Guest blog: female orgasm denial

Image by the genius Stuart F Taylor

This week’s guest blogger came to Eroticon this year, so I am super excited to have her here now – being funny, sexy and informative in equal measure. She pointed out that while I have a few posts about orgasm denial from the perspective of male submissives, I don’t have as much on female orgasm denial – so she’s here to fill that gap! Please welcome the lovely CoffeeAndKink (who you can follow on Twitter here, and support on Patreon here), who wants to tell you exactly why she gets off on not getting off…

Female Orgasm Denial (or: Why I Get Off On Not Getting Off)

‘Don’t stop… please don’t stop… I’m going to…’

‘No you’re not.’ The vibrator is yanked away. I cry out in frustration as my clit pulses with need and my cunt clenches in anticipation of the orgasm it’s been denied.

He does it again. And again. And fucking again. I am ready to cry with desperation, ready to promise anything in exchange for release.

He unplugs the vibe. ‘Let’s go and make dinner. I’m getting hungry.’

And it’s usually around this point that phrases like, ‘fuck you, you fucking fucker!’ tend to fall out of my mouth.

It’s the most paradoxical kink of all.

For me, when I’m being denied repeatedly or over a period of time, I want the orgasm so badly it hurts (and I mean that in a physical sense!) …but at the same time, I want the frustration to go on and on and on. I want to beg and be told no. I want the delicious ache.

Yes, it’s every bit the head fuck it sounds like.

Orgasm control and denial is my favourite kink. I mentioned my curiosity about it to my ex-Dom some years ago, he took the hint, and I was hooked. The longest single stretch, since I know you’re wondering, was 23 days. For a girl with a higher than average sex drive such as myself, that’s forever (and it is absolutely not a competition – if you want to do it for the length of a scene, an entire year, or anything in between, that is cool.) And it’s not as if, for those three-and-a-bit weeks, I could just try to forget about my nagging desires. No – I was being ordered to bring myself to the brink of climax and then stop (called ‘edging’) every day, typically multiple times. It was torture. I loved it. The orgasm, when I finally got it, was so explosive that I temporarily forgot how to walk or talk.

Orgasm denial is hot for a lot of reasons. For one thing – and this is quite a big one – it’s about control. I’m a submissive at heart and giving up control over such a fundamental thing as my sexual release puts me into delicious subspace quicker than almost anything else. The mindfuck of equally wanting it and not is glorious for a masochist like myself, and drives me deeper to a place of surrender – I cannot control what’s going to happen to my body anyway, so I might as well give up and enjoy the ride. For me at least, that feeling of being out of control, of trusting someone else with my body and mind, is the cornerstone of what subspace is.

For another thing, nothing makes you more aware of your body than being constantly horny. I get to a point, after three to five days of denial, where I can think myself into a state of sexual frenzy. Everything, from the shower water running down my back to the brush of my robe against my nipples, sends my awareness straight to my cunt. I drip constantly. It’s the power and vulnerability that comes from feeling your own body as a sexual creature, only all the time.

Plus there are the mind-bendingly explosive climaxes that typically come at the end of a period of denial.

So what about the Dominant partner? My primary partner seriously gets off on seeing me come, so what does he get out of denying me? I’m told that, for them too, it’s in a large part about control. There is an incredible thrill to having someone absolutely at your mercy and begging for something you have the power to give or withhold. Not to mention that a horny submissive is generally more compliant, obedient and eager to please.

For some Doms, I know that denial also hits their sadistic buttons – they enjoy inflicting pain, and sometimes a withholding of pleasure can be as effective a tool as a whip or cane in doing so. (Have you ever got yourself so close to orgasm that you can taste it, and then stopped all stimulation? Yes, it hurts.)

And, of course, there’s the pleasure that comes with fulfilling your partner’s favourite kink (even if they hate you for it a little bit at the time.)

But, despite what some may think, denial is not the perfect kink for a lazy partner or Dom. True story: an ex lover of mine once forgot he was denying me. He was baffled when my submissive self then felt neglected and ignored, thinking he could just say, ‘no orgasms for you’ and leave it at that for a week or two. No no no. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. Denial, as with any other kinky activity, requires effort and communication.

If you’re new and interested in exploring this dynamic, the advice is the same as with any other new kink: go slowly, try things out, talk to your partner, and don’t expect to do it all in the first week. Try an hour, then a day, then maybe three days or a week and see how you get on. And remember, it’s not a competition and the only right way to do it is the way that’s hot for you and your partner.

Final true story:

Me, to another denial-loving friend: ‘What’s the longest you’ve ever gone?’

Her: *shrug* ‘Oh, about five months.’

Me, to my Dominant: ‘DO NOT GET ANY IDEAS.’


This post is available as audio – read by the fantastic Hannah Lockhardt. Click ‘listen here’ at the start of the post, or check out the audio porn page for more sexy stories read aloud. 


  • CheeseMuncher says:

    As the primary partner and Dom of this guest writer, I can absolutely agree that she gets horribly, desperately horns when I’m denying her orgasms. She loves it; she hates it; I make her suffer for me.

    Having read this, though, I do think I need to up my game and deny her for longer periods of time…

  • CheeseMuncher says:

    Oh, thanks for autocorrecting Dom to Dominican, silly phone!

  • New to this says:

    Brilliant post! I’ll tell my gf she should count herself lucky that she only has to “suffer” an hour at most! x

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    This sounds awesome. (And yes, nice to hear from a female voice on this kink – I know it’s not just limited to guys.)

    Personally, it’s another one that I’d love to try, but as she notes it really needs the right partner. Maybe some people have got the strength of will to deny themselves orgasms, and keep ‘edging’ to the brink without crossing it, but I’m pretty sure I don’t. I understand that’s where chastity devices come in handy…

  • Rebecca says:

    I totally agree with you orgasm denial is hot and as much as I protest I love it when I am denied. The end result is far sweeter, far more powerful and far more needed. He enjoys the denial of my pleasure, the control of getting me just to the brink and then drawing me back, the begging for release the almost agony of denial. Writing this has made me crave a session of denial. Thank you for a wonderful hot, funny delicious blog post.

  • James says:

    Lovely to see this amazing kink get more publicity, thanks GOTN! And a great write up CoffeeandKink.
    I started up a little tumblr blog about it at the suggestion of a sub friend a few years back and amazingly it’s grown to about 50,000 followers, so there’s definitely interest in this.
    One of the things I love about it is what a positive kink it is. It’s easy to explore, individually, or with others. Almost all aspects of it (outside of ruined orgasms, which the article doesn’t mention) leave you in a very buoyant (if frustrated) frame of mind, and it can actually help develop self-discipline if you’re exploring it individually.
    It’s also a wonderful introduction to lots of other areas of kink too, as being in that aroused state, and getting the ‘denial high’ as we call it, is incredibly useful in lowering inhibitions about yourself and trying new things. The challenge is getting over that initial confusion ‘Why on earth wouldn’t I want to cum?’, but as soon as you get past that almost everyone gets why not getting off is better…

  • Peggy says:

    My Dom hasnt allowed me to reach orgasm in 3 years… He had my clit pierced with a bar and i cant cum…just get so close…he says its better for him this way and i must say

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hi Peggy, thanks for commenting! Is your clit piercing permanent or can you take it out at any point? How do you feel about that? I have not heard of a Dom asking so much of a sub before x

      PS just FYI I took the end of your email address out of the ‘name’ section of your comment, so you don’t get inundated with spam or potentially dodgy messages. When you reply if you just make sure that only the ’email’ box has an email address in, then your whole email won’t be public in your comment.

  • Don't Get It says:

    I mean, most het guys de facto practice orgasm denial because they are so clueless about female physiology and psychology, not to mention utterly self-centered and obsessed with their own nut. After all the depressing experiences I’ve had with these men, I just can’t fathom how this could be viewed as sexy. It is routine, banal, par for the course. And utterly, utterly depressing.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hmmmmmm. So, I understand your frustration if you’ve been with people who are only interested in their own orgasms at the expense of your pleasure – that’s selfish and unfair, and I sympathise. But what you’ve done here is comment on a post that’s about *someone else’s joy*, asking why it doesn’t reflect your own experience. Your partners have let you down, and you’re taking out your anger on someone else entirely, because they enjoy something that you can’t understand. That’s unkind. If you’d like to see your own experience reflected on this site, feel free to pitch me a guest blog, but please don’t comment on other people’s guest blogs to denigrate their kinks just because you don’t see your own experience reflected in the way they enjoy sex.

  • SirenDenied says:

    I’ve been enjoying (mostly!) OD on and off for close to a decade now. It’s probably one of the most intense forms of kink out there in my opinion.
    Unlike almost any other form of domination or control, it follows you wherever you go. Bondage eventually has to be released, a spanking has a very finite time limit (either for your dominant’s hand or the receiving body part) but a denied orgasm can go for hours, days, weeks or even months. When you are physically with your partner, obviously the frustration can spike, but they can be half way across the world and you still feel the ache.
    OD translates extremely well for long distance or exclusively online relationships as well as in-person, day-to-day relationships. It can be mild, occasional T&D (tease and delay) or brain-bending, utter mind-fuckery right at the very edges of sane play. There are virtually no physical limitations that I can think of barring maybe a heart condition or if the submissive is truly incapable of orgasms.
    If you and your kinky partner haven’t tried out this kind of play, I can’t recommend it highly enough. The worst that can happen is you miss out on a couple of orgasms. :)

  • Bd says:

    Orgasm denial works well for my wife and we r definitely continuing it from now on. She must currently do one full year. She has four months to go. We have been discussing denying her for life. She’s hesitant but I’m the man n it’s my decision.

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