I’ve mentioned this once or twice before, but never really allowed myself the pleasure of diving into it. I have time today, though, and this topic is all about taking your sweet time. Let’s talk about kissing at the speed of consent.
Right now I am yearning for good first kisses. Ones which show passion and promise. Men who’ll lean in swiftly, eager to seal the deal, are ten a penny. Far rarer are those who are willing to take their time. Here’s how to kiss at the speed of consent.
First thing’s first: show interest. Ask me questions and pay attention to the answers. Yeah, we’re starting this early. I don’t think ‘consent‘ is something you agree in one single moment. Contrary to the popular (but misguided) video, it’s not just like accepting a cup of tea.
If you’re going to ask someone:
“Do you want to kiss me?”
…and receive a truly honest answer, they first need to know a bunch of stuff. Who you are and what you’re like, to work out whether they fancy you. They might want to get a feel for how you kiss, before they decide if they want to do that with you.
You can shortcut this sometimes, with the right people and agreement, but I’m in charge of this topic today and you can’t take the shortcut with me. If you want to truly kiss at the speed of consent, then the interactions we have in the build-up need to be consensual too. A mutual journey of exploration: no rush, no pressure, just curiosity. Open hearts and minds. In messaging on a dating app or casual chat over warm cans of lager at a picnic: show interest, then see if that is reciprocated.
This step is as important as every single other that comes after. You have to pay attention to know whether I truly want you to kiss me. I am only interested in kisses from people who want me specifically. If all you want is ‘a snog’ and anyone will do, then I do not consent to that. Move on.
Consent is a two-way street, so I’d like you to ask yourself where ‘a kiss’ falls on your scale of desire. Is this something you could take or leave, or something you truly long for? I only want you to kiss me if the idea of doing so makes your heart beat faster. And in order to work out whether that’s true, you need to explore your intentions and wants. Don’t waste time trying to calculate whether or not you can score, set your mind to the task of working out how much you want to.
Do you want me? Badly? Utterly?
OK, then let’s proceed.
The next step is to show me that you’re safe. Be flirty and complimentary, but not sexual. Invite me for a drink in a cheap pub, make it low stakes.
Tell me that I can go after a couple of pints and it won’t be a problem. Mean that with your whole heart. Be comfortable in the knowledge that even if you want to kiss me, and vice versa, one or other of us might not be feeling it in the moment and that is OK.
Over drinks, if you decide that you are feeling it, escalate gradually. Pay attention to my words, my gestures, and my responses. Don’t just sit through conversation because you know it’s a necessary step, be curious about the detail of what I’m actually saying. Talk to me. Listen to me. Engage me. Play with me.
The way you converse gives me clues about how you might fuck. Behave accordingly.
When you feel the time is right, that’s when you ask.
“Would you like to kiss?”
Don’t scoff at that, please, I’m not saying it as a Sex Ed ‘consent is sexy’ buzzphrase. I’m saying it because it’s incredibly fucking hot. Ask permission to kiss me. Please.
Please please please.
Maybe even: “please can I kiss you?”
Or: “I really want to kiss you. May I?”
Ask if you can kiss me, then I’ll say ‘yes,’ or more realistically, if you’ve followed these instructions to the letter: “Oh my fucking God yes fucking please”.
That’s when you look into my eyes, and lean in.
Kissing at the speed of consent
You move so slowly to touch my lips with yours that I start to realise I’ve involuntarily parted my own slightly in anticipation. I’m aching for it. Just absolutely humming with desire.
The perfect first kiss is not the one that happens because we’re both tipsy and time is getting on so if we’re gonna seal the deal it should be now before we get any drunker. The perfect first kiss is the one you make me yearn for.
Pulse for.
Whimper for.
The perfect kiss happens at the speed of consent.
You don’t rush in quickly, in case I change my mind. You slow the fuck down, to focus my mind on how much I want you.
Pausing when you’re close to me, so you can look into my eyes. Allowing a flicker of delight to zap between us. If we’re both in tune, and we become aware at the exact same moment that oh holy shit yeah this is about to happen… that can ratchet up our desire even further before we sate it.
Kissing at the speed of consent isn’t just about my pleasure, kissing at the speed of consent means taking time to revel in yours too: giving yourself time to pause and drink in the reality of just how eager I am. For your lips.
Your touch.
The taste of you in my mouth.
Our lips still haven’t touched, but they’re getting closer. I breathe deeply to take in the scent of your skin, smile a little in encouragement.
If you come at me with this chill-yet-horny energy, and you’ve been patient rather than hasty in your journey to get there, I promise I will never give you cause to doubt the intensity of my want. With words, with gestures, or just by looking deep into your eyes with an intense, ardent longing.
So eager will I be, in fact, that the last five millimetres of distance that sits between us and that very first kiss will be simply too painful to wait for.
I desperately need your mouth right this second, so I’ll tilt my head forwards to claim it.
If you’ve made it to the end of this post, and you – like the listener in that famous poem – can treat triumph and disaster the same… if you can get to that point with patience and curiosity and emotional honesty about how you feel and why… if you determine that your desire is intense, justified and specific to me, but hold it in direct balance with a solid, heartfelt understanding that it’s OK if we still don’t actually fuck… if you can be vulnerable enough to show me you want it, yet secure enough to be content if your wants go unfulfilled…
If you can do all this and be comfortable with a ‘no’…
…then, my god, I will show you a ‘yes’.