Today I have an awesome bonus guest blog – Danielle Meaney is an awesome blogger, and she’d like to have a word about bisexuality.
Still Not Straight
I’ve watched with glee as attitudes towards the LGBT community have monumentally shifted in recent years. Last week’s decision by the US Supreme Court to allow nationwide same sex marriages is just one act in a long list of changes that mean more acceptance and tolerance for those that come under the LGBT banner, and by ‘those’, I mean ‘us’.
However, I feel like a forgotten member of the LGBT community; that really I have no right to identify myself as one of them, because no one else sees me as such. At least, not anymore.
I represent the ‘B’ in that famous and controversial acronym. I was aware that I was bisexual from a very early age, and I remember thinking about kissing girls long before I ever kissed my first boy. It wasn’t until I was sixteen, and rather drunk at a friend’s house, that I finally got my chance to try it. There were three of us girls there and, emboldened by the alcohol, I admitted that I had always been curious about women. One friend giggled a bit while the other enthusiastically agreed that she had too. What followed was a clumsy, fumbling attempt at getting each other off and a somewhat awkward atmosphere between the three of us the following morning. Still, it stuck in my mind as something that I had thoroughly enjoyed and absolutely wanted to repeat.
Despite the fact that I repeated it several times over the years, those who know me are often quite taken aback when they learn of my sexuality. Admittedly, the majority of my sexual experiences and all of my relationships have been with men. Plus, the same sex encounters that I have had have often been with women who otherwise identify as heterosexual, so I’ve not always been particularly open about them, as well as the fact that I’ve always been acutely aware of the stigma attached to bisexuality (several people I know refuse to acknowledge that it even exists). And, of course, there’s the fact that I’m married to a man.
More often than not, telling someone that I’m actually bisexual results in the response “well, you’re not anymore. You’re married”, and it is absolutely infuriating. If I’m completely honest, in a purely sexual sense, I prefer women. The kisses are softer, the sex never hurts and I just really, really love to give women head. I just so happen to be head over heels in love with a man because, shock horror, being bisexual means I enjoy both genders; the preference towards women just means that my poor husband probably doesn’t get as many blow jobs as he’d like.
The thing is, my desire for women hasn’t been switched off because I now have sex with one man and one man only. If anything, it’s slightly heightened because the actual ability to go out and satisfy it is demonstrably absent. However, I do believe that this would also be true if I were in a relationship with a woman instead. The main problem with being bisexual and in a committed relationship is that no partner is going to have all of the bits that you find attractive. So yes, I still consider myself to be bisexual. My husband still considers me to be bisexual. I am still bisexual.
Who my regular sexual partner is doesn’t define my sexuality. I was never a lesbian when I had stages of only sleeping with women, and I am not straight now that I’ve married a man. I’m sure that people going through a dry spell wouldn’t appreciate being told that they’re now asexual, so why should that rule be applied to me? Perhaps it’s because a lot of people still believe that bisexual people simply haven’t made up their minds yet and ‘picked a side’, or maybe it’s just that people believe I’ll have more chance of staying faithful if I identify myself on the straight and narrow from now on; that being bisexual means I have to have one of each gender on the go at any one time.
Truth is, I don’t know why people have such a hard time getting their heads around it, but for those who do, I’ll put it into simple terms: I am still very much a proud, bisexual woman. I’m just one who fell completely in love with one particular person of male definition, and discovered them to have more to offer than all of the women in all of the world.
If you enjoyed this blog, please do check out her own blog, as well as the other guest blog she wrote for me about sex after a c-section. You should also have a look at BiUK – the UK organisation for bisexual research and activism.