Girl on the Net

What exactly is IMDb erotica? Well. Last night, a gentleman and I were trying to choose which film to watch. We were tired, so wanted something with the right level of vague tittilation but zero intellectual merit.

On our search, we found possibly one of the most beautiful things in the world: IMDB erotica.

By which I mean “the content notes for films on IMDB.” They’re poetic, delicious, hilarious run-downs of all the sexy bits in the film, as written by a breathless youth who is probably halfway through a wank. Observe:

“Lots of excessive “party” nudity with both men and women being topless at various points. We also see male and female rear nudity but no explicit female or male nudity. The subject matter of the nudity is mostly weird and unsettling, as is the tone of the movie itself. A man and two young women have sex in a swimming pool.”

Calm so far. BUT THEN COMES THE EXCITEMENT:

“We see all of them kissing, the man thrusts toward one of the young women as she holds and kisses the other young woman and we see them all nude and from various angles underwater (we see glimpses of female buttocks and their breasts albeit their nipples are covered by pasties, the man’s buttocks is the only male nudity). A woman is shown thrusting on top of a man who tells her that he likes it (we see her bare breasts, buttocks and abdomen and his bare chest) while another woman licks his toes (she is fully nude albeit no frontal nudity is seen).”

A sense of disappointment in our author’s voice at the lack of full frontal. Nevertheless, hand down pants, they continue regardless:

“Two women shower and wash each other while a man watches them (they are fully naked but nipples and genitals are obscured). Two young women kiss a man’s nipples (we see part of the bare buttocks of one of the young women). A young woman, fully naked with genitals obscured, is briefly shown taking a shower. Her buttocks and nipples are briefly shown. We see several scenes repeated of young men and young women in various stages of undress dancing on the beach and drinking heavily; bare breasts are shown repeatedly (one woman’s bare breasts are repeatedly shown in extreme close-up while others pour beer over them) along with partially bare buttocks covered by skimpy bikinis.”

It goes on. And on and on and on. It’s almost a genre of erotica in and of itself, but that might be because I’m imagining a guy typing one-handed while straining to have an angry wank to the not-quite-total nudity he’s seeing on screen. I adore it.

That description is from teen-wank tit-flick Spring Breakers (which I haven’t actually watched yet). And seeing as it’s Friday, let’s play a game…

Can you guess the film from the IMDb erotica?

I’ve condensed these ever so slightly and taken out names.

IMDb erotica – Film 1 (easy)

In the beginning, cheerleaders are ogled by a professor. Blond’s mom come out on her balcony in a little bra and panties 2 young girls are washing a man’s Jeep. They zoom up their legs and linger on their butts in little jeans. The blond’s mother is shown having sex with a man (her buttocks and breasts are briefly exposed). There is a lengthy scene of nudity involving a threesome. A man cups a girl’s bra. He then takes off her underwear. The two girls kiss and they get undressed. On the bed the man takes off the girls bra and the second girl pour champagne on the first girls breasts where the man continues to lick it off. The scene is extremely graphic and lasts approx 2-3 minutes. Camera zooms up a woman’s legs and body when she gets out of a pool We see a close-up of a woman’s breasts. Two women kiss passionately in a pool, and the breasts of one are clearly visible. (This is cut in the R-Rated version) X’s character takes a shower. As he gets out, we briefly see his backside for 2 sec’s, and briefly his genitals. Another scene where two people have sex, we see breasts. There is a lot of sexual dialogue.

IMDb erotica – Film 2 (medium)

Women dance, gyrate and caress themselves suggestively with buttocks and breasts shown momentarily. Most of the nudity is in the background, but a couple of scenes have breasts clearly visible for some time. The body of a murdered woman is briefly seen. A woman puts her foot in man’s mouth and he sucks on it. A man has a “cock gun”. Some sexual references.

IMDb erotica – Film 3 (hard)

X asks another man to grab his butt, when he was actually asking to grab his lower part (his upper body was separated when he fell from a cliff). A character asks another character about foot size to which the other character replies “Foot size doesn’t matter”(a metaphor for describing the size of a penis).

Have a guess in the comments, and no cheating with Google, please. I won’t know if you have, but you’re the one who has to live with yourself.

Feel free to suggest your own as well if you can find some fun descriptions.