On uncontrollable desire: lust that goes beyond ‘I fancy you’

Image by the incredible Stuart F Taylor

When I was young I had a teacher who gave me butterflies in my stomach. Scratch that – not butterflies, and this wasn’t a teenage crush. Neither of these things comes close to describing the way this teacher made me feel. Sick and excited and aching with desire. I didn’t fancy him, I wasn’t ‘keen’ on him: I lusted him. Hot and angry and sweating and desperate.

I never imagined him kissing me, or telling me I was beautiful – I’d think about him grabbing me, putting his hand on the back of my neck and squeezing me up against him. Lifting my skirt roughly and giving a sarcastic smile as he pushed his coarse hands up against my arse.

Nothing about this was delicate, or twee, or romantic. It was fetid and disgusting and urgent, like the last desperate wank of the night that you have because you need to sleep and can’t make your brain stop twitching.

What desire means to me

So when I tell you that I fancy a guy, or some guys, please understand that this is not a casual thing. It is not a calm, considered action that I have selected when I have taken into account everything I know about them. It’s not done because I’m calculating, or cruel, or because this particular guy isn’t enough for me.

Fancying guys is something my body does – something it spits out at me regardless of whether it’s the right moment. I don’t window-shop when I’m single, weigh up any pros and cons, then live happily-ever-after with the best. I twitch and lust and ache – oh Christ I ache – for new men, old men, interesting men, on an almost daily basis.

Monogamy and desire

It’s normal to fancy other people when you’re going out with someone. No one needs to be told that – it’s healthy and normal and natural and even if it wasn’t we’d have to get used to it because it happens anyway. But God – does it have to hurt so much?

Does it hurt this much for everyone? The dull wrench inside you when you stand next to someone you want but can’t have? The need to have them grab you, fuck you, take a handful of the hair on the back of your neck and push your face into their crotch? Because it does for me. It hits me like a chemical craving – a trembling, physical pain. Every. Single. Time.

I try not to worry about it. I tell myself that I am a stupid stupid horny fuckwit and it’ll pass in time. But then I go for a drink with a particularly devastating ex, or meet a new person at a party who has exactly the same sarcastic smile as my old teacher, or a particularly sexy accent, and I bite my lip and sit on my hands so I don’t try to reach out and touch them. As I say, I’m sure this interest is normal. But I’m never sure whether, for me, it’s genuinely hypothetical.

Am I OK with just looking and imagining? I want to do more. I want to play with them, feel them shove rough hands up my skirt or pour filthy words into my ear. I want to shout “HOLY FUCK YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL” and sneak them into a back room for a dirty up-against-the-wall fuck. I want to grip the base of their dick and feel them straining and pulsing in my closed fist.

I want to be bad.

There’s nothing wrong with this, as long as I’m good. As long as I remember that badness is wrong and I’m not wrong and oh God I want new hands all over me and angry bitemarks on my neck and a beating that takes me just to the point of screaming. Being good but tempted is a normal thing, it just doesn’t feel like a happy thing right now.


  • Nate says:

    YES. I am married and get this urge constantly. I love my wife, but love and lust are separate, and I’m greedy. Luckily I’m an ugly sod so wouldn’t be on anyone’s radar anyway.

    Though I did have an affair a couple of years ago. The newness was the horniest thing. A new wet, tight cunt. A new hot mouth greedily sucking my cock, a new arse to hit and fuck.

    Er, need to go now. Ahem.

  • me says:

    I relate to a lot you write but this is completely me. You often stop me from thinking I’m nuts and ‘I’m not the only one’ which I think a lot of people can relate to but this is completely me. I can’t help that I just want to know what his hands feel like and it’s not that I love my man any less it’s just that I want him for a couple of hours and the less I can have it the more I want it. And I really really want it. *writes one hundred lines ‘I must be good’*

  • Richard P says:

    I kinda get this, I was out recently for my birthday (here’s to 22) and by pure chance we bumped I to my friends work colleagues. I got chatting to one of them (a woman ten years my senior) and frankly I wanted her. It’s not something that happens often, for the most part I try to keep my baser urges in check but the combination of tiredness and alcohol made my control slip. A couple of times on the dance floor she pressed up against me and I felt my brain to a goddamn backflip.
    While we were there I wanted her badly, some part of my brain was screaming at me to draw her close, caress her skin, press her body to my own. But I didn’t I restrained myself, I’m not entirely sure why.
    In the end she got extremely drunk and I ended up helping her friends load her into a car before walking home alone. Probably for the best.

  • C says:

    Oh Christ, this is me almost every day of my life. I see men I want and need, but can’t have

    That uncomfortable, lustful feeling that creeps through me as I fantasise about the boy standing on the bus to university, longing for him to push his crotch into my face right there and then. Or the inability to focus properly on a seminar, when my lecturer is discussing sexual perversions and all my brain wants to think about is being fucked on the desk in his office. And even the girl two tables away in the library who gives me those shivers of guilty need every time she looks up at me.

    In short, it’s a miracle I pass any of my assignments at university.

  • Alice says:

    Oh God! That gripping, lustful, dirty need. It hits you, it hurts and it’s damn near addictive; it’s intoxicating.

  • Fiddy says:

    *looks at wife*

    Yeah, I’ve seen that lust in action plenty of times before.

  • OneMan says:

    I also fancy women on everyday basis, but not so desperately. I never felt so aching need for a shag of a stranger. Thank God my lust is not as strong as yours.

  • nerdy_man says:

    Oh yes this is me too. And you know what, I’m quite a bit older than you, gotn, and that feeling hasn’t gone away yet. For example, I have to consciously control where my hands go when I talk to my neighbour whose body I desperately want. The problem is that I just know this feeling – this need – won’t ever disappear if it’s lasted this long, but I do those opportunities will diminish – who wants the old guy?

  • Henry Davidson says:

    GOTN, spot on as usual. As I walk down the street, I could fancy about a third of all the girls, and quite a lot of them I lust after. I have just come back from an overseas assignment where one of the interpreters was just so desirable and fuckable … but the world is such that we don’t, generally, express our desire until it is clear that it is OK to do so – and those unsaid signals that pass to and fro are the ones that, sometimes, lead to us being able to do what we both want to do. Consent is reaised in an unspoken way before it is overtly expressed.

    I realise that I actually want to do pretty much the same to all those sexy women: kiss and stroke their boobs, fuck them hard from behind – but most of all, to bury my nose and tongue between their legs. Every cunt is different but all cunts smell and taste just wonderful.

  • Slut says:

    I want it all the time. I’m married, with kids, and live my husband, but I look at someone and wonder what his tongue would feel like on my clit, or how his cock would feel in my hand. Or what it would be like to squeeze her tits, and to shove my hand between her legs and feel her wetness. I wonder if sometimes, if they make eye contact, if they can tell I am thinking about fucking them, just using their bodies for a quick release.

  • Marcus says:

    Ughn! How absolutely bang on you are with this GOTN!

    I am in a very happy LTR with a good sex life, but sometimes, sometimes…

    There’s a girl I work with and I think it is actually reciprocated. So hot, so sexy that I just can’t help imagining running my mouth over her nipples, tasting her wet cunt, making her cum with my hand, mouth, cock….she is not someone who is better than my GF or a potential replacement for her….she just turns me on massively. And you’re right, sometimes it hurts, in a punchy way.

  • Elphaba says:

    Honestly? Not really. I rarely notice other men and if I do its probably because something about them reminds me of my partner. I AM quite a lustful person in general, so I suppose I’m in what could be called the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship.

    Do I long for a return to the gut – wrenching, lustful ruminations about other men (and women) which used to occupy a huge amount of my brainspace a couple of years ago? Probably not. I remember them being quite…distancing, and dammit, right now I just haven’t got the time!

  • Ellen says:

    Yep, this, exactly as you describe. I find it absolutely all consuming for a few days, weeks, months and then it goes again just as quickly as it came. Or it moves onto someone new. It doesn’t have anything to do with loving or wanting my husband any less, in fact sometimes it can have the opposite effect, but it’s just pure gut wrenching lust.

    You’re definitely not on your own with this one.

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