As far as guest blog pitches go, I don’t think I’ve had any more unusual than the one which went ‘I know someone who’s fucked a rollercoaster and she might be up for writing about it – interested?’ OMG YES. More interested than you can possibly imagine. I’ve had sexy bus vibrations and more than my fair share of train horn, but nothing – NOTHING – I have experienced can compete with the powerful, G-force sexiness of @glitter_brawl‘s rollercoaster sex. Enjoy.
Air at Alton Towers: I fucked a rollercoaster
For as long as I can remember, I’ve enjoyed a weird fuck. When I was younger, after the word “masturbate” had entered my vocabulary (but before I wanted anyone else touching my cooch) I would search the house for things I could use to get myself off. Anything. I couldn’t get enough of that weird tingling explosion that felt a bit like needing a wee (but so much better), that sort of forced you to hold your breath, go all shuddery and magically make your bits wet.
I fucked pillows and shower heads and the handles of hairbrushes. Anything that buzzed was fair game; phones?: Check. Electric toothbrush? (Head removed, carefully washed before and after): Check. An oral b Hummingbird tooth flosser? Check (this was basically my first bullet vibe – I would sneak it to school in my bag – it never flossed a tooth in its life). The air pump from the bubble lamp in my room? Yeah, why not? If it vibrated, it went on my clit. I also loved wanking in inappropriate places; it’s not that I’m an exhibitionist, as such, I just love the thrill of a furious “oh god I could get caught” fumble with myself.
I’m not just writing a humble brag about the number of orgasms I gave myself in the early 00s; this wank down memory lane serves as an explanation for things to come. You see, even though I’ve discovered that other humans can make me come just as much as inanimate objects (and, indeed, that some inanimate objects are designed exclusively to pleasure me) I still look around for opportunities to fuck something unexpected. They say that if you believe in love at first sight then you never stop looking. The same is very much true of humping something unusual.
Which brings me on to Air. My weirdest wank.
She’s 20 metres high and travels at 75km/hour, which easily puts her in the category of “extreme” sex toys. She will fuck you in broad daylight, surrounded by strangers, and nobody else will be any the wiser. This isn’t a slow, indulgent fuck: it’s dirty, fast and frankly well worth the queue time.
I’ll be blunt, whilst it is possible to fuck a rollercoaster (as you’re about to find out) it’s damn near impossible to make it sound even faintly erotic. So, naturally, I’m going to have a go anyway.
You slide into a seat with a ridge down the middle. It separates your legs slightly, and you can feel it rise between your inner thighs. Next, you pull on your harness. Its rubberised plastic pushes tightly on the side of your tits, and firmly around your waist. Simultaneously, a separate harness slides across your ankles, rendering you entirely immobile. That’s when the real magic happens. Air, you see, is a flying roller coaster: as in, it simulates flight. Once you are safely harnessed, she tilts you forward so that you are facing the ground. You hang, helpless; the ridge in the seat forcing your thighs apart, gravity causing your clit to nestle perfectly against it. Your tits are squeezed against the chest restraint, and there’s nothing you can do. For the next two minutes (that’s all you’ll need) you’re all hers.
She’s not your typical white-knuckle ride, but she will thrill you in countless other ways. She throws you around corners, corkscrews and undulates. As this happens, your thighs grip the ridge in the seat, and your clit is constantly stimulated by the movement of the coaster. Even during quieter moments (when you’re being pulled up high on a chain mechanism) she doesn’t disappoint; the vibration carries through your harness and seat – it’s the pulse of a vibrator, but for your entire body. And it’s perfect.
I usually find myself coming during the juddering break run, as the train heads back into towards the station. There are a few moments of dizzying vibration as the carriage slows down, and no unexpected twists or turns so I can concentrate on the sensations being carried through the harness, and grinding my pussy hard against the seat. There’s barely time to catch my breath before pulling onto the platform filled with her next eager riders. She releases my ankles, and my torso; I step off, my smile wide, my hair post-coital. Then I consider re-joining the queue.
It may not be the most obvious sexy encounter, but that’s the joy of it. You don’t usually go on a rollercoaster expecting to have an orgasm, it’s just a bonus when you do. And that’s why I will always keep an eye (or, more accurately, my thighs) open for unexpected opportunities – you never know where a surprise wank will sneak up on you.
If you’d like to (almost) experience Air for yourself, here’s a POV video of the ride.