I am so excited about this week’s guest blog. Lots of people have asked me in the past if I’m familiar with financial domination, or if it’s something I would ever write about. My answer has always been that I don’t really understand the dynamic enough to give it a decent shot, and I’d always rather publish a post from someone who truly gets off on a kink than perform some ham-fisted approximation of it myself. So when this week’s guest blogger – HarlequinWorks – @harlequinworks on Twitter – offered a post explaining the sexy details of why he gets off on financial domination, I leapt at the chance to understand this kink a little better. Please welcome Harley, and get stuck in to the filthy fun of findom!
Financial domination – take my money
One day last year, one of my play partners texted me to say that they were going out for brunch with a mutual friend, and I would be paying.
I love messages like this. Just a few words, out of the blue, that completely derail whatever I’m doing and make my heart pound. Over the next 90 minutes, they texted me periodically; how tasty the food was, what they were both having; a picture of them taken from floor level, which they explained would be what I was seeing were I lucky enough to be there with them. I couldn’t think about anything else; each time my phone buzzed I couldn’t grab it quick enough. Our friend got into it too, texting me to say she wished I was there so she could push me up against the till and take my wallet away. At the end, my play partner texted me “We’re finished. Including a tip, you owe Me £20”. Not “please send..” not “it came to…” but “you owe Me…”
Society is obsessed with money. Money represents power, and power is hot. When I’m in a dynamic with you and you demand money from me, it’s a direct transaction in which I surrender power to you. I work hard, or I did in the halcyon Before Times when I was able to. I’m no fan of capitalism, but I do enjoy working and then getting paid for that work. I can spend that money on whatever I want! Except, no, I can’t, because you took it from me.
And that’s so hot.
Findom and other kinky play
It combines so nice and neatly with other kinks, too. I love orgasm control and denial, and end up pretty desperate for orgasms pretty regularly. Of course, there’s the begging, the please, please, I’ll do anything. But you can find out exactly what I’ll do by simply setting a price. An orgasm? Sure! That’ll be £10. Take it or leave it.
Or cuckolding. Sure it can be humiliating that you’re going to do sexy things with another person that I want to do with you, but it’s even more humiliating to make me pay for dinner for both of you afterwards.
With consensual non-consent, money can become the safeword. Set a timer, and start being awful to me. I can stop you any time, but I’ll have to pay a fine for every minute left on the clock. Findom is so versatile!
An awful lot of people are mad about findom, however. When I posted an earlier version of this piece on Fetlife, right away two people who don’t follow me commented to say that the problem was all the online Dommes who take money and give nothing in return.
To me, though, that’s a whole aspect of findom by itself; I’m not purchasing anything, I’m not getting anything in return, except the exciting butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of having sent my hard earned money to someone who deserves it more than I do. If it’s hot for me to send money to strangers and be largely ignored, you don’t get to decide that that isn’t OK.
There are cases of people abusing dynamics, of course, taking more than a sub can afford to give. It can certainly be edgeplay, and there are certainly unscrupulous operators. At the beginning of lockdown, though, when I stopped being able to go to work, and had no income for the forseeable future, I contacted the people I had financial dynamics with and let them know that I’d have to pause things for now. They all accepted that and expressed sympathy. The partner I mentioned at the beginning is now teasing me about not being able to afford them, but that’s a part of our dynamic. I’m only ever getting exploited on my own terms.
As with all kinks, there’s more than one way to approach findom. I’ve heard about Dom/mes controlling a sub’s finances, setting budgets and deciding when or if they deserve treats, with the goal of teaching the sub financial management skills, and building up their savings. I’ve also come across Dommes who find it amusing to pay for dinner when eating out with their male subs, who may be made to feel inadequate by not paying. But I think there’s a tendency in the kink community to write financial domination off, and deride those who practice it as somehow “cheapening” kink by involving money. But money is just a tool; I want to use it to do something I enjoy.
PS if you haven’t checked out Harley’s website yet you totally should – he makes really cool things including jewellery, clothing and (my personal favourite) kinky furniture! And if you liked this guest blog please do share it and/or leave a comment – ta!