How did it ever come to be accepted wisdom that if a girl has sex on a first date she’ll never see the guy again? This information, as well as being at direct odds with my own experience, doesn’t even seem to make any rational sense. Presumably if you sleep with someone on the first date it’s because you both want to sleep with each other. And wanting to sleep with each other is surely one of the best signs that a first date has gone pretty well indeed.
He won’t want me after I’ve had sex on a first date
The idea that women are something for men to conquer then chuck is certainly pretty widespread. And I suppose if you believe that men are simple-minded creatures who care only about carving notches in their bedposts then perhaps this logic might follow. But men are not simple-minded creatures, and if you truly believe that they are I heartily recommend you go back and study chapter one.
(Seriously, please do read that because it is the most heartfelt thing I’ve ever written)
So why would someone not sleep with you once they’ve had you? Realistically, if you both like each other enough to fuck, the only rational reason why you’d not want to see each other again is if it wasn’t a very good fuck.
And I don’t mean ‘not very good’ in the way that first-time sex usually is – a fumbling exploration of whether the other person likes the things that you like doing – but a fundamental incompatibility. A dramatic mismatch that only becomes apparent when, having erotically doused their genitals in chocolate mousse, they cease all sexual activity to bitch about the mess you’ve made on the valance.
But good news! If the shag wasn’t fun, then by sleeping with someone quickly you’ve not only managed to have a flattering fumble with someone who confirms that you’re a lustworthy creature, you’ve also saved yourself time. If the two of you are fundamentally incompatible, you’re still going to be so five dates in.
But he’ll think I’m a slut!
Will you think he’s a slut? Will you think less of him for being willing to gift his precious sexuality to someone he’s known for just a few gin and tonics? No? Then don’t worry about it.
A guy who is willing to sleep with someone on the first date and simultaneously willing to condemn her for doing exactly the same thing is not the sort of person you want a second date with. So if he does think you a slut, you’ve saved time (as in the above example) by establishing early on that he’s a double-barrelled arsehole. You win, because you haven’t had to force yourself onto repeated dates in which you affect a clumsy mating dance to conceal your desire to sit on his dick.
Do the nice things that other people want you to do
Someone recently asked for my advice about whether she should put off sleeping with someone on a first date. This is one of those sex questions to which, no matter how many times I’m asked it and in what circumstances, my answer will always be ‘no’.
I’m not saying you should sleep with everyone on a first date. You might not want to. You might not be horny. You might not be sure you fancy them yet and require a few more dates before you make your mind up. You might just enjoy the build up of crackling sexual tension.
But however long you want to wait – be it five dates, five pints or five minutes – your eventual decision has to be based on what you actually want to do, rather than what move you think you should be making in a confusing and loaded game of sex chess.
If you want to shag someone, don’t ‘put it off’ because a book you read said that women who hold out are rewarded with future dates. Don’t ‘put it off’ because you think the person you’re seeing might lose respect for you if you give them one of the things they want. You’re not a parent giving in to a child who wants sweeties, and who’ll regret it later when they go on an obnoxious, sugar-fuelled tantrum rampage: you’re an adult making a mutual decision with another adult.
Sex on a first date doesn’t make you slutty, easy, or weird. In fact, it doesn’t necessarily have any reflection on your character at all. It just means that – at that moment in time – you’re a fairly horny person who fancies your date and would quite like to shag him. And guess what? That’s not a bad person to be.