Guest blog: What queer sex means to me

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

I’m delighted, as ever, to welcome back the fabulous @EuphemiseThis to the blog. Most of you will know her for the astonishingly hot audio porn that she’s been recording recently, telling stories about some of the sexy adventures she’s had. Today, she’s here with some analysis, specifically on queer sex, and what it means to her. Our society is slowly becoming more inclusive when it comes to sex, but too often sex is seen as something that is only ‘real’ if it involves a penis going into a vagina. EuphemiseThis is here to explain that the truth is so much more varied and fun…

What queer sex means to me

If you’re over a certain age, chances are high that the sex education you had at school was extremely limited or perhaps even non-existent. There may have been a focus on reproduction rather than consent and pleasure, mention of STIs but not orgasms, and genders (of which your school probably thought there were only two) most likely got separated so each could receive a different message. As a 47-year-old bi cis woman, It’s no wonder that I didn’t consider a lot of my early sexual experiences as “real sex” until I managed to begin to fill in some of those knowledge gaps.

As a teenager in the late 1980s and early 90s, being female had some (admittedly small) benefits when it came to sex ed. The biggest of those was that it was socially acceptable to read magazines like Cosmo and More! – the latter’s Position of the Fortnight may not have been groundbreaking, but it did start to show us that there was a lot more to sex than we’d been told. Everything changed, however, when my friends and I got our hands on a copy of Madonna’s 1992 book, Sex.

The images were blatant, in-your-face and shocking to many, but they opened my teenage eyes to a whole world of queer sexuality that I hadn’t realised existed. And even if I knew it existed, some of the photos left me relieved that I wasn’t the only person in the world who wanted to do those things! Writing about the book for Rolling Stone 25 years later, Barry Walters summed it up with, “Madonna took what was marginalized at the worst of the AIDS epidemic, placed it in an emancipated context, and shoved it into the mainstream for all to see and hear.”

Exploring queer sex

It was a turning point for me and, I’m sure, many others. Since then, I have discovered the joys of queer sex for myself, and it’s even better than I could have possibly imagined. I’m bi and fuck people of all genders but, crucially, you don’t even need to be queer yourself to have queer sex as “to queer something […] is to take a look at its foundations and question them.” Just take what you’re trying to achieve through PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex and look at it differently; how do you get to a wonderful orgasmic goal without going down the same tired old route?

Queer sex is fingers and tongues and toys and lube. It’s open conversations with your partner and not being afraid to ask for what you want. It’s grinding, rubbing, stroking, licking and thrusting with none of it labeled ‘foreplay’ because it’s all the main event. Your tongue is just as important as your fist. Queer sex can often be asynchronous and so is even more about fulfilling everyone’s desires, because I’m not thinking about my own orgasm while I’m trying to make you cum. It’s wet, sticky, unashamedly messy, and big-fucking-grins-all-round sex.

I don’t know if school sex ed has changed much (probably not enough!), but teenagers these days certainly seem to be working things out a hell of a lot quicker than I did. Everything’s so fluid and even labels themselves change over time, plus the internet opens up a world of sexuality that I didn’t have access to in the early 90s – many teens won’t get their ‘Madonna moment’ because they just don’t need it.

Despite the fact that many people in power disapprove of queerness so vehemently that they continue to pass legislation which prevents anyone who isn’t cis het from being truly themselves in all aspects of life, many young queer folk are still managing to thrive. Whatever they may or may not be allowed to do in public, in private many are busy doing all kinds of things that are fun with people they care about… which may, or may not, include PIV. Teen Vogue has quite rightly pointed out that queer sex means redefining and self-defining sex, and I think we should all be learning a lesson from this.

Maybe you have a penis and your partner has a vagina, but have you considered that beyond PIV there’s a whole world of non-normative sex acts that may be even better at getting you both off? Perhaps being on the receiving end of an extended oral session, including rimming, would send you to places you’ve never dreamed of? And you could ‘return the favour’ by learning how to expertly use your partner’s favourite sex toy on them. Why not start by exploring what feels good in solo play and then talking with your partner about it? Or by asking your partner what they really like and doing lots of that until they cum, and cum, and cum.

I can highly recommend the queer urge to make your own rules… or to ditch the idea of rules completely!

1 Comment

  • slave sindee says:

    nicely written. i am a bi male and think that most males would enjoy being bi and the pleasure one can both give and receive. But unfortunately, too many men are homophobic and afraid if the stigma of being with another male. it so common for men to think threesome FMF but not MFM. Thankfully, many years ago when i was younger early 20’s i was high with a couple and we explored each other like teenagers in lust. i had many encounters with them.
    Thanks for a great blog

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