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On what all women want

If I were to distil what I’m trying to say in this blog, in my book, in articles and guest posts I write elsewhere, it’s this:

“Don’t make assumptions about sexuality.”

Don’t assume everyone’s the same. Don’t assume women are all looking for excuses to get out of sex, or that straight men are on a relentless quest to penetrate any female hole. Understand that people are complex, difficult creatures, and if we all acted the same not only would sex and relationships be seven billion times easier, but the world would be an unconscionably boring place.

And yet, when I write an article about female sexuality – that it’s complex, that some of us lust after dark and sordid things, that some women pursue sex with a drive that’s not easily explained by the ‘I’ve got a headache’ narrative – one of the most common responses is this:

“You obviously haven’t met my wife.”


My wife hates sex

I haven’t met your wife, and it’s likely that I won’t. It might be the case that your wife/girlfriend/mate/girl you met down the pub detests sex. It might equally be the case that she wants a very different kind of sex to the one you’ve got on offer.

But I’m not talking about your wife, because I’m not talking about all women. I never am.

I get this criticism a lot, and to be fair I understand why – the things I write here can sometimes sound a bit prescriptive. And I’m confident enough in my own experience to put forward arguments like “women don’t all want X” or “men aren’t always like Y.”

However, there’s a subtle difference here. Just because men and women aren’t all X and Y, that doesn’t mean I’m saying they’re all definitely Z. They might be A or B or even – if they’re particularly filthy – J. In order to agree with me you don’t have to think that all women want exactly the same – that would be illogical, terrifying, and clearly contrary to the experience of any person who has ever met women. All you have to understand is that people, bless their incomprehensible selves, are all different. 

Although it might upset you, some women like sex more than your wife. Some women like sex less than your wife. Some women, if they were married to you, would be a bit pissed off with you moaning on Twitter about how infrequently they want to fuck.

Unique and beautiful snowflakes

Women aren’t all the same. We never have been. Some women will be pretty similar to me in terms of outlook, sexual taste, etc. Others won’t.

I know you know this, of course. Chances are if you’re seeing this just after it’s published you’re a regular reader, subscriber, or someone who follows me on Twitter. You probably understand well the vast spectrum of human sexuality, and that people – no matter what their gender, sexuality, etc – have vastly different and fascinating needs and desires.

I’m not writing this for the people who understand. I’m writing this so that I have a link ready for the next person who doesn’t. So the next time someone says ‘hurr hurr, you haven’t met my wife’ I can send them here, and try to explain.

Just because I like sex doesn’t mean everyone has to. Doesn’t mean everyone does. I might sometimes be clumsy with my words, I might conjure up images that don’t fit with your worldview, but – like every single other blogger out there – I am utterly unqualified to speak for everyone.


  • Ezequiel says:

    “Some women, if they were married to you, would be a bit pissed off with you moaning on Twitter about how infrequently they want to fuck.”

    Good God. Do people DO that? I’d make myself sleep on the couch for that.

  • Lorelei says:

    I can understand the emotion behind someone saying hey, my wife hates sex, I never get laid, but in writing I’ve lost a lot of empathy for that. It’s not positive. It’s not doing anything. Why doesn’t your partner like sex? Is it something that you can work on together? Is it something you can go to therapy for? And if you just have different sex drives, or if you’re so incompatible, why are you still together, why aren’t you with someone who you can click with? There’s always something that can be done. Everyone has dry spells or rough patches but there’s a lot of giving-up remarks that just make me a little angry.

  • Adrian says:

    I for one am very different to my wife sex drive wise, hence why I am frustrated. A few times a year is not fulfilment in my opinion. Reading such blogs is calming and enlightening. One thing I have heard of recently is nuru massage. I love a good rubdown but had never heard of this form of massage before. Worth considering?

  • Alex says:

    I have never known a Wetherspoon with a garden. Envy!

  • Some common sense advice here. Some women like sex and some are not too bothered if they get some. Totally correct just depends on the person. My wife is not much into sex whereas I am…..hmmm.

  • Where we’re going, we don’t need names says:

    In my experience, ‘my wife/partner/whoever doesn’t like sex’ eventually turns out to mean ‘doesn’t like it with ME, for reason X, Y or Z.’ Sometimes it takes a very long time to figure that out.

    Funny how the post-blog comments have all gone off in this direction, though. I guess it’s an issue that hits a lot of raw nerves in people. And by people I mean guys who are insecure and/or have been that way in the past.

  • Paddy says:

    My husband works with a twat who tells everyone that once you get married and have kids the sex stops and it makes me angry and sad. He is a creep of the worst kind, and I don’t blame his wife for not wanting to go near him.

    It really doesn’t have to be this way! When I met my now husband I was a vanilla girl, with very few partners and little sexual experience. Now I am, um, very much every flavour going. He has given me the confidence to try out all manner of kinky stuff, and as an added bonus he has the most beautiful cock I’ve ever seen.

    Going slightly off topic there, but what I wanted to say is that you are so right, everyone is different and we should celebrate those differences. (And I have a sneaky suspicion that all those men/ women moaning about their partners lack of interest are probably with the wrong sexual partner in the first place because I’m fifteen years into a relationship and seeing my man in his tight boxers still gets me going!)

  • Serocco says:

    GOTN’s fetishes for what I call “consensual abuse” is something I know would outrage hundreds of people, because they think men who are rough with their women are lower than scum, and they think women would never consent to being flogged even by their husbands.

    That is clearly wrong, because GOTN absolutely loves it. That alone shows how different women’s tastes happen to be. GOTN doesn’t really like abs all that much, because she prefers arms. Other women adore abs on a man, but scoff at the idea of arms or hands ever being sexy.

    Moral of the day: women are complicated.

  • TomOD says:

    ” I might sometimes be clumsy with my words”

    Not that I’ve ever noticed…always seems very well written!

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