This week’s guest blogger has already brought much joy with this amazing post about the sexiness of armpit hair. Today, he’s back on another topic very close to my heart: the ways that porn can benefit and improve our sex lives. As someone who’s been creating sex content for over a decade, personally I am bored of having the conversation about whether porn is ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘harmful’ or ’empowering’. The simple truth is that porn, like all other media, can be both good and bad depending on what’s being produced. And wrapped up in that truth is another very beautiful one: some porn scenes can genuinely change your life for the better. Please welcome today’s guest, who is here to tell you about the porn video that did exactly that for him…
The porn video that changed my life
Art can change your life. Most of us have a story about how a piece of music, a film or a book has touched our lives in some way. The internet is full of both personal essays and deep analysis of media, trying to explain why it has the impact it does. But there’s another form of media that most people are familiar with, which can speak to us in the same way as any other art can – porn.
There’s not nearly as much writing about porn, and what there is tends to be lurid or scaremongering. But porn can also speak to us and shape us – in ways both bad and good – and I think we need to be able to talk more honestly and maturely about it. That’s why I want to share a personal story about the unexpected way a porn video changed my life.
A hard problem
Erections used to be so easy. All I had to do was close my eyes and imagine a pair of bouncing tits, and in seconds I’d be thick, hard and ready to go. And I was glad. There are plenty of comedies where erectile dysfunction is the punchline, and every time I saw one I’m sure I felt a bit smug. Your body won’t do the one thing you’re desperate for it to do? Couldn’t be me.
I’m sure you see where this is going. Pride comes before a flop.
Part of it I’m sure was just age, as my twenties got further and further away. Part of it, the side effect of some minor health problems. Part of it was work stress and part of it the exhaustion of parenthood. But everything – mental and physical – took its toll. And suddenly – almost overnight – those reliable throbbers just stopped.
Sometimes one could be coaxed out – it just took a little more effort and an understanding partner. But sometimes I couldn’t get there. I’d get nervous and stressed. No matter how kind and patient your partner is, you worry that you’re going to let them down – that you won’t be able to satisfy them, and that’s a huge mental turn-off. Once you’re turned off, there’s no hope of getting that hard-on.
There are plenty of ways to satisfy someone without a cock – indeed that was how I would make it up to her – but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel like I’d let her down when she wanted to be fucked deeply.
I needed to get out of my head. I needed a lower stakes situation where I could relax and try getting it on with no pressure. And so I turned to porn.
The joy of JOI
Porn comes in a bewildering range of genres, but obviously I wouldn’t want a video involving a man with an effortless porn-sized, diamond-hard erection – that would just make me feel more inadequate. Instead I turned to jerk-off instruction (JOI). A woman – maybe kind and playful, maybe mean and dominating – talking you through masturbating, usually with some kind of visual aid (maybe a dildo, maybe a cock, maybe just her hand and your imagination). Something slow paced with build-up, with reassuring words my ear. And, crucially, the actress isn’t really there. She can’t see you. You can’t let her down. If nothing’s happening, it’s fine. You can pause and rewind, and just try again another time.
In a way, this helped. It provided breathing room and a chance to get back into practice – it’s weird to discover that even “having an erection” is something that you can practice, but it’s true that you learn ways to let yourself get turned on without impatience or worry. But those worries did not go away entirely. They were still whispering in my head. Until I came across the video.
It was just another JOI video among dozens from this creator. I’ve seen other videos from this pair before, all with the same premise: she will demonstrate wanking techniques on her partner’s cock, and talk the viewer through following along. But on the day they filmed this, something must have been wrong. Maybe he was tired. Maybe it was too soon after the last shoot. The video starts with him not stiff and ready, but flaccid. He swells in her hand as she lubes him up, but still he doesn’t get past a semi.
“Look how hard he is already. Harder than steel,” she says, as he visibly flops and dangles in her palm. Is she reading from a script? I wonder. But she keeps going, eye contact fixed on the camera as she talks the viewer through the strokes with the keen eye and amused detachment of a scientist of masturbation.
At this point, I need to made clear, I’m not making fun of the guy (a few details have been changed to make it harder to work out who I’m talking about). Quite the opposite. I realise that what I’m watching is incredibly hot. She’s having enjoying herself. He’s certainly enjoying himself. They are having stunning sex with one hand and a half-erect penis.
I come when she tells me to, the gold standard for a JOI video. But I also feel like, no joke, my life has been changed. Even a professional porn actor can struggle to get it up sometimes. But not only that, despite the difficulty, they didn’t stop filming. They shot the whole 15 minute scene, edited it and uploaded it, because they knew that the end result would be worth paying for (pay for your porn if you can, people).
It would be too simple to say this was an instant cure – it also took other changes to my health and in my life – but it was a huge weight off my mind. It gave me a new way for me to think, and a new mindset that both me and my partner could take to sex. I didn’t have to stress out any more, and if I did, my partner knew what to say to get me back on track.
And if it really didn’t work? Well, these things happen to everyone, but it doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun.