This is not a Christmas gift guide, because in my family we’re not doing gifts this year – we’re doing ‘hugging those we can and vid calling those we can’t and making plans for a big fuckoff party once we’ve all received our vaccines’. I checked my calendar this morning and was unsurprised to discover that 2020 has lasted at least ten years so far. And while it’s glorious that we’re now hurtling rapidly towards the end of it, with joyful vaccine news on the horizon, I don’t think any shiny presents will be sparkly enough to brighten what’s been such an objectively devastating time. So this is not a Christmas gift guide.

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One of the coolest things about turning my posts into audio porn is that along the way I have discovered so many incredible erotic audio creators in other places – most notably on Reddit. Recently rmp792 dropped by to share a fabulous guest blog (including audio) about begging and consent, and today erotic audio creator Lex is here to tell you how she got into it. Have you ever fancied becoming an erotic audio creator yourself? Are you curious about the ins and outs of this sexy, sharing, voice-loving community? You will love today’s guest post. When you’ve read it, don’t forget to follow Lex @alt_audios and check out some of her work over on reddit!

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How much do you care about porn video quality? Would you veto a video because it doesn’t have enough pixels? Would you skip over a cam stream because the sound was too fuzzy or avoid audio porn if the mic didn’t have a pop guard? My boyfriend gives a massive shit about the quality of particular videos which is not, in itself, a problem… until we watch porn together.

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Imagine that alongside independent cafés, and large chains like Starbucks and Pret, there’s an even bigger coffee company: CupHub, where you can get your caffeine fix for free. The only catch is that instead of having a dedicated team of baristas, paid by the company, basically anyone can pop behind the counter and make your coffee for you. Instead of buying coffee to serve you, CupHub relies on people dumping coffee at the entrance to their shops. Sometimes this coffee is legit, other times it’s stolen or tainted in some way. CupHub does its best to try and make sure it isn’t, but inevitably some bad coffee and bad people will slip through the net. Still: free coffee! Woo!

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“What was the plot of that porn, then?” He asks me, twenty seconds after we’ve both come. We’re sitting side-by-side on the sofa, him covered in spunk and me casually discarding the dildo and Zumio I used to get there myself. On the TV the porn scene we were watching still plays: porn with no plot, just a couple of people having a vigorous and sexy shag. He reaches for the controller to switch it off as I try to put into words what ‘the plot of that porn’ really was.

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