Time travel sex – what would you do?

Image by the amazing Stuart F Taylor Look at the detail!

I’m more than willing to suspend my disbelief to enjoy a good TV show. I’ll ignore loud explosions in deep space, grin and bear anachronisms in historical dramas, and even nod through a paradox or two. But one thing I refuse to believe is that at no point in his long long life has Doctor Who gone back in time to fuck himself.

I mean COME ON. He used to look like DAVID TENNANT, for crying out loud! And Matt Smith: all gangly limbs and twinking nerdery. You would, wouldn’t you?

One of the things I enjoyed most about the book The Time Traveler’s Wife (if you haven’t read it then it’s about a dude who accidentally time travels) is that in it, when his teenage self meets another teenage self, they wank each other off. It’s not described in detail, but it’s straightforward enough that it made me go ‘omg realistic portrayals of identical-selves masturbating is exactly what has been missing from all time travel.’

So, in that spirit, here are a few of the sexual encounters that would happen if I had a time machine.

Time-travel threesomes

I don’t really want to have sex with myself, if only because I don’t tend to fancy women that often, and I suspect I am exactly the kind of person who would annoy myself by being obnoxiously loud and eating all the nice crisps at parties. So I don’t think me and me would make a good couple. However what we WOULD make is an excellent threesome double-team.

In the past I’ve turned down amazing sexual opportunities because I’m too jealous of the other girl involved, or because I’m scared that the guy I’m with will enjoy the other person more and be permanently disappointed with my own mediocre vagina. However, with a time-travel threesome, I wouldn’t need to worry about that, because I am basically the same person.

I’d pick and choose some of the less exciting fucks I’ve had in the past, and spice them up by introducing my future-self halfway through and watching the guy’s eyes widen with delight as he realised all the tingling possibilities. I’d join an ex or two in some double-penetration, strapping one on so I could fuck me while I was being fucked. I’d head to the first time I used a strap-on at all, and sit heavily on that guy’s dick at just the moment his prostate pushed hard squirts of spunk out of him. I could pop back to last night, when I ground heavily onto my partner’s dick while he wanked me off with a Doxy. Past-me could still do that: I wouldn’t want to ruin her fun. But while she was doing it I could be biting his nipples or letting him suck mine.

Being the first

Is this creepy? I think perhaps this is creepy. In my head it’s super-romantic, but I don’t think we need to worry about creepiness given that time travel is impossible, so if you’re thinking of writing angry letters, please save them for the day when we manage to break all the laws of physics and invent an actual Tardis.

It’s 2002, or thereabouts. A guy who – in 2002 – I’ve never met, is masturbating furiously and desperately wishing he could hurl away his virginity. Late one evening on his way home from a friend’s party, he runs into a woman. Old enough that he wouldn’t usually look twice, but young enough that he definitely would. She invites him into her Tardis, and because he is probably only 18 at this point, I will spare you the pervy details.

What’s important though is not necessarily what happens then, but what happens years later, when he runs into me for what he thinks is the first time.

“Wow. You… you look really familiar.”


“Yeah. You look like this person I knew once, ages ago.”

“Oh really? What was she like?”

“It’s kind of a funny story actually. It’s how I lost my virginity…”

Fixing mistakes

Picture the scene: it’s three AM outside a shitty nightclub – in one of those vaguely Mediterranean ‘party towns’ that are magnets for young people who want to get drunk and sweat on each other. Two girls who are far too young to be there are sitting on the laps of two guys who can’t believe their luck. The guys are young too – not yet mature enough to realise that if you really want to get laid you need to avoid drinking twelve shots of AfterShock. They’re all snogging, and having a whale of a time.

One of these girls enjoys it so much that she tries to take the guy somewhere quieter to fuck.

“Give me a sec,” she whispers erotically, then runs to the bins and sprays rainbow-coloured vomit  in a decorative arc over the pavement. She wipes her mouth.

“I’m done. Let’s go.” The guy nods, looking a little queasy himself, but clearly game. The girl leads him to what she thinks is a secluded spot. They snog again, briefly, before he backs away. It might be the taste of her sick-washed mouth, but our heroine decides it’s probably just because he’d rather do other things. She pushes his head down between her legs, pulls her knickers to one side, and he licks at her with eager enthusiasm – this is clearly a dude who’d rather taste cunt than cocktails.

In the faint distance she can see the nightclub lights illuminating her best friend and the other guy, snogging on a chair. Her cunt twitches with pleasure but she’s far too pissed to notice.

At this moment the sky splits, and a time machine appears. An older version of the girl leans her head out of the time machine and – in the manner of a Mum yelling at her kids to get inside for dinner – she shouts:

“You fucking idiot! Everyone can see what you’re doing! You’re not in a secluded spot at all, you’re in a field right next to a busy road! Go home and sober up or in ten years’ time you’ll have to write a blog post about how much you regret this whole sordid incident!”

Time travel sex – watching and wanking

Of course it wouldn’t just be about joining in or changing the path of history – that’d kind of imply that my sex Tardis would mostly be about regrets. I’d probably spend most of my time popping back to my favourite moments. That first ever threesome with two guys, which fulfilled a list of long-held sexual desires so spectacularly that I still remember it in a sleepy, dreamlike way. I’d watch as they kissed each other, and look out for the expression of shining delight on my face. I’d take mental photographs of every beautiful moment: as they fucked me, as they fucked each other, as we all tangled together in a huge pile of happy fucklust.

I’d visit a few fetish clubs to watch myself get beaten.

Head to old bedrooms in which I frotted tirelessly against exhausted ex-boyfriends.

Watch a few of the hottest boy snogs I’ve ever seen.

It would be like having a live-action replay of some of the best fucks, and the most beautiful people I’ve ever known. Hot and horny but also tinged with wistful nostalgia.

Maybe one of the best things I could do if I had a sex Tardis would be to leave little notes for myself on the morning of each hot encounter, saying:

“This one, tonight: this one’s special. Drink it in. It’ll never happen the same way again.”


  • Richard P says:

    This just makes me wonder why there’s so little sci fi porn.
    Is it just the production values thing where no one wants to spend the money?
    Do they assume any makeup won’t stand up to it? (Actually having seen the Hulks body paint coming off onto Black Widow during one of those Marvel parodies they may have a point.)
    Is it just a simple lack of imagination among porn producers?
    Am I just looking in the wrong places?
    Is it really that difficult to knock together a basic sci fi future in which mankind have got over most of our sexual hang ups and met a few different sexy aliens. Hell it even let’s you throw in an excuse like genetic engineering to explain why everyone looks like a pornstar.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Good question! I think there’s lots of scope for interesting sci-fi porn with cool concepts. I suspect part of the difficulty is that people associate sci-fi with either huge budgets or crap special effects, but there are LOADS of interesting possibilities that don’t require either of these things. Shameless plug for an amazing site I’m working on: Dreams of Spanking recently posted a sci-fi scene with an awesome concept (a clone who has been trained to replace the Crown Prince is given a caning, because the prince has had one, and he has to match the prince exactly in order to fool the medical scanners): http://dreamsofspanking.com/scene/item/clone I wrote a blog about it here too: http://dreamsofspanking.com/blog/2014/9/sci-fi-porn-sexy-storytelling

      I think you can use sci-fi to play on amazing concepts (like this one, with clones and a dark dystopian future) and there are lots of things you can do which require no special effects whatsoever. I’d love to see more porn that’s a bit Black Mirror: near-future where one or two tiny details are changed, because I reckon there’s loads you can play with. And, of course, the sex Tardis just requires borrowing the phone box from the Beeb, and the rest is fairly easy =)

  • Yingtai says:

    Huh. I cannot offer any insight as profound as Richard P’s. But if I had a Tardis, I would go back and tell myself to do more stuff at every single opportunity. Like your mum said: Just Say Yes!

    Possibly I ought to be taking my own advice right now, eh?

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ooh, yes. That is good advice to give, and I think I’d have a few points in my own past that I can think of where I could pop back and advise that.

  • RB says:

    If I had a TARDIS I wouldn’t ever enhance the really fucking good sexual encounters I’ve had, because I deeply enjoy the memory of them, but I’d certainly travel back to the first year or so I was having sex with the same person, and collar myself and shout, “You deserve BETTER than this! Ask him to go down on you! Ask whether he can try and make himself last longer so that YOU might be able to come someday! Tell him that you want more, and deserve more, and that there’s more to sex than 10 seconds of pumping and no satisfaction for you. Tell him that he’s an arsehole for not considering your needs and thinking your kinks are weird. Also, actually, dump him, because I doubt he’s ever loved you. Go and fuck everyone other than him. Except that guy from Salford. He’s an arsehole.”

    …totally NOT bitter about the past.

  • RB says:

    Actually, having written that, I think that’s the downside in being speculative about someone’s sexual past. I get stuck in regret and anger about something I can’t change now. Have always got to look forward.

  • Kinky says:

    I’d go back and give the aristocratic babes from the past new sexual experiences which their gout induced kings/princes had not given them, probably never knew about.

    • Kinky says:

      Pleasure the lady first at all times I should have added as I’ve always believed and really enjoy. Biggest turn on is giving her an orgasm or even many many orgasms.

  • Chloe says:

    I’ve never posted before, but I just had to say- what a fantastic idea and I’m so annoyed I hadn’t thought of it before!

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha, tbh I think I may have just been watching too much Doctor Who =) Thanks for posting! Always get excited when new people join in!

  • Rupert says:

    two things pop into my little mind, one the future self would out shine the past self in a threesome and they would already know what happens and two there’s a good scifi book called nexus which has some pretty good sex in

  • WhatsaDoxy says:

    Brilliant! Soooo many ideas.
    And this would be the only way another guy and I would fuck. Me! haha

  • Jennifer says:

    You have to read “The Fermata” by Nicholson Baker!! It’s all about this – he has the trick of being able to stop time, not time travel, but he uses it to delightfully dirty ends. It’s part of how my husband and I got together… Super fun.

  • Vida says:

    I love your exasperated self-mammy time travel moment. I’m kind of glad the incident happened so that you can write about it for our entertainment now.

  • this post should be a book! there are too many delicious avenues to explore and yesssss, Stuart’s illustration is awesome…that should be the cover!

  • dana says:

    gosh i would want to travel to the tudor era and renaissance where i can wear a lovely corset (so hot) i would be afraid of the peoples stink back then. that has always frightened me about those time periods of yesteryear. like how did they not puke from there partners unwashed body odor when having sex . cuz i know if i don’t have deodorant its all bad and 1 day without a shower, even with deodorant i smell horrid.but i would go back in time with my comet vibe fully charged and my duel density dildo and a bag full of LUSH products and I would go and hit on queen Elizabeth she was such a babe and since she never married i suspect she would be down with some girl on girl! I would bathe her and give her the real 2015 royal treatment! ;-) i would also love to find an attractive tall muscular feisty viking man and get down and dirty with him!

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