Oh shit! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day!

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

Sorry to break it to you, gang, but it’s nearly Valentine’s Day. To those of you smug wankers with ideas and gifts and confidence that your love will enjoy what you’ve already planned, I say ‘piss off.’ This post is for people who only just realised that it’s nearly Valentine’s Day and feeling worried because they might be expected to do/buy something but have absolutely no ideas at all.

It can’t really be nearly Valentine’s Day, can it? It’s only just been Christmas! Time is so fucked up at the moment: New Year seems like only a heartbeat away and yet weirdly also aeons in the distant past. How can it be Valentine’s Day already? Argh.

Luckily, Hot Octopuss ALWAYS comes through with some sort of celebration-themed discount, and this year is no exception – you can get up to 20% off their incredible range of sex toys if you buy soon. 

If you aren’t a sex blogger, you might get away with having ambivalent feelings towards Valentine’s Day – happy to do something for your partner/lover/support-bubble-fuck if they fancy it, but unbothered if they forget too. For me, though, this day means I usually have to Do Something. Write a post about love, or sex ideas, or my ideal relationship, or product recommendations, or something. This blog is often about love, so I can’t let this day go unmarked.

Eva Amour also didn’t want this day to go unmarked, so they’ve handpicked a bunch of beautiful things to take the sting out of Valentine’s shopping. Check out their top picks of sex toys and lingerie, and use the code GOTN10 for 10% off. 

The way I actually feel about Valentine’s Day is summed up in the title of this post. This year more than previous ones, I am concerned that on top of writing something engaging and witty here on the blog, I might also be expected to – shudder – do something. Let it be known that I really don’t want to. I don’t want anyone else to do anything either. I am, this year, a Valentine’s Grinch. Except I’m happy for the rest of you to do stuff because if you buy gifts for lovers then you help to support my blog. Click the links, motherfuckers, and support the sponsors who have helped me drag my arse through the last twelve painful months.

If I were going to ask for a present, and I am definitely not, I would want something like this vibrating butt plug because it turns out I no longer have ANY vibrating butt plugs, and that’s a crime. Also it’s called the ‘Assgressor’ which is badass, and is specifically listed as a ‘butt plug for men’ and I like to smash these norms where I stumble across them.

The pressure of having to find a gift/plan a romantic evening/do something other than just bang someone senseless scares the shit out of me. In past years I have marked the day of love with everything from penises drawn on the back of fag packets to limericks about someone’s dick. The pressure: it’s too much. It makes my head go funny.

Other things which make my head go funny include fucking with the electropads attached to an ElectraStim flick pack. I’m very keen to try this with my support bubble buddy at some point, and it’s an involved enough activity that it makes for a perfect evening of fucking the lockdown blues away.

If I were to do something for Valentine’s Day, and I stress again that I’d really rather not, I have a very strong preference for that ‘thing’ to be something I’d want to do any other day of the year. Like getting tied up and spanked. Or anal. But with ‘anal’, you have to really want it. You can’t just be like ‘oh, do you fancy some anal?’ – you have to go ‘goddammit, I really need to fuck you in the ass tomorrow. Bring lube, bitch.’ Otherwise it’s no fun.

Shop lubes at the fabulous, ethical, friendly-as-fuck Pleasure Garden – I recommend Liquid Silk because it comes in a handy pump bottle and feels fucking great. Code GOTN10 for 10% off.

Even if you know your partner really well, and you generally enjoy romance, you might still get that ‘oh shit! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day’ feeling, purely by virtue of the fact that we’re in fucking lockdown, so standard romantic fun like going to see a West End show or taking them up the OXO Tower is banned by law. The only things you’re allowed to do are a) walks and b) fucking the living daylights out of each other, within the confines of whatever four walls you’ve been staring at for the last million years.

If you’re running out of ideas on how to fuck the living daylights out of each other, why not pick up a Mystery Box from Godemiche? Kickass silicone toys, but they’ll surprise you with which ones. And what better way to break up the monotony of lockdown? Code GotnShop for 10% off. 

Alternatively, perhaps you’re either single or so far away from people you might want to fuck that any Valentine’s shagging is impossible. In which case, why not embrace some solo hedonism and pick up something you’ve always wanted to try? It’s the gift that will keep on giving, as you masturbate yourself into a lockdown frenzy and dream of all the spunk you’ll swallow in the After Times.

I – a goth at heart – would truly love to masturbate myself into a frenzy with this – the gothest dildo I’ve seen in a long time – from StuffGoodies. If that doesn’t take your fancy, though, check out their Valentine’s Day sale – 25% off everything. 

Who knows what next year’s Valentine’s Day will bring. Maybe by then we’ll all be allowed out to play. Maybe our respective governments will have cocked up vaccine rollout so badly that we’re all still trapped in this Groundhog Day loop of ‘lockdown-and-release’. Maybe I’ll finally have managed to get that gang bang. Maybe I’ll have quit this job and joined a nunnery. It’s all up for grabs.

When we do eventually get out of lockdown, I’m going to display one of these pretty ‘Spank Me’ paddles from Black Heart Creatives in a prominent position in my living room, so that gentlemen callers know what’s expected of them. 

In the meantime, to those of you who are struggling with what to buy for Valentine’s Day, know that I feel you and I’m with you.

And fuck it, if you don’t know what to buy for someone and that someone likes wanking, you could definitely do worse than getting a Doxy 3R plus whichever attachment you think they’d like best. 

I have accidentally found myself in a position of possibly having to do something but not being quite sure whether I’m meant to, and instead of facing my fears and addressing it like an adult, I am just scrolling through pretty websites with gothy dildos and dreaming of a time when ‘Valentine’s Day’ can be marked with the one thing I really want: a nice cold pint in a pub that is free from the plague.

Shit! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day! Impulse buy some things from my lovely sponsors, join me in blocking out the present and daydreaming of a brighter future.


  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    Being a Valentine’s Grinch is surely entirely acceptable, this year of all years!
    My own plans for next weekend could be summarised as ‘dress up a bit, have a nice meal, have a nice wank’. And I imagine that even if I was living with a partner, that wouldn’t be hugely different.
    That goth dildo is awesome, though! :D

  • Quinn Rhodes says:

    I know I must have said this before, but I love this image so fucking much. I also love the idea of you prominently displaying a ‘Spank Me’ paddle in your living room – it’s important to be clear about your expectations! I’m glad, especially this year, that I can play into the ‘my birthday is Valentine’s day so I can talk about *self* love’ thing when it comes to blog content, rather than drowning in the realisation that I haven’t touched another human being since September.

  • >> Sorry to break it to you, gang, but it’s nearly Valentine’s Day

    Sorry, but you’re wrong.
    5:17pm on Feb. 13th is nearly Valentine’s Day. Before that, it’s ages away and I have plenty of time. 5:18pm is the “Oh shit, I have almost no reason to be leaving the house beyond the obvious I’ve-completely-forgotten-bloody-Valentine’s-Day-is-tomorrow.

  • Purple Rain says:

    MEO suggests that you can use the Assgressor plug at the gym. Blimey, if I tried that, I would end up distracted and dropping dumbbells all over the place. Health and safety nightmare :)

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