Oh happy day! I have acquired the greatest thing! It is amazing and sexy and it lives in my house now, and never again shall I forget how much it means to me! After a suspiciously successful visit to Ikea I now have the best bed for sex – a metal framed one with a headboard – that I can hook my toes behind while I get vigorously fucked.
When I moved in to my own flat, about ten years ago, one of the first things I invested in was a decent bed. That bed was the best bed for sex that I have ever owned. It was made of solid metal, with a headboard and footboard that both had poles to which I could be strapped or chained, and with which I could brace myself during a shag.
That bed gave me plenty of happy times.
When I met my current partner, he also had a great bed for sex, with a metal headboard to which I could be strapped while getting strenuously fucked. In fact, that bed was the site of one of our favourite sexual discoveries: the realisation that he could tie my ankles together then make a rudimentary pulley system by feeding the rope around one of the poles of the headboard. I would lie down, legs folded back against my body and ankles just above my head, and he could kneel at exactly the right place to slide his dick neatly into me.
That’s just the set-up though. The main event was that in this position, he could absolutely hammer his cock in – more robustly and aggressively than in any other position, all the while yanking on the rope to keep my legs straight, causing my cunt to squeeze him with something akin to a death grip.
It. Was. Fantastic.
When we moved in to our new house, for reasons that are now lost in the mists of time, we settled for an appalling divan bed with no headboard. What that means is that for the last NEARLY TWO YEARS I have been lamenting how terrible our bed is to fuck in, and unable to hook my feet behind the crossbar of a headboard while we bang.
It doesn’t mean we haven’t had good sex, don’t get me wrong. Most of our sex is had in other rooms of the house, and we reserve the bedroom for post-bath fucking or sleep-fucking or on occasions when we have guests who hamper our ability to bang in the lounge.
How do you fuck in a bed with no headboard?
Even in the terrible divan bed, we have come up with a few solutions to get round the problem of no headboard. The mightiest of which – and you’re welcome for this, by the way – is a position in which I bend my knees, spread my legs as wide as possible, then bring my feet together and rest them against his hips. I can use my thigh strength to hold him up while he fucks me, leaving his hands free to squeeze my tits or pinch my nipples or wrap round my throat, and my own hands free to wank myself off with a Zumio or Doxy Number 3.
Which is awesome, sure. In fact it’s so awesome that the morning after we discovered it we had to try it again just to check it wasn’t a fluke. In the morning! I usually hate morning sex: how could we be expected to do exercise before we’ve had coffee?
But although the ‘hold him up with my feet’ position is one I’d describe as ‘exceptional’ while we’re doing it, when it comes time to disengage and mop up the gallons of spunk that are now dribbling down my arse crack, I find myself suddenly unable to straighten my legs without a quick trip into a world of intense pain. I’m not sure what punishment I’m delivering to my body exactly, but I do know that all the tendons and muscles in my hip area scream at me as if to say “GOTN! Stop getting distracted by how much you love this position, because maintaining it for the entire duration of a shag is causing us a shitload of grief!”
On top of that, it’s not very visually impressive, because with my knees spread but feet together I look like a roadsquashed frog.
My creaky hips can thank me now, though, because I have bought a bed with a headboard! Such joy!
The best bed for sex makes more positions possible
While I have to admit that the exact model I have isn’t quite the best bed for sex (it’s this one – still a little too flimsy compared to my old bed, but it was ridiculously cheap, so fuck it), positions that are now possible include (but I’m sure are not limited to):
- The One Where He Ties My Ankles To The Headboard Then Yanks On The Rope To Maintain His Own Balance While He Rails Me.
- The One Where I Hook My Toes Behind The Top Rail Of The Headboard So He Can Fuck Me While I’m Crushed Up Like A Pretzel.
- The One Where I Go On Top, With My Feet Planted Either Side Of His Hips, And Use The Top Rail Of The Headboard As A Balance Bar So I Can Swing Up And Down Hard Onto His Dick.
- The One Where I Am Restrained By My Wrists To The Headboard So He Can Put Nipple Clamps On Me And Fuck Me Hard So My Jiggling Tits Make The Chains Rattle.
And as an added bonus which has nothing to do with the headboard, our new bed is a good 4 inches lower than our old one, so when I kneel at the bottom corner of it with my face buried in the duvet and my back arched so I’m presenting my arse and cunt to him, I just happen to be at the exact right height for him to slide his dick perfectly inside.
Am I overreacting to this? Is the general horror of our politics, and the panic induced by our dying planet simply causing me to cling desperately to even the smallest of joys? Perhaps. But I have to have something to grasp to keep me stable in these troubled times, so I’m glad I can cling to my new headboard. By my toes… On my back…
While I get vigorously, brutally banged.