Listen up, people! I have googled around a bit and have been unable to find a word that sums up the level of knicker-moistening excitement that I experience when a gentleman lets me suck him off while he codes, so I invented one: Vimphilia. To mean: a kink/fetish for programmers.
Vim = That sexy black-box program used by lots of people who code, into which they type their mysterious combination of letters, brackets, and hilarious comments for future developers to puzzle over when they go back through the codebase.
Philia = A desire for something that causes my heart to beat faster, my knees to tremble, and my mouth to utter the words ‘please please please let me lick him all over.’
My fetish for programmers
I’ve always had a thing for watching guys at a computer. It began with a healthy interest at University – staring at my boyfriend’s hunched shoulders as he speed-typed an essay on Wittgenstein. This blossomed into a few fantasies, in which I imagined him crooning ‘that’s it, you help me focus’ as I sucked him off under the desk.
Years later, and I’m fixated on giving guys head while they’re concentrating – Xbox blow jobs where the challenge is to get him to come without him putting down the control pad. But the pinnacle – the ultimate dizzying, pant-slicking height of my desire – is to suck a guy off while he codes. It hits the same buttons that fired in my brain when I was watching guys write essays, but with the added bonus of someone performing a skill that utterly baffles and confuses me.
The only possible thing that could be better would be for two guys to be involved. You see the video below? The people who made it think it is funny, but this is actual porn to me. When it originally came out I was sent the link by at least three of my close friends with subject headings ranging from: “did they make this for you?” to “I bet you’d like to be the meat in THAT sandwich.”
Yes. Yes I would.
What’s so hot about code?
I know I’m not the only one – there are plenty of people like me: yearning, code-loving groupies who’d pay good money just to sit next to a developer while they flip swiftly between different Vim screens. A large proportion of them, like me, would very much enjoy the opportunity to give head under the table while they casually write scripts or… whatever it is they do. I was going to throw in loads of hot language here about ‘compiling’ and ‘parsing’ but I can’t because I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA what any of it means. And for that I am delighted, because it retains its sexy mystery.
I think there I might have hit upon what’s so hot about it: I have no idea what it is. Skills are sexy, and someone with skills different to mine is particularly lust-worthy. And do you know what is ridiculous and unfair? Although Rule 34 states that “if something exists then porn of it also exists” I am yet to find a porn site dedicated to guys getting sucked off while they code. Or two people coding while one sits on the other’s lap. Or a woman coding while her assistant applies a Doxy to her genitals. I’ve tried to tip the balance with a short (and true) story below, but COME ON PORNOGRAPHERS: we need more videos of people writing code, while they’re naked from the waist down.
Giving blow jobs while he writes code
He’s sitting at my desk in his chair. He’s been there for an hour or so – typing things into the black boxes on what I now know is Vim. I’ve offered him a coffee but he’s not looking up. He’s focused, and calm, and in that zone where if I try to distract him with anything trivial he’s likely to cry out in anguish that his train of thought has been lost.
“Coffee?” No response.
“Blow job?” He stays silent. Without taking his eyes from the screen, he pushes the chair back slightly from the desk, and uses one hand to unzip his fly. I kneel down, and he slides the office chair forward ever so slightly, pushing his dick right to the back of my throat. I start sucking him with long, slow strokes, listening to the tap of his fingers on the keyboard.
I pull back, running the tip of my tongue around the head, spitting to make the skin soft and wet. Taking just the tip of him into my mouth, and out, and in again. He likes a slow build-up when he’s working and right now I’m nothing – unimportant compared to the focus and concentration. I like to think about him doing this at work. Imagine sneaking into the office behind him one day and installing myself under his desk, so that while he’s running through something particularly complex he can absent-mindedly push his cock further back into my throat. I want to sit behind him and squeeze his dick, so I can rub him while I watch him flick-flick-flick back and forth between terminals.
I’m wet, but I don’t want to fuck him. I’m enjoying this too much. If I pull my head back while I suck him off I can just about see his brow furrowed in concentration. I’m sure part of it is because I’m distracting, but I want to imagine that all of it is down to the achingly sexy problem-solving that’s going on inside his head. It’s these situations I imagine
And each and every fantasy ends in the same way: him grunting with satisfaction. It’s part satisfaction at finishing his work, and partly a sigh of release as he shoots hot come down the back of my throat. As I wipe my mouth and wriggle out from under the desk, he sits back to run tests.
Vimphilia: a programmer fetish
I know that to some of you this might sound incredibly odd. But others will (I hope) read this and think ‘OK, maybe I have the same thing.’ Well if you have, congratulations – you are not alone. For those of you saying ‘look, GOTN, this cannot possibly be a real ‘philia’ – you just happen to fancy a couple of people who happen to be programmers,’ to you I say this:
I read code blogs that I don’t understand, because it’s sexy just to hear people talk about it. I masturbated after I watched the video above (not directly to the video – my imagined version was far more explicit). I occasionally visit the github pages of dudes I fancy, and scroll through their commit notes. I literally just became wet at the phrase ‘commit notes’. Don’t tell me this isn’t a thing.
Google tells me that Vimphilia is not yet a word, and I haven’t yet found a word that describes what I’m talking about. But if you also go weak at the knees when you see a hot guy or girl frowning sexily over code, then I hope you’ll be delighted that there’s now a way to label it when you’re listing sexual proclivities on your internet dating profile. It’ll probably never get into the dictionary, but if it appears on one of those ‘top ten weird fetishes’ lists, then I think I can die happy.
Not Python, though – I’m not a total pervert.
Edited to add
Thank you to all the glorious people who read this blog, then pointed me towards this. It’ll keep me going for quite some time.
Update 2020: some absolute hero put ‘vimphilia’ into The Urban Dictionary.