Orgasm control – the hot and the not

Image by the genius Stuart F Taylor

“Don’t you fucking dare come,” he says, with a growling, horny tone and the power to make me do it. Holding a wand toy right tight and hard against my clit, cock firmly in place, pulsing against the walls of my cunt, and giving me something to grip down on as I try to fight the waves of unavoidable orgasm.

Sometimes the sexiest thing in the world is being ordered to refrain from something that you know is inevitable. The strain of having to bite your lip, tense your muscles, arch yourself away from the source of pleasure so as to hold something back for just a few seconds? Amazing.

But not always.

There’s a unique kind of shudder that I get if I’m on the edge of coming and I try to make myself stop. It has to happen at exactly the right moment – just early enough to prevent me but just late enough that I’m almost there. If you order me not to come just after we’ve started, then you’ll miss out on that moment. But getting to the right peak is tricky without my feedback.

I’m in the habit of telling guys when I’m going to come – the harder it’s been to get to the tipping point, the more likely I am to gasp “don’t stop don’t stop don’t stop” when I’m almost there. Because that sexy shudder when I try and stop myself is a hell of a lot less sexy when it’s inflicted by accident – a well-intentioned position switch, or a pause or change in rhythm. Sometimes all I desperately need is for the same thing to keep happening right there. Just like that. Don’t fucking move. Exactly there. Keep going. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. Aaah.

And I’m sure it’s because of that build up of tension followed by the quick release of climax that makes orgasm control so fun. Yeah, I’m frustrated if my fuck is cut off during that split-second moment, but if the pause was a deliberate exercise of control? Well, that frustration is just a downpayment on a future of even more intense orgasms.

A guy who gets me to that point, over and over again, building slowly before eventually letting me come can be my friend for life, and cash in on any number of ‘thank you’ beers, and possibly even a love letter or two.

But. This kind of orgasm control is really not for everyone.

5.. 4… 3… 2… 1… orgasm

Orgasm control requires two really key things, in my opinion: intimate knowledge of the other person’s body, and a stated acceptance that it doesn’t always work.

Recently I was having a chat with a bunch of kinksters for an article I was writing, and one of them expressed a gleeful delight in orgasm control – her Dom, she explained, frequently did the ‘don’t you dare come’ thing at the point of her orgasm, and she loved it like a very special birthday treat. Another, however, hated it, and was disappointed that orgasm control  is so often presented as a ‘standard’ BDSM move. I can see why it is – after all, BDSM is so often about control – giving and receiving power, and all that lovely hot stuff.

But not everyone can come on demand. Not everyone finds it hot to hold back their orgasms, because they’ve struggled so hard to get there in the first place. Others don’t orgasm during sex, or play, at all.

As hot as the line “don’t you dare come” is, it’ll lose its power if your internal monologue automatically responds: “I’ll be honest, mate, it’s not that likely.”

Likewise if someone masturbates you into a froth of excitement, but you know that you’re not going to be able to come without a really specific type of stimulation, then that person counting you down from 5 and expecting you to orgasm on the 1 is more than a stretch – it’s an impossibility. This trick (and it’s one I’ve had used on me in the past – to sometimes great and sometimes disappointing effect) can be horny when you know each other well, and when you’re realistic about what you’re expecting from someone. But when it’s presented as a standard ‘thing’ it can be a bit heartbreaking.

I’ve talked before about faking orgasms, and why I don’t think it’s quite the heinous evil sex move it’s made out to be, and I think often techniques like this feed into the pressure that some people feel about coming. Whether you’re happy to fake your orgasms or not, chances are that if you know you’re not going to come but a dominant has built you up to the point where he or she wants you to come on command, there’s naturally going to be a bit more temptation to just fake it.

Orgasm control is amazingly hot, and it can be a stunning part of kinky play (as well as other play, to be honest – BDSMers don’t have a monopoly on wanking their partners off over and over until they sob with an aching need to come) but it’s not quite the magic bullet it’s often cracked up to be. No matter how dominant you are, and how amazing your sex skillz or your technique with a magic wand, not everyone’s going to respond in the same way.

For some the very words ‘don’t come’ will be imbued with so much gut-punching hotness that the phrase itself will push them to the point of no return. But for others, an order to come or not come is irrelevant, because their body just doesn’t work that way.

And if you do it too soon, before you’ve any idea whether my body is responding in the perfect way to your touches? If you order me to come before you’ve heard my breathless gasps of ‘no no don’t stop oh please don’t stop’? Well, you might as well order me not to fly.


  • You mean there are girls who DON’T shout, “Oh my god I’m coming” when they go over the edge? ;-)

  • Exhibit A says:

    This is *such* a good post. You’re absolutely right, without intimate knowledge of the other person’s body (and mind/mood/triggers/etc), orgasm control is a bit of a lottery, not least because too many of us get seduced into playing it by the prospect of the rewards on offer.

    If I don’t know someone very well, I’d rather do it in a way that lets her guide me a bit, but which avoids her taking back any of the control that I’m meant to be wielding. So instead of just trying to pick the right moment to growl “don’t you fucking dare come”, if I know that’s the game we’re playing I’ll wait for her to *ask* “please can I come?”, before instructing her either way.

    Having her ask/beg for an orgasm, and getting her to describe to me exactly how close she is and how badly she wants it, is not only super-hot in itself, it also helps increase the chances that I’ll be able to control her orgasm in a way that works for us both.

      • Funloving Girl says:

        OMG, yeessss! Orgasm control is so hot, my partner and I play this all the time. Finally coming, exhausted and shaking, after several denials is the most incredible and intense sensation. Everyone should try it. But as you say, communication and knowledge of one another’s bodies is key.
        Making the other person beg for their orgasms is hot. And watching their reaction when this is denied. It helps that we both get massively turned on by seeing the other person fighting their arousal. The twitch of a muscle, that expression of concentration when trying to hold it all back… Unghhhh!

  • Great post. I am very lucky that orgasms are not elusive for me and it is quite obvious when they are building. Saying that, there are a few things that don’t work for me and if someone wanted to make me desperate, I would have to let them know.

    Personally, I love being reduced to a desperate wreck of need whether it is through being denied orgasms or by forced orgasms. It works for me and just the thought of it has me squirming.

  • lost says:

    Help me. I’m fucking trapped in a relationship where I’m.still here because she is so sucked up I feel guilty for abandoning her. I need help. I don’t know where else to turn but it’s tucking killing me. Indolent know what to do.

  • Boysub says:

    Loved reading this. But I am left wondering if it isn’t the case that orgasm control works better with men. Here’s the thinking: for many men, it is likely that the main source of sexual pleasure is before that delightful spunky moment. Orgasms are fantastic, of course, but the come-down for men can be intense.

    Orgasm denial in that case is about prolonging the pleasure — and then all the associated fun of having to beg to cum, having to hold back in the face of outrageous teasing, and the huge desire to please the other person in the hope you might be permitted to be a spunky chap…

    Female orgasm denial is hot — but I can’t help feeling it is hotter for the controller than the controllee; whereas the male version can be equally hot for both, I’d think. Particularly since when an orgasm is finally permitted, it’s going to blow your head off…

    But then perhaps it’s just me. I, for instance, read your post about cuckolding and the “idea of heaven [being] the gentlest of touches on his aching erection as he leaks precum and sheds a solitary tear while I’m fucked rigid by a faceless other.” And that just makes my knees go weak…

    Keep on writing, girlonthenet. The blog’s simply wonderful

  • Nickyb says:

    I have just found this blog, ironically as the result of a news article about the Google ban then un-ban on sex blogs. Orgasm control is definitely hot, both for me and my fiancé, however I completely agree that it’s down to knowing the person and how they’re responding and feeling. To take that one step further it also depends on the moment and the mood, there are times that we’ll have drunken sex without a hope of coming and it just wouldn’t work, no chance. Other times we’ll reach a pinnacle of knowing each other inside out and once we’re turned on she’ll be able to come without being touched, when told to and encouraged.

    As an aside, I disagree that faking orgasms is ever the right thing to do. You’re telling him/her that they’ve done the right thing when they’ve either not or the mood hasn’t been right; why mislead when surely it can only lead to disappointment later (unless it’s something you know is just in your head)?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.