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On getting dumped

This might sound callous, but I don’t care if you break up with me by text message. Same goes for email. Sod it – text the ‘letters’ section of the Metro for all I care. If you’re going to dump me, just dump me.

Yes, I’ll be sad. But I’ll be no more sad than if you – quite literally – made a meal of it. Took me out for dinner, had a long discussion prompted by occasional irritating sighs, ending with The Chat: ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t fancy you any more/we have nothing in common/I’ve met someone infinitely more likeable.’

It hasn’t been emotional

People say that the reason they wouldn’t break up via text is because it’s cold-hearted. But the problem is that few of the relationships I get into are emotional enough to require a drawn-out conclusion. Most of the ‘break-ups’ I have been involved in recently have happened either because

  • he’s found a girlfriend who’d rather he didn’t fuck anyone else
  • he lives outside Zone 3 and so I am far too lazy to see him regularly

And so in this context, a break-up text will do just as well as a long conversation. If he’s a boy I’m shagging he’s a boy worth shagging, so naturally I’ll be sad that I can’t fuck him any more. But I’m not going to cry my face off over a tub of Häagen Dazs – we were probably never that close.

More importantly, it takes me just five minutes to read an email, less than one minute to read a text, but it takes an entire evening to have the break up chat. A whole evening. Think of all the things I could do in an evening! While I’m listening to you tortuously apologise for ending something that was inevitably going to end anyway I could instead be dying my hair, writing another blog, livetweeting The Apprentice or – crucially – finding someone else to fuck.

There is nothing more valuable to me than time. And giving me more of it, even if it means swallowing your natural desire to project emotion onto sex, is a wonderful thing to do.

Just tell me

But the main reason I think text break-ups are fine is because very occasionally, because of the way I meet and interact with guys, I end up in a weird limbo where I’m not entirely sure if someone is still with me. In the last year I have had three guys who have broken up with me by just ceasing all communication.

Two guys stopped fucking me after a few lovely evenings which I’m reasonably sure they enjoyed. One guy stopped fucking me shortly before we were due to go away together for a weekend.

This isn’t a rant about getting dumped. I’ve been in many ‘things’ that have ended, so I don’t get particularly upset about the endings themselves.

But what I am emotional about is not knowing. Because I like to plan. I like to know. Just as I like to know how you like your blow jobs and whether you’re into spanking, I also like to know exactly where you stand on the issue of whether you are or aren’t willing to put your dick into me.

It’s not you, it’s me

And it honestly is. I think I’m alone in this, because I’ve told other people about my preference for rapid-fire, heartless relationship comms and had them weeping over my cracked and battered soul. But a text or email at least has an immediacy and honesty that I wholeheartedly respect.

You might wait for weeks for the right moment to have ‘that’ conversation and (in the case of some of my past boys) end up never having it at all. So if your mind’s truly made up, and you really really mean it, what better way to tell me than to bleep it to my phone?

Not only will you have furnished me with useful information, you’ve also saved me time. I’ll be able to read it, digest it, mourn and move on in less time than we’d have spent on pre-dinner drinks.


  • pir says:

    You’re not completely alone in this. I prefer to know what the state of a relationship/involvement/whatever is.

    My most recent breakup was because a lover decided she was going to be monogamous with a guy. She was worried I’d stop talking to her so didn’t tell me for a while. I’d always rather know and why would I stop talking to her for that?

    • Poggs says:

      +1 for knowing where you stand.

      “How many problems have you caused yourself by saying ‘yes’ too soon, or ‘no’ too late?”

  • SBM says:

    A guy and I recently stopped seeing each other, I was more annoyed that he drove all that way to see me just for this conversation – he totally didn’t understand why I would have preferred a text. So glad I’m not alone in this, I don’t need to see the pain in your face, hear how awesome I am or how you still adore me as a friend – I would rather use my time productively and get on with things that were deemed “not as important as getting my fill of cock”, instead of that unnecessary awkwardness.

  • Andrew says:

    I always thought it odd that it was considered polite to lead someone on to think they were getting a date when you really planned to dump them.

  • The best and most difficult thing to do is to communicate honestly and quickly. There is no such thing as breaking up with someone by never speaking to them again: that is called fucking someone over.

  • J says:

    I completely agree.

    When you are not in emotionally attached, “just-for-sex-n-fun” relationships, adding emotion and drama is just not needed.

    I spend time with you because I want to have sex with you, and enjoy a few giggles. Yes, we have other connections [sometimes], but I’m not hanging off every word that comes out of your mouth. I’m not reliant upon you or your existence in my life.

    If you don’t want to fuck me anymore, just say it. I won’t be offended. There are plenty of others who would like to fill your spot in my diary.

  • N. Likes says:

    Totally agree. I think what people mean when they object to being dumped by text is, “But you deprived me of the chance to make you feel bad and me feel worse by either begging and pleading or recriminating or yelling.”

    When it’s over, it’s over.

  • OffThisIsland says:

    Definitely agree. The cutting off communication instead of biting the bullet thing is *so* fucking rude it’s incomprehensible to me. Not into it? Tell me, I’ll direct my attentions elsewhere. Don’t leave me sitting around wondering whether you’re busy, you’ve lost interest, or you’ve been hit by a bus.

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