Greedy: I got a Godemiche Morpheus and deleted my dating profile

Image by me, sorry for poor quality

No one ever tells me to my face that I’m greedy, but I am. Right now I trip through life with only a vague idea of what I want, but a raging certainty that I definitely need more of it. More. More drinks, more nights out, more catch-ups with friends I’ve not seen since Covid. More joy, more lust, more playfulness. More sex. More of those evenings which start with a pint and end up with you all tumbling into someone’s flat so you can welcome the dawn together with burgeoning hangovers and the sparkle of brand new friendships. More threesomes that make me feel like it’s my birthday. And because this is a post about the Godemiche Morpheus, inevitably I’m greedy for far more wanking too.

The Morpheus is a new dildo from Godemiche, who also make one of my staple wanking favourites – the Ambit. This new dildo is a little like the Ambit but scaled up: thicker, longer, more shapely. It’s a silicone dildo with a beautifully pronounced curve that comes in four sizes and Godemiche’s trademark astonishing range of colour combinations. You pick which colours you want when you order, and I’d regret ordering the exact colours on the product page from their website but – hey! – black and purple is very much My Brand, and it’s too pretty to resist picking that mix.

Two dildos next to each other. Left the Godemichae Ambit - soft purple with white mixed in, about 6 inches long. On the right the Gosemiche Morpheus - larger, dark purple with black, more intensely curved
Ambit on left, Morpheus right

The Godemiche Morpheus is also the current record-holder for ‘fastest time from pickup to wank’ because I was so eager to use it when it arrived. Usually when I get a new sex toy, I get the email from my mail place that tells me I have a package, trip down there to pick it up, then have to wait until the moment’s right. With my ex this might have been hours or days but lately – as in the case with the Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux, it’s weeks – until I get to use it with someone I know well enough that they’ll let me experiment on their junk.

But the Morpheus? Ah, that’s a fucking dildo, my friends. So I don’t need anyone else to try it out with. I can scurry home, beating my personal best time from mail-place-to-front-door, then rip the box open as soon as I’m in and immediately slam it into my greedy cunt.

Because yes, that’s exactly what I did.


When Godemiche offered me this new dildo, there were four size options I could select from: thin/small, thick/small, thin/medium, thick/medium. And if you’re wondering which one I went for, go back and read the title. I’m greedy, I went for the biggest.

When I ripped open the plastic pouch it came sealed in, there was a 0.05 second moment where I wondered if I should take pictures before I got it covered in quim. And if you’re wondering whether I did then, again, I beg you: please read the title.

Life is full of joy at the moment. Joy and cock and fun and horn and stories I’ve not yet told you. And perhaps my eyes are bigger than my stomach, perhaps my life’s too small for this much joy. Fucking myself with the largest Morpheus feels much like managing my calendar: a stretch.

But I go for it anyway. I’m greedy.

I apply the Zumio to my clit, and spit on the Morpheus to slide it in better, conjuring images of one particular dude who is girthy in the same way this dildo is. I picture the things I will do to his cock when I get it to myself for 24 hours. Slide ever-so-slowly down on it in the manner of someone who knows this is a treat, gripping it tight with my cunt like I wanna wring all the spunk out. Then again, shortly afterwards, milking another load from him because I know that our time is short. And another. And another. I’m greedy as fuck so I need to make the most of it.

When Godemiche sent me this dildo, they also sent an accompanying array of adorable miniature dildos too: perfect to display on my mantelpiece, if I had one, or clip to my keyring if I’m brave (I am). So as I plunge the Morpheus in and let myself relax to accommodate this gorgeous black-and-purple cock, there’s a brief flash of guilt that I haven’t said ‘thanks’ to Godemiche yet. Not even a DM to say ‘package received, much appreciated!’. No – I just tore the box open, went ‘oh cute! Some mini dildos!’ then ripped the Morpheus from its plastic wrapping, spat on it, and fucked it.

It’s extremely fun to fuck it.

Image of a large Godemiche Morpheus sitting next to four tiny miniature dildos of varying shapes and colours
Morpheus with mini dildos – see if you can guess which Godemiche product each miniature represents

Horny for everything

I don’t take tubes much these days, and catching one on my way back from the mail place had me horny with the rhythm of the carriage along the track. Thinking hot thoughts about the guy who fucked me last Friday. The eager, exuberant way we both dived in, like we’d been banned from shagging then suddenly told ‘oh go on then…’ He told me he was free this week and I really want to see him, but every day is full and I’ve promised myself I’ll never cancel on a friend just because I’m horny. But I’m greedy, remember? So I consider shifting doctor’s appointments, and holding off that deadline, and letting the laundry and dishes pile up in my flat just to squeeze in another few hours of fun because maybe if I juggle everything I’ll get to see him again.

Greedy, see? Greedy. Like a horny bitch. Like a selfish prick. Like the start of every morality tale.

Off the train, now stamping along the pavements of central London with punk tunes blasting in my ears, never dropping my pace, just skilfully dodging pavement dawdlers because I’m enjoying this tune and this pace and I want more of it. More of this bouncy joy. More speed. Because there’s not enough time to fit everything into my life. I’m just so – you guessed it – greedy.

My thoughts then turn to another guy – one I’m seeing tomorrow who I haven’t seen in a while. Am I seeing him in the hope that he’ll fuck me? I’d so love to tell you that I’m a bigger, better person than that. But I’ve missed him and he’s fun and hot and he knows me and we fucked so good so… yes, the answer’s yes. Of course. But will he want to? I don’t know. It might be inappropriate to even wonder if he might. Or perhaps it’s the opposite – maybe he’d be offended if the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. Either way, I want to. For old time’s sake, and for new time’s sake, too. Because this person knows me well enough to pin me down with the confidence of someone who knows I’ll respond with ‘yes please… more.’

As I say, morality tale. I’m the girl who had access to the sweetshop and made herself sick from eating them all. Except I don’t feel sick, and I doubt I ever will. If the wind’s behind me and the mood is right, what’s to stop me from doing this forever? What’s the harm in doing this forever? What do I miss out on if I just keep hunting for more…?

The Godemiche Morpheus

No time to think about this now though, because right now I’m wanking. There’s never any harm in wanking, is there? That’s the beauty of it. You can take five minutes from your busy schedule to go wank with a brand new dildo, and still have time to do the washing and write that blog post and text the guy you’re seeing tomorrow. You can wank without drinking, wank without having to travel across town or spend money or worry that you’ll say the wrong thing to someone who matters.

You can come, as I did, hard and easily around something inanimate and beautiful and yours. You don’t need to worry that it’s greedy to indulge in the shags that you have on your own. Wanking is healthy! Wanking is good. It’s something to enjoy without guilt.

The week I receive it, I wank with the Morpheus every day. It’s now in rotation with the Ambit on my bedside table – there for when I’m horny and I want just that little bit more.

And at the end of this busy week I go out with my best friend. We drink and dance and drink some more, and end up back at someone’s flat where we stay till the next morning. Laughing, chatting, flirting, and pretending we can’t see the sunrise creeping in through the gaps in the curtains. When I get home, I think about texting one of the men I met – a friendly, horny guy who snogged me in a corridor and promised more later.

How many people could I fuck in a week before my heart gave out? How many times could I do this before my shattered body gave up? How much more could the world offer? How much more do I actually want?

How true is this ‘greedy’ rant, really?

Because I play up this horny fuckbag character when it gets me retweets, without telling you half the other stuff that happens alongside it. I focus on the sex because intimacy feels too private. I tell you I’m greedy for dick because that’s what you want to hear. But it’s dehumanising and weird to talk about dick like it isn’t attached to people. And the truth is what I’m greedy for is the people. The ones that I really like.

‘More’ of what?

Godemiche Morpheus - black and purple curved dildo - lying on a bed
Image by me

I don’t fuck the hot new stranger. Instead I hug him goodbye, go home, and have another wank with my brand new dildo. It’s two-tone black and purple, 3.9 inches in circumference and 7.3 inches long. The Godemiche Morpheus retails for between £44.99 and £55.99 depending on which size you go for. If you buy it you’re supporting my site and the lovely people at Godemiche, who sponsor me. It’s beautifully smooth and deliciously curved and I’m spent. Broken. Calm. Sated.

When I’m done with wanking, I stand in front of a mirror practising how to say ‘no thank you’ with a smile.

No thank you, I’m too busy. No thank you, my dance card is full. No thank you, I am full.

Because wanking is not a zero-sum game, but sex and dating is. Any new person I meet takes time from somebody else. So I gather the courage to text this stranger ‘sorry, I’m too busy.’ Then I delete my dating profile, and go back for one more round with the Morpheus.

My dance card is full, and so am I. Although I write playfully here about novelty, and the fact that men are abundant and life is good and there are so many opportunities to grasp… the act of writing this down makes me realise I’m not horny for ‘new.’ I am not the kind of slut who chases novelty, I’m the kind of slut who wants more of what I already know and love.

The Morpheus works for me because it’s like the Ambit, only more. And the dates I want to go on aren’t with new men I’ve just met, but ones I know already, who I’ll learn to shag better with practice. The ones who know me too – maybe not deeply, but enough to make jokes and be playful. To text me fantasies and ask if I’m up for fulfilling them. Teach me how to please them. Reminisce with me about fun times in our shared past. Not just men I’m dating either: friends I haven’t seen in ages, who I wish I could see more often. I don’t want more people to take up my time, I want more time with the people I already know.

When I lament how full my calendar is, it’s not because I want to cram in more first dates, it’s because I want to say ‘yes’ to second ones. And third dates, tenth dates, fiftieth dates: that’s what I’m truly greedy for.

Weirdly, I didn’t understand this until I started writing about a sex toy.

I’ve done that thing again, haven’t I? Where I try to write up a toy but end up doing weird public therapy instead. At some point my sponsors will get annoyed with me. But people seem to like these posts far more than they like the ones where I just tell you what this dildo is like. And besides, fuck it: I’m in the process of figuring out how to do this job while also rebuilding my life, and this job is my life, so inevitably they bleed together until my scattered thoughts kick out sex toy reviews that look more like panic than product placement.

But I’ll forgive myself for this, as I’m forgiving myself a lot right now – I’ll tell you why on Sunday. In the meantime, I’ll just tell you that the Godemiche Morpheus is a fucking great dildo. Smooth and curved and beautiful – fun to clench your cunt round, loads of pressure on the g-spot so it’s satisfying when you come. Like the Ambit, but more.

And I’ve talked far too much about more, so let’s end on a little bit less: when you buy yourself a Morpheus, use the code GotnShop for 10% off.

This post is sponsored by Godemiche, although (perhaps obviously) they don’t get any say in what I actually write, which is why I give myself the freedom to write these horny, messy ones. As I say, I recommend the Godemiche Morpheus and also the Ambit, but if you browse round their site you’ll find lots of other cool stuff too – the unique grind rings, the easy-clean textured OffBeat masturbation sleeves, and an array of beautiful butt plugs too. The discount code works across all their toys, and if you buy directly through them you’re supporting my work. 


  • EuphemiseThis says:

    Best review ever! And I’m a greedy little bitch too so I think we all know which size I’ll be buying ;)

  • James says:

    I love your reviews.
    They come with great realisations. I’d love a new toy to have the same impact for me.
    “Oops, life changing experience again.”

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha well, it’s partly because of the job tbh – I have to frequently introspect about loads of things (i.e. overthink everything) and thus a dildo can never just be a dildo, it must always be the next step on a relentless path to overshare =)

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    So… sounds like the dating was a success, then!
    And the Morpheus clearly was… given the size of that thing, you must be feeling full indeed. :)

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha well actually the *online* dating was a total bore – OKC is so shit now that actually finding ppl I get on with is almost impossible. It’s just endless admin and me worrying I’m gonna disappoint people by not getting back to them. All the people I have met lately are either old flames or dudes I’ve met through the blog. Which has been tricky in some ways (I’ve dated a few people who are a bit starstruck about GOTN and who I find it hard to relax/be playful with) but which is really lovely when it works, because these guys already have a reasonable idea of what a messy slag I am.

  • Mosscat says:

    Some call it ‘greed’, some call it ‘lust for life’…. grab it with both hands (and your cunt) and live it.

  • slave sindee says:

    great review

  • Stradi says:

    I saw the packaging, how it was ripped open. I didn’t have to read anything. The picture told the story. Desperado! (giggle)
    BTW. Only recently didcovered your work…… you are really good.
    I think it was Meatloaf that said “good girls go to heaven but bad girls go everywhere.” but I’m sure you have heard all that flannel before.
    One day you will get some slow long lasting attention that makes you faint with pleasure, and not need any pain.

  • Stradi says:

    I did not have to look at the text, the image told the story.
    Just discovered your work. Excellent.

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