I could show you how to fuck me till I come, if you really want me to. You don’t need to perform or practice or keep an eye out for the sexy faces I make, reading them like I’m an ancient text you need to try and decipher. If you want to fuck me till I come, I can show you.
It’ll start with missionary, and stay that way for ages. You between my legs, thrusting in and out in firm, slow strokes. That’s key: firm and slow. Almost robotically predictable. A rhythm I can get my head round, and a speed I can match to the tight squeezes of my cunt – in and squeeze, so I feel how deep the head of your cock is sliding in. Out and relax, to get ready for the next stroke.
I can show you how to fuck me till I come, if you like. It will mean my hands resting firmly on your arse, pulling you in at just the right angle. My feet planted firmly either side of you on the bed, knees up and legs braced so I can join in with the rhythm. I cannot stress this enough: the rhythm. Slow and firm. The kind of fuck you’d have to the song ‘Hungry Eyes’ from Dirty Dancing: steady and predictable. Slow and firm. For want of a better word: boring.
Fuck me till I come, but am slightly bored
If you want to fuck me till I come, there are lots of things we’ll have to ignore or brush past: the spanking and the moaning and the talking and those moments when you grab me and flip position, in that filthy-sexy way you do when you’ve got a new idea. Instead you have to moan a little, but let me stay silent if I want to. Close my eyes if I want to. Focus and concentrate and block out everything but that sensation of your cock sliding in – firm and slow – and the angle at which I’m holding my hips to make sure it hits the right spots.
We’ll have to set aside the desire for you to come, if you really want me to come. Because there might come a point when I tell you that the firm, slow strokes aren’t enough on their own, and I need you to sit up and back, giving me space between our bodies to apply a Zumio.
And no, sorry, you don’t get to hold it. Keep up with the firm, slow strokes, but under no circumstances should you move or touch the vibe I’m applying to exactly the right place. You cannot possibly understand where it needs to be, because you cannot feel what I feel – that pinpoint, laser-targeted, exactly-the-perfect spot. It has to go there, and only there: not a millimetre out. If you really want me to come.
But this is why, if you tell me you want me to come, or look at me with expectation partway through a fuck… I lose my mojo. When you… perform… I lose my mojo. I don’t want you to perform for me, I want you to fuck me.
Do what feels good to you, and let out the noises that feel right at the time, and let the ideas flow and your kinks spill out so I get to see those little flashes of excitement when you say ‘can I…?’ and I say ‘yes, God yes.’ Grip me tight and flip me over and make me hold position, call me a dirty girl and give it to me exactly as hard or as gently or as swiftly or slowly as you want it at the time. Not ‘firm and slow’ unless that’s what makes you hard right now.
Come for me, but I might not come for you
I am fully aware of how unfair this sounds. That I’m telling you to fuck me like you’re wanking, do what feels good on your dick, do what you need to do in order to come yourself… while also telling you that an orgasm isn’t what I particularly want. But sex doesn’t have to be equal in order to be fun. It isn’t a simple tit-for-tat exchange of orgasms. If you’re thinking ‘wait a minute! She wants me to stop caring about her orgasm while putting all the emphasis on mine, that’s not fair!’ then that’s totally understandable. It’s just that we probably aren’t compatible.
Besides, while I’m talking you through this not-quite-guaranteed-but-almost-certain method of making me come, that isn’t to say it’s the only way. It’s just the other ways of making me come all involve you letting go: doing what feels good to you, and letting the filthy ideas that hide in the back of your brain come out to play, saying and doing stuff just because you like it. My cunt likes that, a lot, and I might come. But I’ll probably only come if it isn’t my orgasm you’re chasing.
I could show you how to fuck me till I come, if you really want me to. The missionary, slow-and-firm method above is a pretty safe bet if what you’d like is for sex to end in me coming. But honestly, that kind of sex can’t be the only thing we do. Orgasms are cheap and abundant. I can have five wanks in a day when I’m at home: I’m here with you because wanking doesn’t cut it. I want your grabby hands and hard cock and panting, sweating enthusiasm. I want to hear your moans and see your face and watch our for the spark of excitement when I clench my cunt around you.
A missionary fuck, slow-and-firm, with occasional help from Zumio? That will probably make me come. But a vigorous doggy-style fuck, where you shove a butt plug inside me and beat me till I whimper and call me a good girl and then pull out when you’re close and drench me in your spunk? That might not make me come, because the mechanics aren’t perfect, but I’ll enjoy it more not just while we’re fucking but in the long nights after as I lie in bed and touch myself thinking about that moment you sped up just before you came, or the way you moaned ‘unnngh’ when you splattered cum all over me.
Give me an orgasm, I’ll be happy for a day. Give me a dirty wank bank fuck and it’ll last till the next time we meet.
Every now and then I write some quite personal piece about orgasms during sex, and how I’m not that bothered about my own orgasm because I mostly just want you to come in my cunt. This particular one is a draft from ages ago that I’m digging out because I’m low on ideas this week. Often when I write these kinds of posts people go ‘OMG this absolutely isn’t what women want, what are you doing GOTN?!’ so here’s the disclaimer where I point out that I am not in any way the arbiter of ‘what women want’, only what I want. This post isn’t about how to fuck women, it’s about how to fuck me. This one came off the back of a chat I was having with a friend where she asked me if it was hard to come during casual sex (yes) and whether that makes it less fun (no). So this post is about that, and it is not a manual on ‘how to fuck women’: I am not the spokesperson for all women, in fact women don’t even let me come to their AGMs any more because I get messy drunk on free wine and eat all the vol au vents.
15 Comments
Can’t speak for all women, of course, but that is what *I* want too. I appreciate that the orgasm gap is real and problematic for a lot of folks, but I’d much rather fuck than focus. Years ago I was in a terrible relationship with a man who insisted that I should come from fucking (just like his ex-wife, who, he liked to remind me, had seven or eight orgasms every time they screwed. Probably not true, but I was 20 and believed every word he said), but wouldn’t help get me there. End result: I felt like my body was broken, like I was a terrible lay, and I associated orgasms with frustration, shame, and sorrow.
After we split, I avoided doing anything with a partner that might make me come. Oral sex gave me panic attacks. For someone who’s always been really comfortable, happy, and creative with her sexuality, bringing this intense rigidity into the bedroom has been another blow to my self-image.
“I’m gonna make you come so hard” is one of the least sexy things a man can say to me. I really struggle to believe that they want me to have a good time, that they’re not just trying to make themselves feel like studs. It sucks.
I think you’ve hit on something really important here, and I am not sure I’ve ever really articulated it but… there seems to have been a leap from ‘the orgasm gap’ to ‘demand orgasms’ which misses a bunch of steps in between about pleasure and how different people access and experience it. I couldn’t agree more that ‘I’m gonna make you come so hard’ is unsexy. If it’s with someone who knows me SUPER well, and I’m already close, and I know they know the stuff above, then maaaaaaybe it’ll work, but it feels like quite a lot of pressure. Like if I whispered in someone’s ear ‘you are NOT going to lose your erection’ I suspect that’d have a potentially dick-shrinking effect!
I’m so sorry you had this experience – this guy sounds like a fucking arsehole, and on top of the orgasm pressure, his comparisons are wildly unhelpful too. So what if someone else could come? All he’s showing there is that he doesn’t understand how basic biology works, and that everybody is different. I completely understand why this has put you off wanting to try and come during sex. What a douchebag.
Once again you’ve nailed it.
I remember an early boyfriend, who after each perfunctory fucking would hopefully ask, ‘Did you come?’ Inexperienced as I was, I knew so much more was possible but didn’t have the confidence to ask. Neither did he, I suppose.
Mind you, sometime later, someone else asked the same question and I was literally speechless. My own ‘Orgasm Criteria (TM)’ had been scattered to the four winds, yet I’d just come three times in a row and the language part of my brain had temporarily checked out.
Also, I completely agree with Jul above: ‘I’m gonna make you come so hard’ is so not sexy.
“the language part of my brain had temporarily checked out.” Ohhhhh yeah I know this feeling! And yeah same – sometimes the answer is ‘I just happened to come, and I don’t know why’. When I was younger, I was lucky enough to be able to come quite easily from penetrative sex. I thought it was a knack I’d have forever, but these days I am fairly inconsistent, and it feels like being able to let go and stop chasing it leads to greater enjoyment overall than hammering away trying to come. Also ‘did you come?’ as a post-shag question always feels massively cringe. I’d even prefer ‘how was it for you?’ over that =)
Oh no! My paragraph breaks have vanished – should I be html-ing them?
They look OK to me! You *can* put html in comments I think, but your comment seems to have come out OK! If it still looks odd to you, let me know which browser you’re using and I’ll add it to my list of things to check if I ever get round to doing tech updates on site!
aww I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I wish you a very fulfilling sex life in the future.
When you said, “I really struggle to believe that they want me to have a good time, that they’re not just trying to make themselves feel like studs”, I felt that. I have an ex like that. However, I have been lucky enough to recently only come across kind, dominantly inclined men. These guys can only feel good if I’m feeling good, because they feed off the fact that they could make my knees shake and eyes roll to the back of my head. Part of it is definitely because they feel like studs, but this way, I have no complaints.
Also, because they warned me that they could get dominant, we had a very open discussion about what we liked in bed. This was amazing! I recommend it to everyone. This way you hopefully don’t come across guys like my ex (and your ex) who believe they knew exactly what you want in bed and won’t let you have any say in it.
Yes! I couldn’t agree more with your last para, Sofia – having these discussions, doing away with assumptions, and recognising that everyone is going to want/respond to different things is one of the best ways to ensure everyone’s having a good time. Thank you so much for sharing.
Choosing my words carefully as I’d admire the ones that you have written. This so hits home. My partner enjoys men, she likes it when they fuck her and come. She does not want you to try to make her cum, to tell her that you know what will make her cum or any variation on that theme. She loves me because among other things I get that. I want her to come, to have fun, to enjoy herself in sex and sometimes she does. Sometime’s she uses me to get herself off in the same way she wants me to use her. I’m happy to play along. I’m not advocating for being selfish (here are the carefully chosen words) but why does it seem in pop culture and in real life sometimes that people expect other people to make them come? As if their orgasm’s are the other person’s responsibility. I’m happy to help if you need me do to something in some certain way but if your waiting for me to “give” you an orgasm I’m probably a disappointment. Is that a sexist point of view? I want woman to own their orgasms the way you describe, have one when you want one but don’t leave it up to me to “make you cum”.
I don’t remember where I got this idea back then (probably from some kind of educational book), but as a teenage boy I had this impression that women usually don’t have orgasm during sex and it’s up to the men to ensure that their partner enjoy the sex. So for decades I thought it’s up to me to make sure she enjoys the whole stuff – this usually meant lots of pussy eating because if I put my dick into her, I don’t last much longer than 10-15 seconds. Now that I have a stable partner and don’t have to be afraid that she dumps me because I ejaculate in 10 seconds, I dare to be selfish sometimes. Interestingly the only way I don’t come in a few strokes is the similar to the one in the post – slow, steady fucking in missionary.
It is a very interesting thought that you “use” the two-person sex not for orgasms, but for collecting experience for later orgasms.
“as a teenage boy I had this impression that women usually don’t have orgasm during sex and it’s up to the men to ensure that their partner enjoy the sex.”
Ohhh yeah. I think there’s a really common trope that in order to be ‘good in bed’ during straight sex, the man is essentially ‘performing’ for the woman – it’s his job to make sure she comes, and when it comes to knowing how best to pleasure her – in the immortal words of Jez from Peep Show – “you’re not allowed to ASK, that’s CHEATING.” This idea that men need to psychically intuit how individual women will respond to physical pleasure is damaging to all of us – it sets sex up as this terrifying test, puts ‘communication’ way too far down the priority list, and generally makes shagging way harder for all of us.
I don’t think it’s necessarily selfish to come quickly – I have had some truly excellent, delightful, intense and brilliant fucks that have lasted a very short time, partly because I enjoy the feeling of getting someone so horny that they spunk in me almost as soon as they get in my cunt. As with everything, it’s all down to communication, tone and what you want to achieve. And the only people who can determine that are you and your partner – sex is a team sport =)
It would probably be ideal if the partners ended up together at the same time every time. But this does not occur in life. At least I haven’t heard anything like it. So yes, sex is a team sport and selfishness has no place.
Gotn, I really am envious of the women that can have multiple orgasms with just vaginal sex. But I am lucky in that my husband can make me squirt! Here’s one thing that turns me off more than anything. When we are mutually masturbating he’ll tell me” make yourself come, make yourself come, a”nd it turns me off in the worst way.! It’s like I want to stay, what the hell do you think I’m trying to do it?
This is SUCH a good blog post, and it really hammers home the importance of actually talking to your partner about the shit they like and what you want your sex together to look like. Because of my vagina anxiety I frequently keep my boxers on during sex and don’t want partners to directly touch my junk at all, but I do think it’s still ok for me to want them to *ask* me if I’d like an orgasm rather than assuming they know how I’m feeling and what I want. (Ha, I wrote that sentence in present tense like I’m having any sex at all at the moment!) I totally agree that the pressure of having to come – or any pressure at all to perform when it comes to sex – is deeply unsexy. In the same way that we can withdraw consent and want to stop halfway through a fuck, we can also decide that actually our bodies aren’t interested in an orgasm at all, even if that’s what we discussed with our partner earlier! Aaah, I’m having a lot of feelings about this – thank you for sparking all of thoughts.
This is so true. I read a lot of womans magazines and the questions of never having an orgasm and how boys should perform during sex, last long and make their girl cum always. Knowing that I will be a bad fuck I deliberetely avoided intimacy with multiple gf’s and they would dump me. I finally tried seriously to lose my virginity at 22 but I couldnt achieve erection. I fell into severe depression at it still lasts at 27. I returned back to my rural ghost village after graduating college at 24 and wallowed in self pity and alcohol while rejecting even those rare instances to meet girls. Thanks for the text this was sorely needed.