This week’s guest blogger came to Eroticon this year, so I am super excited to have her here now – being funny, sexy and informative in equal measure. She pointed out that while I have a few posts about orgasm denial from the perspective of male submissives, I don’t have as much on female orgasm denial – so she’s here to fill that gap! Please welcome the lovely CoffeeAndKink (who you can follow on Twitter here, and support on Patreon here), who wants to tell you exactly why she gets off on not getting off…
Female Orgasm Denial (or: Why I Get Off On Not Getting Off)
‘Don’t stop… please don’t stop… I’m going to…’
‘No you’re not.’ The vibrator is yanked away. I cry out in frustration as my clit pulses with need and my cunt clenches in anticipation of the orgasm it’s been denied.
He does it again. And again. And fucking again. I am ready to cry with desperation, ready to promise anything in exchange for release.
He unplugs the vibe. ‘Let’s go and make dinner. I’m getting hungry.’
And it’s usually around this point that phrases like, ‘fuck you, you fucking fucker!’ tend to fall out of my mouth.
It’s the most paradoxical kink of all.
For me, when I’m being denied repeatedly or over a period of time, I want the orgasm so badly it hurts (and I mean that in a physical sense!) …but at the same time, I want the frustration to go on and on and on. I want to beg and be told no. I want the delicious ache.
Yes, it’s every bit the head fuck it sounds like.
Orgasm control and denial is my favourite kink. I mentioned my curiosity about it to my ex-Dom some years ago, he took the hint, and I was hooked. The longest single stretch, since I know you’re wondering, was 23 days. For a girl with a higher than average sex drive such as myself, that’s forever (and it is absolutely not a competition – if you want to do it for the length of a scene, an entire year, or anything in between, that is cool.) And it’s not as if, for those three-and-a-bit weeks, I could just try to forget about my nagging desires. No – I was being ordered to bring myself to the brink of climax and then stop (called ‘edging’) every day, typically multiple times. It was torture. I loved it. The orgasm, when I finally got it, was so explosive that I temporarily forgot how to walk or talk.
Orgasm denial is hot for a lot of reasons. For one thing – and this is quite a big one – it’s about control. I’m a submissive at heart and giving up control over such a fundamental thing as my sexual release puts me into delicious subspace quicker than almost anything else. The mindfuck of equally wanting it and not is glorious for a masochist like myself, and drives me deeper to a place of surrender – I cannot control what’s going to happen to my body anyway, so I might as well give up and enjoy the ride. For me at least, that feeling of being out of control, of trusting someone else with my body and mind, is the cornerstone of what subspace is.
For another thing, nothing makes you more aware of your body than being constantly horny. I get to a point, after three to five days of denial, where I can think myself into a state of sexual frenzy. Everything, from the shower water running down my back to the brush of my robe against my nipples, sends my awareness straight to my cunt. I drip constantly. It’s the power and vulnerability that comes from feeling your own body as a sexual creature, only all the time.
Plus there are the mind-bendingly explosive climaxes that typically come at the end of a period of denial.
So what about the Dominant partner? My primary partner seriously gets off on seeing me come, so what does he get out of denying me? I’m told that, for them too, it’s in a large part about control. There is an incredible thrill to having someone absolutely at your mercy and begging for something you have the power to give or withhold. Not to mention that a horny submissive is generally more compliant, obedient and eager to please.
For some Doms, I know that denial also hits their sadistic buttons – they enjoy inflicting pain, and sometimes a withholding of pleasure can be as effective a tool as a whip or cane in doing so. (Have you ever got yourself so close to orgasm that you can taste it, and then stopped all stimulation? Yes, it hurts.)
And, of course, there’s the pleasure that comes with fulfilling your partner’s favourite kink (even if they hate you for it a little bit at the time.)
But, despite what some may think, denial is not the perfect kink for a lazy partner or Dom. True story: an ex lover of mine once forgot he was denying me. He was baffled when my submissive self then felt neglected and ignored, thinking he could just say, ‘no orgasms for you’ and leave it at that for a week or two. No no no. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. Denial, as with any other kinky activity, requires effort and communication.
If you’re new and interested in exploring this dynamic, the advice is the same as with any other new kink: go slowly, try things out, talk to your partner, and don’t expect to do it all in the first week. Try an hour, then a day, then maybe three days or a week and see how you get on. And remember, it’s not a competition and the only right way to do it is the way that’s hot for you and your partner.
Final true story:
Me, to another denial-loving friend: ‘What’s the longest you’ve ever gone?’
Her: *shrug* ‘Oh, about five months.’
Me, to my Dominant: ‘DO NOT GET ANY IDEAS.’