Unlike with suck jobs, I’m going to launch into this piece without any preamble whatsoever: here are five different ways to suck a dick. There are many more ways to suck a dick than this, but these are the first 5 types of blow job that popped into my head. Feel free to expand in the comments, I am always keen to share knowledge with other expert cocksuckers.
The ‘bells and whistles’ blow job
We’re starting with the best, and by ‘best’ I mean my favourite. This is the blow job you give someone when you’ve all the time in the world. The one you settle down for, making sure you’re both as comfortable as possible. There’s water beside the bed (stay hydrated!), pillows so the blowee can prop their head up and make eye contact during the good parts, and there’s definitely – definitely – a playlist. The ‘bells and whistles’ blow job is not necessarily about making someone come, it’s about showing someone a fabulous time, ideally for a long time.
This is the blow job where you put into practice everything you’ve learned during previous explorations of their body: how firmly or gently it likes to be touched, the specific pressure-points to hit to give them the most intense sexy shivers, and the sidenote flourishes that have them twitching for more. Those flourishes might be as simple as a squeeze of the balls or two fingers applied roughly to their perineum. It could be eye contact and a gagging noise as their cock head hits the back of your throat. Your hands gripping their thighs so tight they leave tiny little bruises. it could be nipple pinches or a cheeky hawk-tuah. It could be all of the above. Whatever your tricks are, though, this is the blow job where you show ’em all off.
Not haphazardly, though, we aren’t amateurs. With the bells and whistles blow job, you’re not just ticking off tricks one by one and tuning yourself in to the responses, you’re using the responses to inform poetic symmetry in your next action. To build the action to a climax.
When I describe giving a decent blow job, the metaphor I use most often is a song. Perhaps that’s because I have a penchant for sucking dick to music: taking the tone of the tune on the stereo as inspiration for the art I’m gonna make right here in somebody’s crotch. Rhythmic and repetitive or lilting and slow, it’s more satisfying to me to have something I can riff off while I’m sucking. And music reminds you that you can’t just go at it all guns blazing from start to finish. The best songs aren’t just five rounds of climactic chorus, after all. You need to build and release. Like a track with winding verses that drives louder until you hit the bridge, or a poem that uses staccato syllables to assert rhythm that speeds up as the poem goes on.
With a bells and whistles blow job, you layer tricks one on top of the other, and alternate them in patterns. In my head these patterns look like stanzas in a poem or verses in a song. They repeat and echo, but each time are slightly different, until the refrain – the part you know is causing your partner to make the best ‘oh god yes’ noises – starts to seem more urgent. So you layer it in more often, still making sure to break off occasionally to tease with other movements, speeds or pressures, before circling back to it again. And again. More frequently. Turning that longform wave into multiple short ones, as they squirm and whimper beneath you, desperately hoping that the next time you launch into the chorus you’ll just keep belting it out.
Over and over.
Until everyone wants to join in.
Yeah. The bells and whistles blow job: my favourite. Settle down, use a curated ‘dick sucking’ playlist (I recommend Portishead, despite the dour whining of Geoff from Portishead), and apply all the dick-sucking tools in your arsenal to give someone a truly memorable experience. Remember the aim of the game is not necessarily to make them come, though that’s lovely. But making someone orgasm – when you know their body well – is more of a science. The main point of a bells and whistles BJ is to make them weep at the beauty of your art.
Olympic blow job
CN: this section will talk deep throat. Skip that if it squicks you out.
This is the blow job you do so you can show off that you have the ability, but it’s probably not one you’re gonna roll out all the time because – like running a marathon or cycling the London to Brighton – it’s impressive on occasion but awful for you and tedious for your loved ones if you made a point of doing it every day. These blow jobs usually involve a physical challenge, and realistically, 90% of the time, that means it’s a ‘gag reflex’ thing. For me, at any rate, an Olympic blow job is usually one that involves swallowing more of the cock than I can usually take.
Most of the time, when I suck a dick, I’m focusing on the head. Not exclusively, of course, though shoutout to the partner who scoffed in my face when I told him I sometimes try to swallow all of the dick:
“I have a dick, and I’ve sucked a lot of dicks,” he told me with a sneer. “No one gives a shit how much of their dick you can swallow: we only want you to pay attention to the head.”
He was a horrible prick. Not to mention wrong. I’ve known plenty of men who want me to do my best deep throat. Perhaps ‘deep throat‘ is primarily a degradation thing, and as a mostly-top dude this guy didn’t get with men who found it sexy to demean him in this way. I prefer to believe he was just terrible at giving head. But although in the moment I deferred to him (I’m a people-pleaser), the people I’ve fucked since would happily assure him – and you – that ‘deep throat’ is definitely a thing. Although everyone’s tastes will naturally be different, I’ve sucked enough dick in my time to know that being able to open your throat and suppress your gagging so you can really go to town on the depth is a trick many recipients appreciate.
The ‘Olympic’ blow job, for you, might involve holding your breath or performing a particular trick with your tongue or lips that means you tire quite quickly, but for me an ‘Olympic’ blow job usually means me lying with my head off the side of the bed and him fucking my throat almost as hard as he’d usually fuck me in the cunt.
It is painful, difficult, and impressive. Like sports.
Note: I don’t ever ever expect anyone else to do this, and you shouldn’t either. As you shouldn’t expect your partner to win gold at the Olympics, so you should never expect them to let you fuck their throat like it’s a different hole. I suspect there might be important medical reasons not to do this, but I haven’t bothered looking them up because I am lazy and horny. Don’t do as I say or as I do, do better things. I believe in you.
The exploratory blow job
One of the reasons I don’t get excited about casual sex is that I don’t think you can really get stuck into the joy of shagging if you know you’re only going to do a tiny bit of it. Not only do you not have time to learn what the other person likes, you’re also not able to develop and iterate on ideas. Fundamentally, if I’m having casual sex with someone, the blow job I give them will be this one. It’s not a terrible one, by any means, but the whole point of it is to lay foundations that ideally I want to build upon later.
During the exploratory blow job, I’m essentially just testing out a bunch of different techniques and paying attention to your responses. Do you twitch in my mouth when I run my tongue over your frenulum? Are you pushing my head because you want me to swallow more of you? Do you tense up as if to say ‘no thanks’ when I cup your balls? Do you meet my eye contact when I look up, or do you close your eyes to melt into the moment, uncomfortable with such direct vulnerability? There is a lot to pay attention to when you’re playing: you’re trying to learn what this new dick likes, so you flick through a range of movements.
The exploratory blow job is not just for new dicks, though. Sometimes I’m sucking an old dick but I’ve had a new idea. So I’ll start to tease around the edges of this new idea, folding certain motions or additions in to my usual ‘bells and whistles’ routine, but paying extra attention to how and whether they land.
You could say ‘just ask!’ and you’d be right to do so: I love asking partners how they like to have their dick sucked, and as a ‘words’ person myself, I think verbal communication is the best comms there is. However. Not everyone is comfortable articulating their needs with the kind of precision I’d like, and certainly most people aren’t able to elucidate the exact details of how they want someone to suck them off. Besides, although consent is obviously vital and communication is key in all sex, often you don’t even know what you want till you’ve experienced it. And if someone, say, starts twisting their hand from the base of your cock upwards while their lips are on the head, or timing their strokes so they sync with the music in the background to give you a vague pleasure-synaesthesia, or breaks off to smile at you before deliberately letting a string of drool fall from their grinning mouth and onto the wet shaft of your just-sucked prick… I think those are little details that you might not know you want unless and until you’ve experienced them.
You need consent for anything wildly outside of what you’d normally do, of course, but some technique tweaks are best worked through with experimentation.
Tempting them to fuck
I love this type of blow job so much because it starts with a flaccid cock. Someone’s partly in the mood, or deeply in the mood but their body isn’t playing ball, and you get to take their warm, willing, velvet-soft dick into your mouth and just toy with it on your tongue. Pressing your wet lips into the shaft of it and experiencing so much more give than is usual. Rolling your tongue round the head while it’s still enrobed in the foreskin. Fitting so much more of it inside your mouth than you’d get if it were at full mast.
And then – ah, then – as you play with it and suck at it and lick and tease and kiss it, it begins to get hard. Usually I’ll only realise this when it’s well past the point of softness. I’ll be distracted by how lovely it feels to squish that dick between my lips and suddenly I’ll realise – with a combination of disappointment and delight – that there’s way less squish than there was a couple of minutes ago. Then I get that tempting choice: do I switch to the ‘bells and whistles’, or do I keep sucking till it’s rigid and then sit on it? Ice cream or sorbet? Dairy Milk or Galaxy? Winning the lottery or fucking Billie-Joe from Green Day?
Decisions, decisions.
Half a blow job
Second only to the ‘bells and whistles’, this is my favourite type of blow job to give, and it’s the one that prompted me to write this blog post in the first place. In conversation with a dick-owning friend of mine recently, I mentioned half sucking a dick and he was utterly and hilariously horrified that it was something I do on purpose. But I do, and I’m not even secret about why: if you half-suck somebody’s dick, giving them the full ‘bells and whistles’ treatment but stopping before they manage to come, you have just secured yourself a full day of eager, maybe even urgent sexual playfulness.
If you build and release, build and release, build and release till their balls are brim-full with cum they are desperate to feed you, but stop before they get the chance to pump it into your mouth… this person will likely spend the rest of the day fixating on when that release might happen. You’ve half-sucked their dick, then paused and given them a filthy grin with the promise: we’ll finish this later.
Or as I put it when I explained this trick to my appalled friend: “If I half suck his dick, I can guarantee that for the rest of the day, that particular boy won’t be mean to me.”