Confidence is sexy but…

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

My partner told me recently that ‘confidence is sexy’, and I nearly fell off my chair. Confidence, is sexy, you say? Wow, I wish someone had told me twenty years ago, because if I’d known I’d definitely have magicked up some confidence rather than deliberately chosen to be awkward and ashamed of the way I am…

Most guys I’ve fucked have told me, at some point, that confidence is sexy. It’s a common thing, this assurance that if you could only be confident then you’ll be able to rock the world no matter what you’re wearing or how you’re feeling or what mean things other people might have said about your hairdo. I agree wholeheartedly with the main point – I’ve written before about how hot it is to get fucked by a guy who knows just how smoking he is – and I’m certainly guilty of trotting out ‘confidence is sexy!’ as if somehow just expressing it out loud will give someone the faith in themselves that they need.

But it’s easy to say ‘confidence is sexy’, much harder to say things that actually instil confidence in someone. Because alongside this motivational truth, many guys have told me other things as well…

Confidence is sexy! But I don’t like those jeans, wear these ones.

Confidence is sexy! But when you drink you’re too loud, so maybe tone it down a little, yeah?

Confidence is sexy! But please shave your cunt.

Confidence is sexy! But too much confidence is intimidating.

Confidence is sexy! But we could both do with losing a bit of weight, don’t you think?

Confidence is sexy! But the great thing about women who are smaller than you is you can pick them up and fuck them against a wall.

Confidence is sexy! But you know I hate it when you wear those shorts, so why haven’t you thrown them out?

Confidence is sexy! But I wish you could be a bit more feminine.

Confidence is sexy! But do you really have to wear that/say that/do that/feel that/look like that/be like that/fuck/wobble/laugh/dance/sing like that?

How to be confident and sexy

Confidence is like a water tank with lots of different pipes feeding into it. One of the pipes might be my own self-image: if I look in the mirror and see someone hot, confidence will splash through and top up my overall supply. If I get a compliment from a friend, more will drip into the tank and I can smile without feeling awkward.  Compliments from lovers fill my tank up too – and the fuller my tank, the better my swagger.

But it’s not just a one-way system: if I fuck something up, or feel down, or if my anxiety is bad, those things all poke little holes in my tank, from which confidence steadily drips away. The level starts to drop, and drop, and drop… until I’m almost running on empty.

Just telling me confidence is sexy won’t top up my tank, and it certainly won’t plug the holes that are already there.Being ordered to be ‘confident’ is like being ordered to be ‘happy’ – just saying it out loud makes it harder for someone to do, and the show they’ll put on to pretend that they are puts another hole in their already leaky tank.

So if you find confidence sexy, by all means say so, but be aware of all the little ways in which you knock people down – deliberately or by accident. Remember that confidence can’t just be conjured from thin air: it has to be built over time. If you want someone to be confident, don’t tell them they should be – tell them why they’re hot and cool and funny and good and kind and sexy. Don’t just tell them they need a full tank: help them top it up.

And if you can’t manage that, at least try not to poke new holes in the bottom of it.


  • Curly Hair says:

    “Don’t just tell them they need a full tank: help them top it up.”

    Yes, this is so true.

  • Zebra Rose says:

    Confidence is sexy! So DO have confidence in your brilliant writing, your wisdom and insight, and your generousity in sharing them with the rest of us. May your tank never be depleted

  • Jen says:

    Ugh this is a total bugbear of mine too! And from the perspective of things like women’s magazines, that constantly espouse this way of life as well… while at the same time filling their pages with articles and ads for slimming products, hair removal, pants that suck you in and bras that lift you up, where do go for the best botox/fillers/facials (the list goes on and on) and only ever using models who are slim and beautiful. And I think this generally applies to a society as a whole.

    But confidence IS sexy so I’ll get working on that!

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