This is not a Christmas gift guide

Image by the fabulous Stuart F Taylor

This is not a Christmas gift guide, because in my family we’re not doing gifts this year – we’re doing ‘hugging those we can and vid calling those we can’t and making plans for a big fuckoff party once we’ve all received our vaccines’. I checked my calendar this morning and was unsurprised to discover that 2020 has lasted at least ten years so far. And while it’s glorious that we’re now hurtling rapidly towards the end of it, with joyful vaccine news on the horizon, I don’t think any shiny presents will be sparkly enough to brighten what’s been such an objectively devastating time. So this is not a Christmas gift guide.

I tell my sponsor companies – the ones who make it possible for me to keep bringing you smut and rants and audio porn – that as part of their package I’ll include some of their coolest products in a round-up post at the end of the year. I call it a ‘Christmas gift guide’ but that is not what this is. It’s more a round-up of the cool companies whose sponsorship of this blog has made it possible for me to limp through what has been a horrific time – the break-up and other personal trauma combined with lockdown to make this an absolute cunt of a year for me, but I have made it almost to the end thanks to the astonishing kindness of Patreons, these companies, and my truly incredible friends.

Go buy some stuff if you’d like to, not as Christmas gifts, but for you. We all deserve nice things right now so this isn’t a Christmas gift guide: it’s a thank-you letter.

Eva Amour

Recently I emailed Eva Amour to say ‘help! I need some sexy underwear for some photos I wanna take for the blog’ and they responded by sending me a box of hot, slinky, devastatingly sexy items. You can’t see the photos yet, because second lockdown meant I had to cancel my photoshoot with the wondrous Molly Moore, but keep an eye out early 2021 when I will be taking all my courage into both my hot little hands and whipping my arse out for some new blog decoration.

Buy anything from Eva Amour and use the code GOTN10 for 10% off.

Oh, and Eva Amour also gave me a sex machine too. One of the highlights of 2020, before 2020 went to total shit. Read about me getting spitroasted with a sex machine here, or doing DVP with a fuckmachine, or combining the fuckmachine with a cock I cloned from my now-ex-boyfriend’s excellent dick.

Which brings me neatly on to…

The Pleasure Garden

This site is run by one of the nicest people I have ever met in the sex industry, who was incredibly understanding of me when a piece of work I was supposed to do fell by the wayside while I tried desperately to squeeze blood out of the stone of my pandemic-fogged brain. The Pleasure Garden also gave me one of the things I had most fun with this year – the dick cloning kit! Honestly there are few joys in life that can quite compare in both hotness and hilarity to watching your other half shove their boner into a tube of squishy paste while sucking your nipples to make sure they stay solid.

We had so much fun with this. So much fucking fun. Big long wistful sigh.

Still: I got to keep his cock in the break-up. He’s generous like that.

Get yourself a dick-cloning kit from The Pleasure Garden, or buy anything else on their site for 10% off with the code GOTN10. They have an especially excellent range of strap-on harnesses and gender expression products, as well as useful guides over on their blog.

Hot Octopuss

I used to go for team meetings with the Hot Octopuss crew and spend many happy hours gossiping about what was happening in the industry, and cooing over new and exciting designs for sex toys. During the time I worked with them, running their social media and writing blog posts and generally getting stuck in to their site, they launched a bunch of really cool toys that I got to watch flourish – from initial concept to eventually getting into people’s hands (and onto their dicks).

I always recommend the Amo bullet vibe and the Atom Plus cock ring, but today I’m also going to give a shoutout to JETT. I never got to really explore the JETT properly because my ex wasn’t as in to dick vibes as either of us would have liked him to be, but it gets a shoutout here because it was so popular with hot subby guys online that for weeks after the product launched I could nearly always be assured of some smoking hot ‘I used JETT to bring myself off with no hands’ videos when I checked the social media feed each morning. Here’s a favourite (VERY NSFW link).

Godemiche

These people handmake all their colourful dildos and butt plugs, and this year they also welcomed me to their blog so I could spaff on about the joys of audio porn. They’ve sponsored me for a really long time, not to mention powered nearly every single wank I have had for the last few years (thanks, Ambit!).

Most importantly, they’ve just launched a new range of textures for their dick toys (made of silicone, which very very few dick toys are, so well worth investing in if you’re sick of having to airdry your Fleshlight for ages by the sink, and STILL finding fluff all over the damn thing). The range includes waves, bubbles and suckers and much like men in general, I’d quite like to try them ALL. So as well as thanking Godemiche for their support this year I have also added ‘beat a guy off with one of the new OffBeats’ to my 2021 bucket list. Come on, vaccine, I’ve got dick to milk…

Buy these (or anything) from the Godemiche site and use GOTN for 15% off. 

Literotica

These lovely fuckers have been supporting me for ages, and not just me: lots of erotic writers. They run competitions you can enter with your own smutty writing to win prizes, and frankly without their support this year there are at least a couple of months when I wouldn’t have been able to pay my mortgage.

I struggle to come up with long shoutouts to write them, because there’s little more I can say other than ‘read words, have wank, enjoy’ but frankly that’s all you really need isn’t it? You presumably like reading my words, or you wouldn’t be here, and any wanking and joy you can eke out of 2020 is a massive win as far as I’m concerned.

No code here, no discount needed: Literotica is 100% free. 

SexToys.co.uk

These folks have been sponsoring my website from almost the very beginning. Come rain or shine, SexToys.co.uk have been there for me – whether paying me to keep this site running or letting me run wild over on their blog where I got to pen such delights as ‘Seriously, though: how do you fuck in deep space?’ and ‘Top sex toys that will also double as weapons come the apocalypse

I don’t know how you pick your sex toy companies, but if you want to support one which has helped me through thick and thin: through heartbreak and trauma and blind wank tests of masturbation sheaths, you should visit their website and use GOTN20 for 20% off anything.

I’m an especially big fan of the Fleshlight Flight Pilot, and this doggie harness is a lovely bit of kit if you’re kinky and enjoy a really brutal fuck. Get these – or anything – from SexToys.co.uk and use GOTN20 for 20% off. 

FrolicMe

Anna who runs FrolicMe is cool in a number of ways. On a personal level she rescued me by offering me a bunch of erotic-reading work during a period when I was scrambling to pay the mortgage: you can go listen to some of the stories here.

On another level she is cool because her porn is both beautiful and accessible in a number of formats. Video, audio and text. I’m a big advocate of multi-format porn because I think different people get their rocks off in different ways, so offering a choice of how you want to experience a hot scenario means everyone’s a winner. Subscribe through this link and you’ll automatically get a discount, and if you have fun with particular scenes, come pitch me a guest blog about what you enjoyed.

WeVibe

The We Vibe Nova 2 holds a special place in my heart, because it arrived shortly before the break-up. When I was miserable and frightened and alone and unhorny, this magical thing had the power to rip orgasms out of me even as my heart was shattering. For that I will always, always love it.

Go buy the Nova 2 from WeVibe or check out other amazing techy sex toys like the Moxie.

StuffGoodies

Fun fact: when I had just fucked my ex and returned home to a bollocking from my conscience, I wanted to have a few reminiscence wanks about the absolute depravity we’d indulged in the day before. Unfortunately, the depravity was so intense that my cunt was pretty sore, so it felt like the perfect time to crack out this dinky g-spot dildo that StuffGoodies had kindly sent to me.

These people not only gave me the perfect sex toy for a debauched afternoon, they have also sent out this gorgeous strap-on to a reader, from whom I am hoping to bring sexy news in early 2021.

Buy from StuffGoodies and get 25% off EVERYTHING on site till the end of 2020. No code needed, the discount is automatic so just get stuck in. 

SexTechGuide

Ben Woods from SexTechGuide is one of those other ‘fuckawesome industry people’ who deserves special recognition. Not only is he supporting writers by paying them for work – writing excellent toy reviews, sex tech news and other fun stuff over at SexTechGuide, but he juggles this with a side project – SexTech.co.uk – where you can buy some of the awesome things they talk about.

On top of this, he’s been an absolute fountain of knowledge on SEO and affiliation, and kindly gave me time over coffee this year when I was panicking about Google updates. So: if you visit STG or SexTech.co.uk, know that you’re supporting companies that pay it forward – a deeply valuable thing, especially during this terrible year.

Meo.de

Sometimes it’s worth shouting out to companies who just pay you on time and make no demands, so this one’s for Meo, who you’ve seen on the ad banners but who behind the scenes are just quietly brilliant. Not only did they step up when I was frantically emailing people to say ‘please buy some ads I’m broke, please buy some ads’ but they also sell a beautiful and very expansive range of sex toys, fetish products, underwear and much more.

Incidentally, if you’re a straight dude and you want to commit to being sexier in the New Year, treat yourself to a quick visit to Meo and peruse the underwear. My good friend Beardynoise (of Wankonomicon fame) and I have oft lamented that straight dudes do not know how to buy sexy underwear for themselves. Go buy yourself a jock strap, or something good and tight and uplifting, and strut your way into 2021 feeling like an actual god.

ElectraStim

The first Christmas card I got this year was from ElectraStim, and I have it proudly displayed on my mantelpiece to advertise to people who come round that I am friends with a company that makes electric fucktoys to shove in all your special places. They, like so many of the people I get to work with, are some of the nicest folks I have met in the sex industry. If you ever get the chance to say hi at a trade show (and have a crack on their AXIS, which is a fucking phenomenal electro toy) you absolutely should. And if you ever fancied trying out the tingly-pleasurable fun of electro sex, or the stinging thrill of electro sex cranked up to ‘BDSM’ mode, go get some of their amazing toys. I especially recommend that you pick up this dildo, and remember the golden rule.

Use GOTN10 for 10% off anything on their site, and ENJOY. 

Doxy

I’ve saved the best for last because these fuckers not only make the greatest sex toys IN THE WORLD they also look after me. From taking me to Venus Berlin back in the before times so I could experience a porn-saturated trade show filled with horny men (an adapted scenario of which I still wank about sometimes) to renewing sponsorship on my blog over and over again and sending me shiny butt plugs.

I’ll recommend their shiny butt plugs here, because they’re my absolute favourite and now no other butt plug seems to do it quite the same for me, but I’ll also (obviously) recommend their brand new wand – the Doxy 3R. Rechargeable but still powerful as fuck. And made by a company that has been unwavering in its support for sex bloggers, not to mention cammers and other sex-industry pros too.

As ever, GOTN15 gets you 15% off anything plus free shipping. 

This is not a Christmas gift guide

As I say, this is not a Christmas gift guide. You can see the ones from previous years by clicking the ‘Christmas‘ tag, which is also invariably filled with the kind of festive fucking I find much easier to write than product-focused stuff. But if you want to buy yourself something, and you’d like to support the folks who support me, links are above for your clicking, buying, and enthusiastically capitalist enjoyment.

Next year I promise I’ll be a little bit better at magically weaving sponsor stuff into the filthy blog posts. I used to pride myself on the fact that I’d prefer to write a list of hot wank fantasies than a list of sex toys to buy. But 2020 has done a number on me, as I imagine it has on you too, and my imagination is running on fumes and crossed fingers right now. It’s the end of the year, though, so a good time for taking stock and thanking those who have done cool things for us throughout the year, so my God. My God. I owe all these people a huge debt of gratitude. And you, too – every single one of you, whether you’ve bought from sponsors or shared sponsor posts or supported me on Patreon or left nice comments. Pitched guest blogs, listened to audio porn, sent a link to a post to someone you’re fucking and told them ‘we’ve got to try this!’ – every single thing you do here helps me keep doing more – whether you spend money or not.

You’re here, you clicked, you helped me. And I fucking love you for it. Thank you.

 

 

6 Comments

  • Purple Rain says:

    Awww! Wishing the best Christmas to you and those you hug.

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    Thanks for these recommendations, and for all your posts this year!

    Also, I have to say: I wish I was in your family. Because I *hate* non-sexy gift buying, but my family wouldn’t dream of not doing it, so had to risk infection the last two weekends trudging round shops for last-minute presents for relatives that will probably be forgotten by January. Ugh.

    Anyway, I feel like I deserve rewarding myself with a proper vibe, been putting up with a cheap crap one for too long…

  • Phillip says:

    I would sell my soul for a brighter New Year. I hope that you don’t have to go that far!

  • fuzzy says:

    Translucent harem pants are the lingerie that make me melt into a puddle of lust, adding a peignoir for a little more mystery is like putting double clotted devonshire cream on top…

    Clicked every link in sight, and thank you for all the nice recommendations.

  • Purple Muppet says:

    Merry Christmas! Let’s hope next year is a little better eh.
    Thanks for these recommendations, and thanks for going on about the Zumio too, picked one up recently and absolutely do not regret it! Makes you wonder why at the advertising is so gendered.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ahhh YAY I’m so glad you like the Zumio, and yeah it’s frustrating that so much sex toy advertising is still so gendered. Like… I reckon the future will just be sex toy companies telling us what this toy *is* and what it *does* rather than trying to tell us exactly how to use it and on whom, but there’s a fair way to go yet I reckon.

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