Roses are red, violets are blue, show me you love me by clicking straight through

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

In my neverending quest to come up with new ways to remind you to BUY THINGS FROM MY SPONSORS PLS, I cannot quite believe I’ve never done this, the most obvious and fun thing of all. Here are some Valentine’s poems, with links to the absolutely brilliant companies that support my website. They’re here mainly as a reminder to you that every click on every link – in posts, on ads, and in tweets as well, helps me to keep doing what I do. If you like the poems, or any of the other content I write, please consider clicking these links and buying whatever sexy stuff your little heart desires – for Valentine’s Day, or any day. Cos roses are red, violets are blue, and I couldn’t do this if it weren’t for you.

Eva Amour

Black ankle cuffs with a red flowery decal

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Fucking gets better

When I cannot move.

I’m not lazy, I’m just submissive. Cuff me so I’ve something to struggle against, hot dudes! This pretty cuff set is from Eva Amour, who’ll give you 10% off any order if you use the code GOTN10. They are also truly lovely people, who (true story) sent me some lingerie back in October 2021 that I promised I would write about, which I still have not written about, because I have had so many huge crises of body confidence in the intervening OVER A YEAR that the task sits menacingly on my to-do list just waiting for me to sort myself out. They have never once nagged me, and every time I tell them ‘I’m doing this soon!’ they reply with ‘no rush, no worries!’ – the kindness and care and understanding of the people I work with never fails to astound me. Check out all their Valentine’s deals here.

Bottega Nera

Image of a gift set including underwear, kink equipment ie gags, a whip and lots more

Blue are the violets

Red is the rose

Why buy just one toy

When you could have loads?

There’s something especially treat-y about getting a whole box of goodies, and that’s one of the things Bottega Nera do brilliantly: curated gift sets gathered around various themes. The one pictured above is the kink party box set but you can browse all their sexy gift sets here. Even better – from the 4th February till the 14th 2022, they’re offering a massive 25% off everything. You rarely see things discounted this much, so as a bargain-hunter I am deeply excited: use code BNV25 from 4th-14th Feb to get yours.

Frolic Me

Image of a woman and a man kissing deeply in the snow, with the tagline 'made by a woman, enjoyed by all'

Because you like action

Not gifts to unwrap:

I’ll pick a good porn scene

Then fuck you like that.

Sidebar: the poems for all these are written so that if you want to buy these things as gifts you can include the poem alongside it. No one has ever sent me a porn scene as a Valentine’s gift, but frankly the idea of someone buying me a sub, sending a specific link, then telling me to watch it in anticipation of getting fucked in exactly that way is so monstrously hot that I have made a note of it in my drafts so I can heavily hint it to someone in future. Steal this idea! Then let me know how it goes. 

I have in my drafts an extremely gushing blog post about Frolic Me, so if I haven’t got that live in the next three weeks please feel free to nag me: gushing is my favourite, and this site is well worth gushing over. Anna, who runs it, has both a stunning talent for capturing hotness and pretty much every film on the site includes at least one thing that makes my cunt ache so hard I could write rhapsodies about it. I recently wrote up this shower-wank scene for the erotic stories section and it was a genuine highlight of my work to date. What’s more, I also sometimes record audio for their amazing audio erotica section – if you like what I do here, you’ll also adore the way that Anna’s films are brought to life by erotic writers and readers over there. Video, text, audio, images: Anna takes such an accessible approach to porn that it makes my heart as happy as my cunt. Sign up via this link and you’ll automatically get 25% off membership.


Roses are red

Orgasms are lit

Please make me your fucktoy

And Doxy my clit.

Doxy is one of the companies that has supported my site for the longest time. They make the most incredible, beautiful, powerful wand toys – they (by which I mean both the awesome people who run the company as well as their amazing products) have powered me through many years of blogging, a number of different men, a few quite troubling mental health episodes and many many many many wanks. They also now sell their original (and, in my opinion, best) wand massager with a beautiful rose decoration. Perfect for romance.

Get yours direct from Doxy, and use code GOTN15 for 15% off anything on their site. I also rate their butt plugs extremely highly too – they’re beautiful and feel amazing and made of metal which makes me feel coooooool.


Purple silicone grind ring with a hole in it for cock and a heart texture to grind your clit against

Your cock is delightful

I think I’m dick-drunk

Please let me grind slow

Till you fill me with spunk.

Godemiche are another extremely long-term sponsor, and despite being a small family business – always extremely busy fulfilling orders and coming up with brand new silicone treats for us to grind our junk on, they have never failed to be unwaveringly supportive and and kind to me as a blogger, as well as many others – both new and established. Their products are genuinely innovative – especially their brand new grind ring (which now comes with heart texture if you want your grinding Valentine’s-themed!). Use GotnShop for 10% off anything on their site, and even if you’re not yet in the mood to buy, go check it out – I should probably write about another of their products at some point this year so if there’s anything in particular you’d like to read about, link me in the comments and I’ll ask them if I can test it.

Sofia Sins

Watercolour image of a woman in her underwear listening to something on her phone with headphones

Hold me quite gently

But finger me firm,

Let’s listen to stories

I’ve picked one: your turn.

As someone who makes audio porn, I really love hearing the ways that other people go about it: some read stories aloud like I do, others create scripts and dramas, others wrap in real sex noises (fun fact: I can’t do this, because of Patreon’s rules). Sofia Sins has a really beautiful concept where they tell the story from two different perspectives: you can pick your character and hear the story from their headspace, then switch up and hear it from the other side if that’s what you prefer. As a submissive who desperately wants to dive into the minds of dominant men, this is very much Right Up My Alley. Check out their website and get a subscription if you’d like to spend a languid, horny afternoon with a partner taking it in turns to pick stories while you wank each other off. Or, you know, do that yourself. That way you get to pick each and every story. Want a taste? Here’s a gorgeous wax play story that they shared on my own audio page…

Listen as audio

The Pleasure Garden

Simple black anal douche

Anal’s amazing

And if you’re quite louche

Your toybox is nothing

Without a good douche.

Why yes, I have always wanted to write a Valentine’s poem about douching. Anal is one of the most popular topics here on the site, and my life got infinitely better when I embraced the art of douching before I get fucked in the ass: this one is the Nexus douche and it’s simple, cheap and pretty. My life also got a lot better when I met The Pleasure Garden: an ethical, indie sex toy shop which sells a huge range of body-safe toys (and ONLY body-safe toys), plus fabulous gender expression products, position enhancers for more accessible kinky sex and loads more. Use the code GOTN10 for 10% off anything, and check out their excellent blog for inclusive, thoughtful sex advice from bloggers and experts too.


Blue square brackets with the word 'lit' written in black inside

Talking is foreplay

It makes my cunt slick

So read me a story

While I suck your dick.

This, my friends, is the gift that costs you absolutely nothing whatsoever. Go browse Literotica, find a story that’ll appeal to both you and your partner, and ask them to read it aloud to you while you pleasure them. It’s like a homemade version of Hysterical Literature. Fun fact: sometimes I used to suck my ex’s dick while getting him to read through a draft blog post about how we’d fucked. GOD I miss doing that. Anyway, there’s an idea for you which becomes even more fun if you see if you can distract them enough that they come so hard they forget how to read.

Literotica is another very long-term sponsor, and all they ever ask of me is that I send them people who are eager to read porn. It’s the easiest thing in the world, and I am extremely grateful to every single one of you who clicks on the links and goes to browse their site. If you’re on mobile, go check out their shiny new mobile-friendly site. Share your favourite stories in the comments here, I’d love to know what’s captured your imagination recently.

Sex Tech Guide

White case with clear jelly inside, and orange balls embedded in the jelly - it's flipped open so you can see the texture of the interior

The past is the past,

The future is bright

Here’s something shiny

To play with at night.

This toy is the Tenga Flip Orb, which is similar to a product I absolutely adored that my ex got to keep in the break-up (fair play: he has a dick and I don’t). These absolute heroes not only have a really exceptional range of Tenga products (one of my favourite masturbator brands), they have been supporting me for a long time, not just financially but also by giving me tips on SEO and site stuff, and occasionally joining me in lamenting the latest Google Algorithm fuckaboutery. The Sex Tech Guide site has regular updates on kickass nerdy sex tech things – good, bad, and ugly – so bookmark it and dip in if you ever wonder what The Future Of Fucking might hold. And head to their partner site – – to browse a range of toys, with a heavy slant towards those that are innovative, smart, and perfect for the hot nerd in your life (which judging by my site demographic, is almost certainly you). Their sale page is here, and worth checking out for awesome deals.

Intimate Chocolate

Lamp on left, lighting a beautiful milk-chocolate dick covered in edible gold leaf, and vase of wooden flowers on the right

Roses are great but

Their perfume wears off –

This Valentine’s Day

We are all about cock.

I probably don’t need to go into lots of detail about this, as you’ll have already read my extremely enthusiastic write-up of the delicious, beautiful chocolate cocks that Intimate Chocolate make already… right? If not, click that link and be immediately won over by the idea that we should swap out traditional gifts of roses this Valentine’s, and instead send the people we love artisanal chocolate dicks. Why not? They’re stunningly pretty, extremely tasty, and I bet that as soon as you read the phrase ‘chocolate cock’ you could immediately think of someone who’d be giddy with delight to receive one. Visit the Intimate Chocolate site and allow yourself a moment of drooling.


illustration of a hand wearing two black silicone finger pads

Your fingers shoot lightning

My body’s for use

I’ll be Aphrodite,

If you’ll be my Zeus.

I genuinely enjoy the God-like feeling you get when you’re using electricity to stimulate someone. It’s not always a zap, at low levels it’s a pleasurable tingle – go read this amazing guest post on the ElectraStim Kix plus fingertip stimulators, then head to ElectraStim’s site to pick one up yourself for £69 (nice) and the fingerpads for £39. Much like Doxy, ElectraStim have been with me for many years – introducing this previously-nervous kinkster to the wonderful world of electro sex, and getting all nerdy up in my inbox about the best ways to hyperoptimise the delights of e-stim play. Show them some love this Valentine’s, for all the love they’ve shown me over the years.


Man in red and black leather jockstrap

Just as the roses

Need sunlight and rain

Exceptional art

Needs a beautiful frame.

As ever, I am compelled to remind you that playful, sexy underwear should never just be for women. Meo has a gorgeous selection of amazing jock straps and other pretty things which provide the most compelling, wankable view of anyone’s arse and junk. This one’s a leather jockstrap in black and red, but there are lots more to choose from as well as an amazing selection of sex toys, kink equipment, fucking machines and more. Meo is a sponsor that’s been with me for a couple of years now, and they are one of those who just continues to be quietly brilliant in the background. They haven’t asked me to write about any of their specific products, but if they did I would be recruiting a horny guy to test out some of their fuckawesome underwear and parade around in my lounge while wearing it.

Hot Octopuss

Small black shaped vibrator designed for anal play and prostate stimulation

I love when your spunk

Is voluminous, fast.

You’ll come so much harder

With this in your ass.

As ever the ass/arse distinction fucks me up when I’m writing dirty rhymes, but more Americans visit this site than Brits so I went with theirs. Besides, the sentiment of this is thoroughly true whether you’re putting it in an ass or an arse. I have not yet had the opportunity to use my Hot Octopuss Plex with Flex on someone with a prostate, then ride their cock till they spunk like a cum-volcano, but one day. One day. One! Day! Not only have Hot Octopuss been a sponsor for ages, but I used to work with them too: I remember sitting in team meetings getting very excited about early-stage prototypes of a lot of their toys, and seeing those toys go from ‘idea’ to ‘thing you can actually have a fucking amazing wank with’ is a source of extreme joy. Visit their Valentine’s Day offer page to find discount codes on this as well as other incredible products.


I know it’s weird when I step out of character as ‘person who is just raging horny all the time’ to essentially say BUY STUFF, but the buying of the stuff is absolutely vital in my ongoing quest to keep this site going, pay guest bloggers and audio creators, and buy train tickets to visit the men who are kind enough to fuck me in the creation of them. I know not everyone does Valentine’s Day, but it’s a neat date in the calendar for me to remind you that my sponsors exist, and that I only work with companies who I genuinely rate: they’re here because they offer things I think you’ll really like, and I’m extremely grateful to you for clicking these links and buying things where possible.

Naturally I had a blast writing these little poems, and I enjoy coming up with silly rhymes on the roses are red theme. So as an extra incentive to BUY STUFF, if you buy something from one of my sponsors between now and the 13th Feb, and these little poems don’t fit with what you’ve bought/what you’d like to do with it (they are, of course, very focused on the kind of sex I like/have) forward your order confirmation email (with your details removed, of course) to hellogirlonthenet at gmail dot com with a brief note on what you’d like your little poem to say, and I’ll write you one that fits. I’ll limit this to the first twenty people, just in case I end up inundated, but the offer’s there if you’d like it.

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