Hear ye, hear ye: some texts I sent after I got laid

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

A selection of text messages I sent a while ago to spread some important news (I got laid).

Mate, I got SO LAID last night.


I fucked a man! I was so worried because it’s been A Long Time but it was INCREDIBLE!


Glad tidings of great news, Claire! I had sex with a man and it was BRILLIANT. Genuinely brilliant, so delighted. How are you?


I am excited to see you on Friday – I have so much bragging to do about the sex I had this week (for three DAYS) with an extremely hot friend from my distant past.


GUESS WHAT?! I had sex. It was BRILLIANT.


I had sex with a man! A human man! I expected awkwardness and/or disappointment but it was SUPER HOT and really playful and good.


Seeing as you’re in my timeline, you have reminded me to tell you my NEWS. I had sex. With a man. LOADS OF TIMES. He’s still here, we’re gonna do it again! WOOOOOO


Mate I got LAID. An old mate came to visit and we got super high and did really playful fucking.


I’m OK thanks, had a friend come to visit and was a bit nervous that we might not get on as well as we used to because we haven’t seen each other for years. But we’re having a brilliant time! Got pretty drunk yesterday, might go out for lunch today, having a fab time catching up. How are you mum? xxx


A few of these have been edited to remove identifying details, but other than that they’re exactly as I sent them – call me desperate, innit. My friends and family are extremely tolerant of me, and I am very grateful to them. 

Please feel free to share any and all of your ‘I got laid’ bragging texts in the comments below. I live for this eager, happy shit. Don’t share other people’s texts without their permission, though. #consent 

1 Comment

  • James says:

    Sorry I didn’t answer my phone when you called. I was knee deep in the middle of something. Well, actually balls deep. :-)

    …a few minutes later. …and after another incoming call.

    I didn’t pick up this time, because she’s starting up the shower and is eager for me to join her. I’ll catch up with you another day to answer your needy questions.

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