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On what I think of your dick

I get email – lovely, sexy email from boys who have sent me a cock picture. [Note: I no longer use the cock pictures email address – please don’t send me your pictures as chances are I won’t have the opportunity to look at them all or reply – this post explains why]

I wake up almost every morning to at least one new image of a rock-solid dick trapped in boxers, gripped in sweaty hands, or – if I’m really lucky – dripping huge white goblets of jizz all over anonymous fingertips. Delicious.

However, unfortunately a lot of these pictures are accompanied by an email that says one of the following things:

What do you think?
Tell me what you do when you see my pic.

Or, in a few rather memorable cases:

Give me a mark out of ten?

I’m not going to rate your dick

There are two reasons why I’m not going to rate your dick. Firstly and most importantly, by what criteria am I going to rank it? Length? Width? Rigidity? Beauty? Any individual cock can tick one, many or all of these boxes. But I’m not going to say that this dick is better than that dick on the basis of a blurry cameraphone snap – that just wouldn’t be fair.

Some pictures I’m sent are beautiful because your cock is positioned in just the right way – gripped tight in one hand and stretched out from your body. Some are beautiful because you’ve got the lighting just right or you’ve trapped it beautifully in the waistband of your boxers so I can see it bulging out against the fabric. Others win my approval because they include your face, staring sultrily (yes, that is an actual word) down the camera lens, and I can imagine the horny face you make when you twitch and come. Finally, some pictures are top of the ‘wank bank’ list because the cock in question is either exploding with, or covered in, your own sticky jizz.

I am far too biased

The second reason I’m not going to rate your dick is probably apparent from the paragraph above: I am a passionate fan of cock of all shapes and sizes, rather than a discerning conoisseur. While other dick-appraisers might give and deduct points for various things, like a wine expert rating flavour, consistency and scent, I’ll be running around the bargain section of Tescocks throwing all the different cheap penis-wines into my trolley. It’s just not a fair test.

There are loads of things that can enhance the beauty of an individual cock picture, but for me the only things I really care about in any given snap are:

1. It has a dick in it.
2. It is sent to me.
3. It has a dick in it.

Thank you one and all

In case the above has made me sound like a horrible bitch, I don’t resent your asking: I understand why, upon taking the trouble to get all hard then take a hot picture to send to a sex blogger, you’d want a little something in return. I feel bad that not only do I not have the time to reply in depth to everyone that emails me, my replies are often incredibly brief and more than a little tardy.

[Edited to add: having received so many penis pictures that they now all blur into one, and received a not insignificant number of emails bollocking me for not giving people the response they require, or not giving them a swift enough response, I now have to stop. Or rather, beg you to stop. Please stop sending me your pictures.]

You all get ten out of ten.

21 Comments

  • Permission_Granted says:

    I for one, appreciate your efforts to answer any e-mail under your circumstances. You must be flooded with a veritable torrent of kudos, complaints, caterwauling climaxes, and cascading convoys of cock. Yet, you take the time to make each sender feel that their contribution is appreciated, that their droplet in this ocean of desire has significance, and that is very noble indeed. What a better place the world would be if everyone had your level of empathy, respect, and honesty.

    All that aside, I think the wallpaper is a great idea (screw your roomates ;-) ), although I know, if it were me, and it was women who’d sent me pics showing me how wet I’d made them, I’d have a serious time not jerking off every time I laid down and looked at the wall.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hehe, I’m not exactly flooded, but it does get tricky to reply to everyone. I’m sure I occasionally miss some, and some go to spam and only get replies when I do a big trawl through the folder. Still, I’m certainly not complaining, I bloody love getting email.

      • Permission_Granted says:

        If you do like getting email, I won’t hesitate as much then. Since I’m using Tor, after the initial one, they’re probably going straight to the spam, so when/if you do pick them up, a simple ‘message received’ response would suffice, and if you feel further emphasis is needed, I’ll consider it a compliment ;-)

    • Ezequiel says:

      I’d just like to commend you on your use of the phrase “cascading convoys of cock”. I shall search diligently for opportunities to shamelessly plagiarize it, if that’s okay with you.

  • Mr Archer says:

    I really would not want you rating dick pics anyway, as eventually you are going to seriously hurt someone’s pride, when you say in an e-mail “oh God, that looks HORRIBLE LOL” and that’ll be the end for all males on the blog, because when you hurt a man’s pride by ridiculing his cock, he’ll get vindictive…

  • Caramella says:

    I live in constant fear that one day my computer will get catastrophically sick, and I won’t be able to remove my plethora of peen before getting it repaired by a stranger.

    But on the upside, they make for a wonderfully distracting slide show on quiet nights.

  • Girl on the net says:

    OK, ‘cascading convoys of cock’ and ‘plethora of peen’ have both made me extremely happy =)

  • Nic and Lace says:

    We desperately wish that Tescocks was a real place. We are also passionate fans of cocks all shapes and sizes, EXCEPT for that rare “oh my actual god that is enormous you are not putting that ANYWHERE NEAR ME” cock. Those ones are a problem. D:

    • Sarah says:

      Only encountered one. When I came to, after less than five seconds of sliding down it, the guy was literally dialling 999 on his phone. Never, ever again. (I’m sure there are ladies with equally spacious fannies who love the giant cocks – I’m just not one of them).

  • Hancliff says:

    Just wanted to say, you’re the best sex writer I’ve ever read.

    *So* many writers don’t have a clue.

  • Stephanie says:

    You made my mouth water, GOTN!

  • ahmed says:

    so the thing is history part of urban legend is there I can get rated,?) pls..

    • Girl on the net says:

      Mate, it actually says in one of the headings, in massive letters “I’m not going to rate your dick”. The blogpost explains why.

  • Jelq says:

    [Spoiler alert GOTN’s first book]

    What about JOI, did you ever find what you were after? I just finished your first book and while the cheating stuff was fairly abhorrent, the rest was very hot. It seems fair enough with number 8 and 26 knowing what you were up to, and the married guys were the ones responsible for keeping their promises, but with number 1 and 2; and the friends boyfriend you were blowing, was it just that with drink and smoking and the social fads there, that you weren’t actually all serious in relationships and messing around was just some cliche t.v drama bs . Or was it cruelly done in bad faith: as in was it the actions of obviously immature people, who have all grown up now? Or should I be on my toes for the unfaithful girlfriend who gets a kick out of cheating – I haven’t dated since I was 15 as the girl lied, cheated and dumped me, but I would like to believe this is in the minority and that most people – cue the romcom music – get more pleasure from an honest relationship, than the sordid secret bit on the side mentality. Have you changed and/or regretted and found some silver linings, or would it still seem pleasurable to cheat on someone honest like me, are you an enigma??? Should it be obvious who would do things like cheating, and should the cheated accept some responsibility in that it was a decision that they made having chosen to ignore the warning signs?

    • Girl on the net says:

      I mean, you’re basically asking me to either try and excuse a bad thing I did or try to flagellate myself for a bad thing I did. My broad answer to your question would be: humans do both good and bad things, for both good and bad reasons. To the specific examples from my book, honestly I am more angry with myself for the latter examples (i.e. number 8) because I was much older and should have known better than in the earlier examples when I was younger, hornier and more selfish.

      “would it still seem pleasurable to cheat on someone honest like me”

      There’s a loaded question if ever I heard one. I don’t know you, so I don’t know. But I suspect that, yes, the sexual thrill of doing something taboo wouldn’t disappear just because the person being betrayed is honest.

  • Jelq says:

    I didn’t mean it as a loaded question. I mean now that your older and the relationships are probably more serious, would you not make better decisions and enjoy the relationship far more being honest, than you would from getting a cheap thrill from cheating? Like isn’t cheating something people do when their rather unbalanced, I’m not going to pop physiology you here: but is it not you being unfaithful to number 1 and 8 was because, as much time as you spent together, you were going out primarily for experimentation and experience, than the serious commitment and partner you have in 26. Even if it was unspoken with numbers 1 and 8, they will have known the motivations under which got together and rather than outright hurtful it was probably more of an eye opening experience.
    Anyway, you don’t need to answer that, I’m sorry for messaging with what have probably stupid questions. It was just a pretty shocking read, and I was hoping for some romcomlike ending like in ‘some girls do.’ Obviously this is real life and the clue is in the second title ‘how “a bad girl” fell in love’, but more shocking than the actual cheating is that no one else noticed or deigned to tell them, I’m from a small enough place that when these things happen, and they do, there’s at least one person conscionable or loyal enough to give the cheated a heads up. Ugggh, anyway sorry to project on you, these things are hard to swallow in passing never mind reading a book filled with it, I’d take optimism over cynicism any day, but then I suppose it wouldn’t be controversial gotn blog. I’ll take the lesson that these things happen and try not to be completely naive to them in the future. Sorry for troubling you with my angst.

  • Jelq says:

    It’s like a monster calls where you want to picture one character as good or bad. I was holding my breath the whole time thinking that you were going along the lines of a party girl blowing off steam at how crap school an uni are. That the fact number 1 also cheated might be an indication that the relationship was a physical one and only bearing the titles boyfriend and girlfriend because of the obligatory “will you go out with me” question in school years. I was hoping the whole time that you were going to be decent, and have some @nice girl in you, but all I was getting is your insistence ‘i’m a bastard’ ‘i’m disgusting’ ‘we are all disgusting’. It doesn’t do much for people who want to believe in honest relationships, and I’m clearly not mature or cynical enough to take that at face value, without throwing out a line and hoping you’d say your far happier now and wouldn’t do the same things again. Instead you’ve said you don’t know, so I can only take closure in that I might spot the kind of behaviour before getting too invested or screwed around, and that people who would pick lust over conscience are hopefully in the vast minority. Anyway I’ve said my piece *breaths* sorry I couldn’t be more mature and move on.

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