D14 Heart of Gold – sold by Stuffgoodies, and perfectly designed to soothe my fucksore vagina while I reminisced about the excellent sex I had when I should almost certainly have been doing something else. Let’s do this.

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This post was initially written with a particular guy in mind. He doesn’t read the blog, but he may at some point want an idea of how I like to get fucked, so I thought it might be hot to write him a story that I can give to him at some point. But then I ended up writing pure porn and I realised it was way too intimidating for that kind of discussion. It definitely does work for a blog post, though, because it’s filth. So here goes: what I like in bed.

We’ve banged a few times now – just enough to get to know each other a little, but not so much that I’ve exposed all the detail of the ways in which I really want you to fuck me. You see, although I know that communication is good, I also worry that if I go all-in with my comms before we’ve even fucked once, the pressure to tick everything off the list might make you feel like you’re wrangling to get the top score on Mario Kart. So I haven’t really told you this yet, I’ve just enjoyed the simple, casual fucks: the noises you make and the way you touch me and the sensation of your dick sliding in. But we’ve done it three times now, so here the fuck goes: here’s what I like in bed.

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I’m so delighted to welcome today’s guest blogger – Debbie Bird! Her one-woman show, Buzzing, which is all about a woman embracing her sexuality post-divorce and after 50, premiered at Edinburgh last year and was then taken on a national tour. I was itching to get to see it in the theatre, but unfortunately Coronavirus absolutely fucked with that plan, as it has fucked with so much of the rest of our lives. But luckily for me (and you too!) Debbie is doing a livestream of Buzzing that you can enjoy from the comfort of your home. To introduce you to some of the topics she covers in the show, Debbie dropped by with this awesome guest blog about feeling sexy at 50+, and there will be absolutely no prizes for guessing why I utterly adore it, and why it’s got me excited to see Buzzing on the 25th. Join me, get tickets, support artists who have been fucked over by Coronavirus and enjoy Debbie’s brilliantly reviewed show.

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