Here’s a kiss I’d really love to have: the oh-fuck-we’re-about-to-miss-our-tube kiss when we get kicked out of the pub at closing time, having overstayed our welcome because we got stuck into a fun discussion. We know that we both want to fuck but early morning meetings make that impossible tonight, so we give each other the kind of snog that’ll leave the other person hungry for next week’s follow-up liaison. That’s one of the kisses I’m hoping for when you message me on a dating site.
This post is brought to you by Violet Fawkes’ brilliant ‘January Jumpstart’ meme – Violet has provided 31 writing prompts to kickstart sex bloggers and give us ideas throughout the first month of 2023. Frankly, extremely heroic behaviour and I’m very grateful to her. I was struggling for ideas at the start of the month so I had a flip through, and 6th January’s prompt caught my eye: tell the story of a kiss that never happened. Here’s a post about a whole bunch of them.
The kiss we have when we’re lying in hazy post-shag joy on the sofa, touching each other’s bodies with soft, trailing fingers. Wet with sweat. Hurting with satisfaction. The kind of kiss that has me laser-focused on the sensation of your tongue in my mouth to try and distract my body from the ache in my well-fucked cunt.
When you contact me on a dating site, I’m hoping we’ll get to that kiss at some point. That’s the one I’m hoping for when your message comes in. But it’s hard to picture us having this kiss if you only ever ask me two questions, one of which is ‘how are you?’ and the other is ‘what are you up to?’
More kisses, then, to tempt you into trying a little harder. How about the kiss we have just before I peg you for the first time? When you’re shy and nervous and captured-rabbit trembly. When you’re lying on the bed and I’m straddling your thighs, giving gentle sucks and bites to your nipples, tracing kisses up and down your body as we talk about how you want it to go – what position you’d like to be in when I finger your ass for the first time, and whether you feel nervous about me sliding in my slim silicone cock. A firm, warm kiss planted on your neck as I grip your own dick in my hand and murmur reassurance to let you know I’ll take it slowly.
These are the kisses I’m angling for when I tell you that I can’t agree to a date just because we exchanged three messages. I need more to go on than just “You’re pretty! How’s your Thursday?”. I need you to be curious about me. These kisses don’t magically appear just because we both ticked the ‘pegging’ box on our profile.
I’d love to give you proper kisses, ones imbued with meaning. Like the kiss I dispense when I get back from traveling – a week haring around on my bike, or partying at a festival with friends, missing your face and your voice and the way that you fuck me. This kiss is just a quick peck on the cheek, but it’s all the more delicious for that. A quick one is all I can manage because I’m on my way to lay my head on your shoulder, press my whole body against you and let out a strong, deep sigh. This kiss is only swift because I’m far too eager to wrap you in the tightest of ‘so glad I’m home’ hugs.
I long so much for these kisses – they’re what I’m hoping for when your first message pops up in my inbox. These kisses are what I’m looking for hints of when I scroll through your profile text. But there are obstacles standing in the way of these kisses, and if you’re asking me to go for a drink before you’ve learned anything significant about me? Then I’m sorry to break it to you, but you are one of those obstacles. I’ve spent far too much of my life sitting across pub tables from men who ask me nothing, so if all you’ve ever asked me before we meet is ‘how are you?’ and ‘shall we go for a drink?’ then we can never get close enough to share this kind of kiss.
Lest this all sound too focused on love, let me be clear: I’m eager for casual kisses too. Like the ones we give each other at the start of a Friday night for which we’ve both cleared our diaries so we can get high and chat shit and shag. Friends – not partners – but friends who like to fuck each other. Friends who text each other sometimes to say ‘hey, I haven’t done anal in a while and I’m hankering after it – do you fancy some?’ and then ‘the shop near me has that weird ramen you like so I bought it. Ate some. It’s horrible. You disgust me’ or ‘had the most fucked-up Tinder date last night, I’m gonna tell you about it when we hang and you can console me.’ The kisses those friends exchange just before they fuck. The ones which could either get intense and horny or be broken by someone making a silly joke that kills the mood. It’s OK to kill the mood, when you’re kissing like this, because these kisses are the ones you have when you know you’ll have the chance to kiss again in a few minutes.
I’d adore this kind of kiss, I live for these kinds of friendships. But I can’t have them with the guy who, when prompted to engage me a little more on whether we might be compatible, asks me only whether I’d be up for ‘messy’ anal, but asks nothing about my own kinks in return.
I want the kiss you give me when I’ve proved I’m a very good girl: choking down your cock while one of your friends rails me from behind, beating me till I squeal and making brutal use of whichever hole you allow him. The kiss which begins with you tilting my chin up towards you and commenting on my drool-and-tear-slicked face – what a slut it makes me look – and then continues with you telling me to open my mouth so you can spit in it. Dumping saliva dismissively onto my waiting tongue, before jamming your lips against mine. Like you’ve paid me to love you, and you want to get your money’s worth.
Reckon you can deliver a kiss like this? Prove it. Send me a message that shows you’re interested. Not interested in fucking (we’re ALL here to fuck, my friend!), but interested in me. Ask me questions that will tell you whether I’m the sort of person you could see yourself losing control with. Shedding inhibitions with. Giggling with and playing with and for fuck’s sake why do I have to say this so explicitly?… connecting with! If all you can muster in a text conversation is ‘how are you doing?’, then you’ll never be one of the men who can kiss me like this, you’re just one who wastes my time and energy while I’m trying to find those other guys.
The kiss we have after a threesome, that seeks to both reassure and congratulate after a sociable night well-spent on mutual depravity.
These kinds of kisses don’t take skill, or jumping through hoops – they just take time and effort and connection. So no matter how great our first date, we probably haven’t invested enough in those things to justify you texting me two days before our second one telling me to ‘bring a friend!’
The kiss we have just after you take the piss out of me, when I’m crying with laughter because your critique is bang on, but I’m feigning annoyance because I know you’ll find it funnier if we can build this into a ‘bit’.
Sometimes people ask me what I tell men on dating sites about my job, and I laugh because it’s genuinely hilarious that they reckon men are curious enough that I’d ever need to go to the trouble of actively hiding it. My job only ever comes up because I usually ask about theirs, and occasionally – very occasionally – they ask what I do in return. For what it’s worth I say ‘copywriter’. They never press for any more info.
The kiss you lay on my tits in the total darkness of 3am: the one that makes my nipples stiffen instantly and compels me to acknowledge that despite my initial assessment, I’m actually not too tired to fuck after all.
“So are we gonna go for that drink?”
The kiss you plant on my head when I lean in for a hug after a terrible day.
“Nice pics!”
The kiss you give me that is so firm and slow I find myself letting out a little whimper as you do it.
“Hey!”
I want to kiss you, I really do. But it’s hard to kiss a man who cannot see me.
This post is based off actual interactions that I have had in the past year, anonymised and mixed up a bit for anonymity. See? I have been trying, it’s just really rare for someone to make it to the pages of this blog. Related: I have now deleted my online dating profile and I’m going to try some analogue dating in 2023 – wish me luck. Huge thanks again to Violet Fawkes for the prompt – if you’d like to join in, check out some of the awesome prompts, and link up your January Jumpstart posts here.
15 Comments
Hi GOTN,
Thank you for another insightful and deeply personal blog.
Sounds like you’ve had a rough time with guys – they sound like have no manners and aren’t capable of making any effort, hope you get better luck in 2023 – you deserve it.
Cheers Terry, that’s really kind of you to say! To be honest I’m reluctant to say the men are bad or rude – they’re broadly nice, and friendly, they just aren’t interested in me (and don’t seem to see that). I hope there’ll be more fun opportunities to meet people in different ways this year =)
Wow. Brilliantly written, and sad. :(
And probably somewhat familiar to a lot of us… certainly to anyone who exchanges messages with guys online.
Good luck with the ‘analogue dating’ instead! Thinking of trying the same thing myself…
Ah thank you SCS! And best of luck to you as well! I hope your year brings you close to lots of cute people who you can ask out!
Good luck with the offline dating this year.
I’ve deleted the apps several times, but I always end up going back for more. I had an easier time quitting smoking.
They’re just so efficient though. I mean, IRL, I’m lucky if meet half a dozen available people I’m interested in over the course of a year.
Online, I can be disappointed and rejected dozens of time over the course of a single night in.
You can’t argue with stats like that.
Dozens of times in a single night? So you’re sending out dozens of messages? I’m not sure I understand tbh – are you genuinely interested in all of those people? What app are you on – do they have detailed profiles? How do you find so many people who you’re interested in?? I’d love to know a bit more – I’m thirsty for the opportunity to be disappointed and rejected, but the way things are at the moment, I’m struggling to get any rejections at all because none of the men show enough interest in me for me to even ask if they want to go for a drink.
This is awesome and true. I have made friendships, deep proper friendships with guys I met on apps. We have in jokes and know each other though we haven’t been able to get diaries to match for this ten man thing yet. We share memes for fucks sake. When I do kiss them, and I will, I’m looking for a “nice to FINALLY* meet you person. Now fuck me in the arse” kiss.
Sorry, it was an attempt at self depreciating humour, which obviously fell flat on its face.
I actually get rejected more like once a week.
And for what it’s worth, back on the old OK Cupid, I actually could find 12 people in a evening who looked interesting and message them. It doesn’t take that long to read profile and go “hey, I see you like basket weaving, what interested you in that?”.
If I got the matches, I could totally do that on tinder. Frankly I’m appalled by how little effort people in, what I just described is bare minimum surely?
Did you notice any difference in effort levels between when you messaged first and when they did?
Oh yeah the old OKC was perfect for this, and I had similar experiences. I was genuinely devastated when I got back on it again after breaking up with my ex – so much had changed for the worse, and it became extremely difficult to find anyone compatible. I met one guy on it (who I am still seeing) but broadly I was getting such weird matches I gave up on that one eventually. It was a very very lucky break that I found that guy, total fluke that I’m very grateful for.
Sorry for killing your joke, that’s my bad. I think I just find it difficult when men tell me they’re getting rejected a lot of the time (especially off the back of a post like this) because what I’m hoping to communicate here is that I am desperate – DESPERATE, genuinely, I choose that word with care – to not reject men. When they contact me, I am not keen to reject or ignore them, I am desperate to say ‘yes’, and actively trying to open opportunities for them to give me a reason to. And then I am just so often confronted with a brick wall of indifference – it makes me feel like they’re not looking for me, they’re looking for ‘a woman’ and I just happen to be one right in front of them. What you’ve described is the bare minimum, yeah, and it’s not very inspiring or the kind of thing that’d make me want to message back, but it’s still more than a lot of the people who are contacting me give. I would message back anyone who asked a specific question about something in my profile.
But broadly even the guys who do that will often descend into nothing – sending me messages that are just responses to my questions and nothing more. Like they’ve done one question, and that should be enough. I have a blanket rule that if someone’s message doesn’t include a question of any kind, unless it’s a really engaging conversation then I’ll probably drop it. What I’m looking for is someone who’s genuinely interested in me – who asks follow-ups or for more info. Someone who wants to learn a bit about who I am, and share a bit about who they are, and who is (like me) seeking genuine connection and compatibility. A date shouldn’t just be something we have because we’ve got vaguely matching sexual desires, but something we have because we started an interesting chat over messaging and we’d like to continue it in person.
No more difference in effort levels when I message – it still often descends into ‘how are you *today*?’. As I say, I have had some luck and I’ve been on a few dates in the last year, which just didn’t work out/turn into friendships/relationships for various reasons, but yeah it just doesn’t feel like the best way to meet people right now. Maybe the culture of dating has changed since I did it last, or maybe that’s an old OKC vs New App I Was Trying thing, but it just feels a bit meh.
Have you ever tried Speed Dating ?
You are at least guaranteed to meet several human beings face to face, and have some form of conversation.
It’s remarkable how quickly you can pick up on good vibes and form a connection.
It’s also amazing how long 3 minutes can be with some people.
Haha I haven’t but I’ve always wanted to! This is one of the things on my list to try =) Even if I don’t meet anyone I hit it off with, it sounds fun!
It’s OK, it wasn’t a very good joke.
>>”What you’ve described is … not very inspiring or the kind of thing that’d make me want to message back”
HEY! that’s my A-game you’re insulting there.
I can see why men complaining about endless rejection would get your hackles up, when so many of your potential suitors put in so little effort. Although it does feel like the one common factor we all share when it comes to OLD is that no one of any gender seems to like it very much. I’m sure there’s someone out there who loves OLD and thinks it’s great, but I haven’t read their blog.
>> But broadly even the guys who do that will often descend into nothing – sending me messages that are just responses to my questions and nothing more.
I just find this totally bizarre. If a woman I was messaging was enthusiastically contributing to the conversation, I’d be falling over myself to keep the conversation interesting and engaging. What the hell is wrong with these people?
I’d be absolutely fascinated to sit down with one of these blokes and hear what their thinking is. If they only send one word answers to your questions, and never engage beyond that, how do they actually expect this to play out? What’s in their heads?
Assuming that they don’t all have so many options on these apps that they can’t make much effort with any one in particular, The only explanation I can think of is that they are so embittered and worn down by it all that they just can’t be fucked putting in more than the bare minimum. But in that case, why not just get off the app entirely?
“I’d be falling over myself to keep the conversation interesting and engaging. What the hell is wrong with these people?” Ah well we must keep the possibility open that I’m boring as fuck ;-)
One of my theories is that there are a lot of men on dating sites who think a match is basically a date in the bag, so they don’t want to say too much before the date in case they fuck it up. Or they’re just genuinely not interested in me, and do not yet realise that they shouldn’t be trying to date a woman they’re not interested in. Another possibility, honestly, I’m just not that great – they are up for chatting to me a bit and slinging a fuck up me if I’m low effort, but if they are going to actively *try* there are far hotter women to pursue. But also we cannot discount that patriarchy has given women a whole bunch of social skills (and then the pressure to be the ones to actively engage others in conversation/draw people out) and thus we’re just better equipped for it. That last one is probably wrong though: the guy who used to be my toyboy has shown me some of his Tinder interactions and holy FUCK the women of his city are lazy messagers too.
I hear you about the embitterment though: one of the reasons I’m stepping away is because I don’t want to become cynical about it and bring that energy to the people I might meet, who are probably very nice and don’t deserve my grumping right now.
Maybe apps are just not the way. I’m gonna go speed dating, chat up the guy in the shop I go to who is DEFINITELY flirting with me, and then offer my friends a cash reward if any of them introduce me to hot single dudes. I met a single dude this weekend, but another single woman had dibs on him so I didn’t pursue it, but the fact that he existed within my orbit was very exciting indeed. Failing that, I’ll run a blog competition where single straight men compete to show off how entirely normal and good at asking questions they are, then I will take the winner out for a slap up meal at my local and a hand job in an alleyway.
Felt all this, particularly the bits recounting the disappointing dating app interactions. I’ll never go on dating apps again, that way lies despair surely. I’d be super interested to hear any stories (successful ones obviously, but actually any) about dating offline, how does that even work any more? How do the young folk meet each other these days? I’m taking a plunge into the unknown next month and participating in a speed dating rope event at my local dojo (that makes it sound like I’m a regular, but this will be my first time there), be interesting to see how that goes. And lastly, now I also hanker desperately for a deep kiss and some kind of connection with it, so thanks for that 😅❤️
I really like this one – the way you’ve structured it really has my fingers itching to get blogging myself. Also, wow, do people who put in such little effort on dating apps actually expect to get anything out of them? I’d be fascinated to know. (And probably horrified, to be honest.)