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On new year’s resolutions

The first time I saw this picture I thought I had fat thighs. Then I realised that was mental, and no one gives a flying shit anyway. New Year is, apparently, a time for announcing to the world exactly what’s wrong with you.

You make resolutions so you can tell people “This year I’ll lose two stone/give up smoking/stop crywanking every Saturday night while watching films starring Jennifer Aniston.”

I wouldn’t mind that much, but there doesn’t seem to be anything to balance this out. We all know that there are some things that are wrong with us. Most of us are a bit fat, most of us have habits that are either bad for our health or irritating to our loved ones.

But we also all have certain qualities that are admirable, beautiful, or just plain cool.

Self-hatred ain’t sexy

During the first week of January, resolutions sweep through people I know like a wildfire of self-doubt. Friends who I have a very high opinion of will leap out of the woodwork and declare ‘hey, here’s my flaw – you might not have spotted it yet but it’s there.’

For the purposes of fuelling my rant, I’m going to use losing weight as an example.

Disclaimer: if you’re resolving to lose weight because your current weight causes you mobility/health problems, then not only do I 100% support you, but if you drop me an email I will give you some exciting tips on how to do it. OK, not necessarily exciting, they basically all consist of me saying ‘eat salad, then fuck vigorously’.

Most people are a bit fat, and I’ve spoken before about how guys who are a bit fat are pretty sexy. But above and beyond the aesthetic value of some hot jiggling, there’s something that comes even higher in the list of ‘things that are hot’ – not giving a shit about your weight.

Nothing is less sexy than someone moaning about their love handles. No one wants to listen to a partner telling them exactly how much weight they’ve put on, which bits of their body are the fattest, or exactly how many calories they’re limiting themselves to each day.

Feel free to make self-deprecating jokes about it, but as soon as you ‘resolve’ to ‘fix’ it, it becomes an issue. Something that your partners and friends feel they must notice, tiptoe-around, and pander to. Worst of all, it could even make them feel the need to ‘support’ you in your efforts by cooking you healthy food, or joining you in a run around the block.

A better new year’s resolution

Everyone’s got flaws – you might be a bit fat, need to ditch smoking, be an irritating cunt when drunk or, in my case, all of the above. But there are inevitably some things about you that are bloody great. You might be hilarious, generous in getting rounds in, in possession of a spectacular arse, or able to deep-throat people with aplomb.

So make new year’s resolutions if you like, but as a gesture towards the well-rounded and at-least-partially-brilliant person you inevitably are, why not pick one or two things that you definitely don’t want to change? Choose two things that are ace about you, and resolve, with all the willpower that your awesome mind can muster, to keep them exactly as they are.


  • Daisy says:

    I’m fat. It’s not a secret! But here IS my secret…the day that I stopped CARING that I was fat, changed my life. The day I stopped battling with my body was like a light bulb moment for me. And you know what, there are men who like me in spite of the extra weight and then there are those who like me because of it.

    Being fat doesn’t stop me having amazing sex. Worrying and stressing about being fat DID stop me having amazing sex.

    Sometimes the only thing you need to change is your attitude.

    • MJ says:

      Exactly! I’m also fat, i used to be slim and strove to be even slimmer. Now that I don’t give a shit I get more compliments, have more fun and people find my confidence sexy.
      Why oh why do so many people not get this?!

  • MJ says:

    General response to this blog: Yes.

    I hate new years resolutions, predominantly because people make the same ones every damn year and never actually change that thing about themselves. If you want to change you’ll do it regardless of the time of year or of anything else going on in your life. Just accept that you don’t want to change that thing and enjoy being you for fuck’s sake. People will like you a whole lot more if you stop whining, if you tell everyone often enough that you’re ugly/boring/thick, they’re going to start believing you.

  • Jim says:

    My only resolution was to lick the girlfriend as often as possibly. Working out well so far.

  • Jim says:

    Maybe I should resolve to type more better too.

  • LL says:

    Not all NYRs are negative things, though. I make several every year, and they’re mostly positive things, like “Stop being such a tightwad & spend more money on myself” or “Save up £X” etc. One year it was to have more sex.

    It depresses me that people seem to think resolutions are only negative/hard things!

  • boyvulgar says:

    Lovely. I think the principle behind New Year’s resolutions, as you suggest in your first few paras, is that you think it’s going to be some kind of awesome shared experience of self improvement. Unfortunately, the literature shows that behaviour change efforts of any kind have a high failure rate. So, depressingly enough, they become a shared experience of failure, along with the occasional shared experience of envy directed at the one person who stuck with it or chose a manageable resolution.

    And to concentrate on the weight loss issue again: foccussing on your positive traits is an AWESOME piece of advice. Because it makes you more fun to be around, makes you have more fun, and makes you better in general: and then I guarantee that you’ll find it easier to change your behaviour because everything’s so bloody brilliant. (Or you won’t actually care any more, of course.) Sounds cheesy, but overcoming negative thinking is the route of the best behaviour change efforts.

    • girlonthenet says:

      The envy thing didn’t really occur to me, but I can see why some people would be spitting bile at their friends who have managed to stick to their resolutions. And yes, if you feel brilliant you are generally more likely to have a good time – also possibly lose weight. I’m more likely to opt for salad if I’m feeling a bit thin, because sometimes it’s fun to behave like a thin person.

  • TheComedian says:

    This is largely a sweary version of a classic self-help mantra, which is not to say it is trite.
    Au contraire, this is the sort of advice that any good therapist or councillor would give a person trying to make changes in their life for the better.
    I speak from experience.
    You however have managed to replace the often cringey language of pop psychology or new-age personal growth with down to earth pragmatism and references deep-throating, with which I can certainly get on board.

    • girlonthenet says:

      Good point. I didn’t say it wasn’t obvious – I am frequently obvious. As soon as I’m controversial people start disagreeing with me and making me question my strongly-held opinions, which is annoying =p

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