In my house, Game of Thrones is affectionately referred to as “Tits n Dragons.” I don’t need to explain why, but what I am going to talk about is my shameless delight in unexpected moments of TV filth.
As a child of the nineties, I used to stay up late on Friday night, willing my family to go to bed early so I could dangerwank to Eurotrash. The joy of Eurotrash was that masturbating to it was genuinely challenging. One minute you’d be watching latex-clad dominatrixes beating the living daylights out of eager men in a Bavarian castle, the next you’d be confronted with a grotesque montage of custard pies shaped like disease-ridden genitals. You had to time it right.
But Eurotrash was primarily watched by horny folk like me who could guarantee that if they tuned in they’d be turned on by one thing or another. Because it was so obviously a wankers’ programme, when it delivered on the promise of nakedness, I tingled with horniness but never excitement.
Best surprise TV filth
There were shows, though, that managed to draw you in with an exciting and non-sexual plot, then hit you with the gift of out-of-the-blue shagging, and I treasured those moments far more than my deliberately sought-out wank material. Just as chocolate tastes better if someone’s brought it as a nice surprise than if you binge-buy packs of Wispas in Tesco then scoff them all on your own, surprise TV filth is ten times more delicious if it’s unexpected.
What prompted these thoughts? Well, most recently it happened during my very belated introduction to Weeds, specifically the episode where Nancy Botwin gets spanked by a drug kingpin. The sudden rush of horny meant I didn’t really focus on what was happening for the next five minutes. Weeds is full of these filthy moments, and even relatively tame action (Silas Botwin removing his shirt, bending over, or just… you know… existing) can make my eyes glaze over and my cunt start to throb.
There are loads of great TV shows that do this: Game of Thrones (obviously not that much of a surprise, it’s so expected there’s even a supercut of All The Sex Scenes), Misfits (which I’ve mentioned lustily before), and that moment in The Wire when Stringer Bell pulls the zip down on Donette’s tracksuit. If you have any other recommendations of shows with great plot and occasional filth, please do leave them in the comments. I am a conoisseur of this shit.
God bless Moll Flanders
Like most pervy quirks, though, this joy began when I was young and hormonal, and was prompted by Moll Flanders – a BBC drama series from the mid-nineties, starring Alex Kingston as ‘the wickedest woman in England.’ I can’t remember what she did that was so wicked, but I can remember that she fucked an awful lot of people. Beautifully.
The scene that sticks with me involves Moll selling sex to upper-class gentlemen. Having fallen on hard times, Moll sets out to make some money. In the crucial scene, she’s sitting in the lap of an old guy in the back of a horse-drawn carriage, wearing period costume. Her corset is unlaced, and she’s facing away from the guy in question, wearing a stony, bored expression as she fucks him in solid rhythm. His excited shouts, her total apathy, and the desperate glee of the other guy in the cab watching them was all a bit much for my eager young mind. I shivered with an almost painful kick of lust, felt the rush of wetness in my knickers, and prayed silently for some alone time so I could process the image properly.
I clearly haven’t processed it properly because the scene still pops up regularly in my fantasies. That exact scene. Two guys, period costumes, and a bored fuck from Moll Flanders.
Does this video still exist, you ask? Well, I did a bit of research and I’m delighted to say it does. I’m clearly not the only one who found Alex Kingston incomparably captivating as the luscious, horny Moll, and had endless masturbation fantasies over apathetic fucks with horny be-costumed people. I can be confident in saying this, because the video I found isn’t in a BBC archive or on some British TV lovers’ BitTorrent site somewhere: it’s full-on Moll Flanders sex compilation on xhamster. The scene I’m referring to is about 3:40 in. You’re welcome.
This blog is a bit jumbled compared to my other ones, for which I can only apologise. There’s no coherent thread of argument, no full-on filthy story, and no real point to this other than to let you into the hodgepodge, pervy jumble-sale that is my own mind. Ladies and gentlemen of the telly, I salute you: keep up the good work. If I could make one tiny suggestion, it’d be lovely to see a few more cocks. And ladies and gentlemen who don’t make telly, just let me know which box set I should crack open when Weeds is done.
39 Comments
I don’t know if I’ve ever watched TV and then wanked. But I think I have had the same experience when it comes to books. You know, an ordinary fiction book, and then suddenly a very nice sex scene. Or, you know, a really /bad/ (as you, ‘you naughty girl’ bad) scene. Or just whatever. It’s a bit unexpected at times.
And then there are the books where the first scene might be unexpected, but they you realise the author likes sprinkling their fiction with sex. And so you don’t know when, but you know it will happen again. She gently lowers his trousers … Or they simply start kissing passionately, and it flows… Or it’s a dream …
Whatever the case, yes, I’ve wanked to stuff found it otherwise non-sexy novels. (Not that I would admit that to my mother.)
I once wanked to a hatewank that a character in a Stephen King novel did. Definitely get the hot-sex-in-books thing =)
Sons of Anarchy, for sure. I’m also fucking delighted you’ve seen The Wire.
This is On My List, and I am looking forward to watching it: Charlie Hunnam? Fuck yeah. Although I’m not sure how I will feel about him in anything other than Queer as Folk.
How could I have forgotten Queer as Folk?! That would be on my hot TV list, for sure.
Speaking of masturbating to Alex Kingston, there was this comedy-drama thing with her years and years ago on I used to wank to. I have no idea why I’m telling you this. Anyway, there was like a montage thing at the start of every episode introducing the characters and there was about 5 seconds of it with her getting bummed in a van. I think it was on itv. Yes.
I remember Dennis Potter’s “Lipstick on your Collar” when I was a very horny teenager. Lots of tits, cleavage, stockings and shagging, for what on the surface looked a boring programme that no kid my age would give the time of day usually! Although to be fair in those days even ‘Allo Allo’ was enough to set me off! haha.
I wasn’t au fait with the term ‘dangerwank’ despite being intimately acquainted with what it entails. This blog is so damn educational.
Ah, then you might also appreciate the fact that there is a song about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKd5X68vvM4
Haha, gawd bless the internet. Of course there’s a song. Why wouldn’t there be a song?
In the interests of adding something of value to the discussion I did like this webisode from Breaking Bad. It’s equal parts funny and sexy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56qCg65a52A
No spoilers. Goddamn I love Marie.
You should try Banshee. Quite new, but I think season two is about to start though. Check out a girl called Lily Simmons, when she whips he LBD off in ep 2 or 3. Goddam.
In fact just google Lily Simmons and banshee. That should froth up your Mott, good ‘n proper.
I love that suggestion, although the phrase “froth up your Mott” has alarmed me slightly =)
Whatever happens, DONT PANIC. Froth up your mott is purely my strange Northern way of saying “it’s a jolly sexy scene by jimminy”.
Keep up the excellent blog work. I really enjoy it and look forward to each one.
I haven’t seen many of those shows. Mostly because I don’t watch TV anymore, as it is mostly the same recycled crap over and over again. But period costumes, why does that turn me on…
TV is just the same recycled crap?! Wow, you’re watching the wrong channels! There’s tonnes of brilliant stuff around these days. Although we’re having a slight dip in terms of comedy, there are some amazing drama series coming out of both the US and the UK. They’ll no doubt be repeated over and over again until they too become the same old crap, but still…
And yes, period costumes = unngh.
ohh! i did a post about best film sex scenes recently! let me know if you agree… http://seasideslutdiary.wordpress.com/2013/12/20/top-5-favourite-movie-sex-scenes/
also have you watched Masters of Sex? very interesting, sexy and educational, wrapped in a glamorous 1950s bow.. also the tv adaptation of fantastic Michel Faber book the Crimson Petal and the White? victorian whores, love ’em. True Blood also has lots of titillation. at one point a vampire bursts out of a grave, grabs the lead character by the ankle and then shags her all covered in earth. pretty weird. but I’d be up for it.
Tangentially related, and would be fascinating to get GOTN’s thoughts – a nice piece on rewatching a teenage sex tape http://www.thedebrief.co.uk/2014/03/lessons-i-learnt-from-re-watching-my-teenage-sex-tape
….can someone explain the logic by which being filmed/photographed in a sex-inflected way automatically == “being objectified?”
Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions! I will check out as many as I can when I am done with Weeds, and the delicious horny nature of it all.
Pensierthanthough – thank you for the link, I haven’t seen that although I do *love* that writer. I think she’s fantastic. Re: sex tapes in general, I would always steer clear of them because I am paranoid, and also because I hate seeing myself on camera. I hide from cameras even in the most innocent of situations. But I reckon if people are comfortable with it, and over 18 (obviously) then it can be an amazing thing for them to do. So yeah: not for me, but if no one else did it the world would be a less fun place! I love her overview of it, though – can definitely see myself in some of her teenage ‘moves’.
Outrageous Fortune. It’s a New Zealand show, not sure if you got it in the UK, and it finished a few years ago. A fair bit of filthy white-trash sex :D
My partner loves ‘Tits and Dragons’ but I can’t sit through that much violence to get to the sex. My memorable sex scene was from film rather than TV – Enemy at the Gates with Jude Law and Rachel Weisz. Almost no nudity, but it’s furtive and grasping and desperate.
Oh yes! Love the Enemy At The Gates scene. Her facial expressions are incredibly hot. I had the distinct impression that if that wasn’t her character’s first time, then the other guys were no-where near as well equipped as he was!
Can’t believe nobody has mentioned house of cards yet.
My wife and I have both wanked hard to Moll Flanders side by side on the sofa. I remember delighting in it as a teenage boy. Another similar one is Fanny Hill.
Also, if you can find it on netflix, there’s an Aussie tv drama called Satisfaction. It’s pretty awesome because: it’s about empowered independent women working as escorts; it’s got some fucking awesome sex scenes; and it’s generally very interesting. My wife and I have frequently acted out scenes in the show immediately after watching it.
Fanny Hill was amazing – definitely inspired a few walking sessions for me! Would recommend – especially because there is a huge variety of sex scenes in it.
Well that was a fun romp through your personal fantasy play-list! Agreed on Weeds!
Al Swearigan – Deadwood – Not sure it counts as filth but it is funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqMWBpwXX80
Tipping the Velvet – awesome lesbian sex story. Lots of steamy sex!!
There’s a tv movie by Stephen Poliakoff called The Tribe with a threesome with Anna Friel, Jeremy Northam and Jonathan Rhys Myers. Northam is in bed, Myers wanders in wearing an open dressing gown with nothing under it and is followed by Friel, who takes off her tee shirt apropos of nothing to reveal that she is completely naked. That scene was rewound an awful lot.
I remember two things, I think they were on TV not just in my teenage mind. Firstly, The Manageress. 90’s drama about a woman being a football manager. There was one scene where you are peeking through a door watching her get fucked. Most hot and good wank fodder. The other was an odd one. I remember something, no idea what it was called, but I think I’ve seen it twice. Basically, a middle aged couple in their front room, she is pegging him over a radiator, and the doorbell goes. She unstraps and leaves it in him and answers the door. Very interesting.
great piece, like most contributors I prefer “ordinary” dramas with random sex scenes, the moll flanders programme evoked memories, obviously it helps when the actors are sexy, sometimes even scenes in a soap can get your mind wandering!
I confessed to a teenage crush on Penelope Keith once to a former partner and received a fair amount of teasing!I told her it wasn’t the character from The Good Life ( Margot, prim and posh but you just knew even as a young lad..) but her role in To the Manor Born, Very similar really. Anyway I recounted a tale of an episode where she was wearing this fawn sweater with very visibly
erect nipples. about 6 months later she announced to me that she had a special treat for me. She had chanced upon an episode and taped it one afternoon. I was alittle embarassed at first at having my teenage mind filth laid bare but soon entered into the spirit. I suppose having a blow job whilst watching your teenage wank dream ( or one of them!) is pretty niche isnt it?!
Niche? Yes. Utterly amazing? HELL YES. This sounds like a spectacular treat. I am jealous =)
It was a treat yes, behind the (gentle) ribbing she gave me for my candour in admitting to still finding something which had driven me wild with teenage lust exciting now, she liked my honesty, i remember her not telling me what it was until she started playing the tape. my face must have been a picture! She hoped that this was the particular episode from my fevered past (it might have been another one, for all i know Penelope Keith might have walked around like that in every episode!).
A wonderful memory.
thanks to this thread and your blog for reminding me of it.
I thought you meant Penelope Keith announced she had a special treat for you. Moment of awe, there, for a second.
There’s a classic scene in a BBC adaptation of Madame Bovary where the protagonist fucks the guy she is getting “horse riding” lessons from, in the forest.
In particular the bit where he rips off her fabric lace up shoes…it is very fucking hot.
Dawn of the Dead is amazing. Eiza Gonzalez is my waking fantasy at the moment. The TV show is based off the 1996 American Movie by the same name. It boils my blood just the same as Game of Thrones. Your references to Firefly, The Wire, and other obscure TV shows and movies leads me to believe you would be most happy on Imgur. Please do join or at least check it out. =) Cheers from Canada.
Moll Flanders was on ITV
On this note- watched an episode of Empire on a flight recently having not seen it before. It’s pretty sexy in general but I could barely contain my delight when I realised the beautiful Jamal Lyons had an equally beautiful boyfriend and they are often shown making out/having sex aggressively. Definitely one to watch.
Ha! Definitely brought back some memories of my teenage experiences! Staying up for the Friday night softcore Channel 5 films was always more about the suspense and possibility of what you might see than what you actually saw! Lots of long edging sessions for only a couple of glimpses of nudity. Eurotrash was certainly ‘danger-wank’ territory, stories could go from sexy to creepy in a very short time. Ah, nostalgia wanks!